As my regular readers know, my ex-husband, RT, and I recently remarried after almost 9 years of being divorced. It wasn’t an easy process to get to the point where we felt confident that remarrying would work. During those nine divorced years we both had other serious relationships, but eventually we made our way back to each other. Through many and varied tribulations, we rekindled our love, and we’re very happy together now.
I’m working on a piece about ex-spouses who remarry. If you or someone you know is in that situation and you don’t mind telling me your story or answering a few questions, please let me know.Â
I think it’s a fascinating topic - how people who are SO alienated that they divorce each other eventually work their way back to each other.Â
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November 26th, 2006 at 8:50 pm
I have been pondering this very idea and I’m struggling with the pros and cons.
November 26th, 2006 at 10:11 pm
Michelle, I’d love to hear more of your story. My ex and I went through a lot of counseling this past year - before deciding to get back together permanently. We wouldn’t do it until we were both certain that our relationship had changed enough to be successfulthis time. You can email me at carol@themediansib.com
January 3rd, 2007 at 4:02 pm
I recently reunited with my ex - we also have been seperated for approximately 9-10 yrs. I think it’s wonderful - we both feel very lucky and are also intersted in meeting others in the same situation.
January 17th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I MARRIED MY HUSBAND 29 YEARS AGO AND WE DIVORCED AFTER 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND 4 CHILDREN. WE BOTH REMARRIED OTHER PEOPLE WITH DISASTEROUS RESULTS. AFTER 14 YEARS SINCE OUR DIVORCE, WE RECENTLY REMARRIED AND ARE VERY HAPPY. OUR GROWN CHILDREN ARE ESTATIC AT HAVING THE FAMILY UNITE AND COME FULL CIRCLE. WE BOTH CAME BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MORE MATURE ATTITUDE, A REALISTIC VISION FOR OUR FUTURE AND A NEW FOUND RESPECT AND LOVE FOR FOR EACH OTHER.
January 20th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
my ex and I are contemplating getting back together. The reasons I left him are things he now has turned around. We have 2 beautiful little girls 4 and 3. Our dilemma: We are both dating other people and I’m expecting another child with my current beau. We don’t really want to hurt the people we are dating but we do still love each other. I told him how I felt prior to getting pregnant and he said maybe one day we could get back together. We have been divorce 1 year this february. I wish and hope and pray everyday that he and I could get back together. I enjoy hanging out with my current beau but he’s not what I want in a man. My ex was everything to me. I did everything for him and enjoyed doing so. I can’t bring myself to do the same with my current beau. I’m not sure how to handle this and was hoping one of you had some advice. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this but my folks and I know mom is probably at her wits end trying to help. I would just like advice from those that have been through this too. Please reply to me email address. btrflyniki@hotmail.com Anything would help Thank you!!
February 20th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
My husband and I are currently going through a divorce. We had grown so far apart and then he had an affair with his friends wife ( she was supposedly my friend) and they had been our neighbors for 8 years. During that time we all did a lot together as families. Evidently as he and I had our issues, she and her husband were having their issues. Instead of each of us working it out the two of them began talking and became good “friends”. This recently lead to a sexual relationship with her and we had parted for about two months as she also had left her husband. Her husband and I were both devestated to say the least. Well once it was out in the open and they didn’t have anything in common as their “problems” were no longer what could keep a relationship going-They had both left us- suddenly they weren’t as interesting to each other. She dumped him and went back to her husband. They still live across the street from me. I have recently let my husband move back due to a back injury he sustained but went forward with the divorce. He wants to try to start over in our relationship and says that what happened was just crazy. They never intended for things to go that far and he regrets it every day.I am willing to work on our relationship as we had been married 16 years and this was truely a first and to see your husband break down and cry because of the pain he caused me was awful. He knows trust will be a big issue and we have a lot to work on as far as getting to know each other again as we had grown so far apart. I love my husband dearly and want things to work as I believe in marriage but for now we will just live together and “date” each other to see what happens. It will be a monogomous relationship but without the paper saying we are married. As I told him maybe one day we can remarry but I need to find out who I am first and he needs to sort out his feelings for me. We have actually communicated more in the last month than in the last five years of our marriage. I guess we both needed a wake up call. Nothing is over till it’s over and only death is forever. Live for today as you may not have a tomorrow. Also we are not telling anyone we are divorced as it’s no ones business but ours and our kids wouldn’t understand the situation.
TMS: Loving each other is key. However, seeing a GOOD counselor is vital, I think. Old patterns can be hard to overcome. I’m so glad that things are working well for you now.
March 29th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I have been divorced from my ex for almost four years now. The separation was mainly because of him. Only until recently have I learned of any remorse from him. His mom told me he “has a lot of regrets”. I think he’s been trying to make a subtle come-back to me but hasnt actually said anything yet. As hard as the relationship was and as much of a jerk he was to me, I have never truly been able to get over him, especially since we have a son together. I’ve always wanted to get back with him someday but it’s hard when your whole family doesnt support that decision and they hate him because of things he’s done. He’s made some very drastic changes in his life recently and I could see us being a family again. How do you get your family to see that someone has truly changed, and really does want to start over a “new man”?
