Kristin Armstrong recently wrote for Glamour magazine about what she wishes she had known about marriage. Here are some exerpts. You can follow the link in the title below to read the full article.
Sphere: Related Content“What I wish I had known about marriage”
The greatest conspiracy in modern history is not Watergate or the shooting of JFK; it’s something far more ingrained and insidious in the way it distorts the truth. The conspiracy is marriage. . . .
Perhaps we are all guilty of holding on too tightly to our own Cinderella stories, thinking that the glass slipper of the perfect marriage will conform to us uniquely. . . .
Here is the truth as I see it: Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity. If you aren’t careful, it can tempt you to become a “yes woman” for the sake of salvaging your romantic dream. It can lure you into a pattern of pleasing that will turn you into someone you’ll hardly recognize and probably won’t like. . . .
The incredible disappearing woman
Ten years ago . . . . I had bought my first house . . . . I had adopted a dog named Jake . . . . drove a cute little green Miata that I paid for in full. I was career-minded and single-minded. I was also headstrong and naive; I treasured my self-sufficiency so much that I scoffed at women who gave up their jobs, stayed home to take care of children or relied on men for anything.
Then I fell in love. I met Lance Armstrong. . . . Soon I was joyfully sporting an engagement ring with a hefty rock the size of my dilated pupil in a darkroom. I was so enamored with my new stature as part of a couple that I paid more attention to my left hand than to readying my heart for the journey ahead. I quit my job, rented out my house, gave my dog to an old boyfriend, sold my car and moved to France so Lance could reenter the world of professional cycling. We got married and promptly had three children—a son and then twin daughters—who were breast-fed, toted between countries and utterly adored by their devoted, full-time, stay-at-home mommy. (So much for my scoffing.). . .
If you ask me today what I truly love, I can easily tell you I love God, my family, my friends, fireworks displays, a good red wine, staying up late with a mystery novel, a sweaty run, painting abstract art, indulging my organizational compulsions, laughing until no sound comes out and taking my time. If you had asked me when I was married what I loved, I would have automatically told you the things that I loved about my husband. . . . Making him happy became my happy.
So this once-devout Catholic stopped going to church because it was inconvenient. . . . I quit reading late into the night because the light was bothersome to a tired athlete who needed sleep. I put all the energy and skills that made me a good manager and account executive into errands, planning and mothering. But the beauty of a wife is not found in those things. The beauty of a wife is in her being, not in her doing. During those years I perfected my doing and neglected my being. I remember the day that revelation first hit me: I made a joke to Lance about being opinionated, and he looked at me, sincerely confused: “You?”
Getting back the real me
If I were to do things over again, I wouldn’t have thrown myself so irrevocably into my new life. I would have guarded the things that made me feel like me —the places, the friends —and above all I would have spoken up about my needs. Instead, I will leave you with a lesson about how a woman can hold on to the bright, hard flame of who she is.
If your husband asks what you think, tell him. If you have a preference, voice it. If you have a question, ask it. If you want to cry, bawl. If you need help, raise your hand and jump up and down. I spent five years juggling kids, travel, cooking, smoothing. I never once said that I couldn’t do it on my own, or that I was just plain tired. I became a prisoner to my own inability to say uncle when life squeezed me too hard. The warden was pride, and I remained in maximum security.
The time may come when you realize that the only way to restore the meaning to your marriage is to get back the real you. It requires warrior-size courage to take a stand against the miscommunication, deception and emotional distance that breed in the shadows of inauthenticity. You will have to boldly step up to the line and speak from your heart. You will have to own your words (spoken and unspoken), your actions (done and undone) and the consequences of both. . . .
[I hope my daughters] will bring to their marriages the greatest gift of all: a unique and unshakable sense of self.
Kristin Armstrong is a freelance writer and contributing editor for Runner’s World magazine.
May 12th, 2006 at 6:59 am
What Kristin says to me is that if you try to find yourself in someone else, you are doomed.
May 13th, 2006 at 7:04 pm
I read that article a while back. I know women or men that have lived their married lives without personal growth. They became depleted and the cost was great.
May 15th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
I can totally relate to that. I just got married 2 years ago and have been dealing with the same feelings. Great post!
August 28th, 2006 (5 days ago) at 8:04 pm
I’m not sure how I feel about this. I love my husband but it’s not the same love that began 8 years ago. It has changed and evovled. I am not the same person I was 8 years ago. I have also changed and evovled. You can grow the most when you are serving those you love. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself and not feel like you’ve become someone you aren’t but I don’t think that’s what marriage does for me. I think anyone who stays the same isn’t doing much of anything. It’s not always a piece of cake but I sure wouldn’t trade it in for being single again.
September 12th, 2006 at 6:31 pm
I totally understand, and agree with, what Kristin means - been there done that to death - however, it also depends on the kind of man you marry. Choose someone you can communicate with and be honest with from the very beginning - AND, a man who will also be honest with you. I didn’t. Huge mistake. Huge painful mistake. DO NOT SETTLE. As Kristin says,you have to own “both your Words (spoken and unspoken) and actions (done and undone)” - we are after all in the end responsible for our own lives whether it’s easy or not. Trust me on this. I’m 60 and have lived it too long.
September 13th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Thanks, Linda. As a survivor of one 28-year marriage, a divorce, a “settling” 1-year second marriage and another divorce, and finally a re-marriage to my first husband, I can also unequivocably say that Kristin is right. It was only through getting through that inauthenticity that was developed through the first marriage - going through lots of counseling together - that my first husband and I were able to reunite. Our relationship now is between two “real” people.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I have just read this article after just reading “I’s not about the Bike.” It was given to my husband 7 years ago by our son as we began our “fight” for his life after a diagnosis of liver cancer. Somehow I could not bring myself to read the book until now. My husband has survived and is a statistical anomoly. He still fights to survive but lives a good life and enjoys his children and grandchildren. We have been married for 38.5 years and each day is an adventure. Not all good adventures but adventures just the same.
I noted Lance’s comments about faith early in the book. He has been offended by his step father. I am sorry for that. I noted he wrote that Kristen lit candles all over Europe for him..her faith obviously touched him. HIs words about Kristen were words of love..he lived/lives a miraculous life..however you believe in miracles.
When I finished reading the book, knowing that the marriage was over, I wondered where Kristen was now..why had the marriage ended? It had sounded like a good marriage and that there was lots of love. I am a lawyer who deals with many divorces and I know the ingredients for failure. I also know there is hope for broken relationships, especially when there is a “faith factor.”
I wish that people would put the effort and discipline into relationships that they put into making money/achievingsuccess/fame/reaching goals.
Marriage is hard work. Raising kids is hard work. But we can do it if we have the will to do it and see the results of families staying together.
Kristen, Lance,your beautiful children, I wish you the best…I even pray for reconciliation. Your children and the heritage you give them are worth the fight and the forgiveness. “It’s not about the Bike” Its about love.
Blessings, Patricia
PS this is the first time I have ever responded to anything on line but I feel I must.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:30 pm
“and the two shall become one flesh”….marriage is meant to be a melding of two unique people into something better than the individual parts. If either partner does not speak up or stand up for themselves, their dreams, goals, desires, needs, etc, that is not the fault of ‘marraige’ as an institution, it is the fault of the hollywood-ization of marriage … teaching us to believe that the perfect partner will instinctively know and provide what we need to grow. The Good Book also says, ‘where there is no confidential talk, there is a frustrating of plans’ - couples need to schedule time for long walks and talks, putting the children to bed early if necessary and turning the TV off in order to finally turn and really look into each other’s eyes and souls.