TMS: I don’t think you can make other people see that he has changed. I think you have to make a decision for yourself, and then let others see by how you and he act after that. I’d be very careful about starting over. It isn’t easy. I would strongly advise finding a GOOD marriage counselor first. Work through those big issues and what led to the divorce before any promises are made about getting back together. If he’s willing to do that, then there is hope for a change.
That’s my two cents worth anyway. Good luck!
May 1st, 2007 at 5:49 pm
My divorce from my husband of 14 years is final within a few weeks. We signed our settlement agreement together just this morning. We both sat there terrified and held hands most of the time… the paralegal told us that was a first for him.
I’m filled with doubt and regret. We both agree there were huge problems and our seperation was absolutely necessary. My husband has taken ownership of his part in this. He wants to get back together, and he swears he would go to the ends of the earth for me.
I lost a lot of respect for him, and there was no passion left when we parted. Can I ever get this back? I still like and admire him, and he is such a good decent man.
In the meantime, I’ve had a very tumultuous relationship with a man during the seperation which has been kept discreet. It’s everything my marriage was not: intellectually and physically stimulating, fun and new. But this man (an Iraq veteran) has many difficult issues. He is angry and tightly wound. If it wasn’t for this man, I’d probably pursue dating my ex-husband. I’ve never been so torn in my life
TMS: Sometimes I look back on my marriage (the first one) and wonder if I should have stuck it out. However, I know that AT THE TIME there was no option. It took the years of separation to get to the point where I could love and desire him as a husband again. There was a lot to overcome. A really good counselor is absolutely necessary - and we had some bad ones before we found the one that was just what we needed. Good luck to you. When you have a history and children with a person - it is worth the effort to work things out. No one else in the world could ever know me or love me the way he does.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I find it refreshing that there are people who actually want to work on their past relationships instead of thinking divorce is an easy way out.
My ex nad I have been separated for 3 years, divorced for one. We have remained friends the entire time. I have children (ages 10 and 6)from another marriage and he never bonded well with them,eventually leading to the demise of our relationship. He’s always had a sharp tongue with them and the tension was unbearable. (We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter.)
Over the past 6 months we have spent lots of time together and he has expressed openly about wanting to be together and that I’m the only person for him. He has not dated since we’ve parted (is what he’s told me). I have dated but each relationship fizzles quickly and I catch myself always thinking of him, comparing dates to him, etc..
There was so much anger and distrust over how my children were treated. He has taken a parenting class and really seems to have changed.
I would love to have us reconcile and be a family again but I’m petrified of the past repeating itself. I do truely love him and also want what’s best for my children. Any thoughts?
TMS: I would suggest finding a good counselor and going to counseling together. I was amazed at how our counselor helped us. However, it wasn’t an easy fix. We still struggle at times with our relationship. We’ve been remarried for almost a year now, and I know it was the best thing for us to do for ourselves. Good luck.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I am in a situation that is CLOSE to these posts. Let me give you a few details.
My ex wife and I married at age 19 and 20. The reason we married was because my ex was pregnant with our son (now 18 and in college). It was a VERY difficult time, and since we both had never dated anyone else, nor been sexual with any other person, we didn’t know how relationships really worked.
We stayed married for 10 years…until I started to access pornography. That was the beginning of the end for us. My ex wife, while beautiful and caring…was not an animal in bed. After seeing what women in movies did, I thought I needed to find out what sex was all about, so I began having affairs. My ex wife knew about a few of them, but chose to look the other way, “empowering me” to continue this practice. Eventually, I decided to leave her, and find a woman who was everything in bed I always wanted. I found such a woman. She was amazing…and I really thought I loved her. She gave me everything I wanted when it came to the bedroom. However, now some 7 years later and after marrying my now wife of 4 years, I have finally realized what a miserable mistake I made. I finally figured out that sex does not equal Love. I now know that Love is about respect…Admiration…Adoration and is comforting and joyful. What I didn’t realize, was that these feelings were slowly developing over the last 3 years, but only became aparent to me about 18 months ago.
I stayed close friends with my ex wife, and she simply is my best friend. We do some stuff together, but only if my current wife is gone, or there is a reason to go somewhere because of the kids (Baseball, school functions etc). We have talked at great length about our love for each other, but recently, she has found a new man (about 9 months ago). A man that she enjoys VERY much. He is new, exciting, different. She currently is over in Germany (he is in the military) visiting him for a month and she does enjoy being with him. It took a long time for me to come around to the fact that my ex wife and I belong together. It also has taken God and a lot of PRAYER to bring me back from pornography and my terrible sexual ways.
My ex wife is everything I ever wanted. Perfect, blameless, amazing, gentle, a loving mother, an incredible wife, and absolutely the best friend a man could ever have.
Currently, I am still married, but in a terrible marriage. I am 99% sure that this will end soon, as sex is NO reason to stay in a marriage…especially when we have NOTHING else in common. I have finally grown up, and figured out that I need to let my ex wife figure out what SHE wants. She knows my feelings, and she knows that I love her VERY much. However, what I need to do, is let her discover what I have found. This amazing new kind of love that I have for her. The respect and admiration that I have for her now, is amazing…and truthfully, if she were to EVER decide to take me back, she has to learn to respect and love me all over again. Even though I never hit her, yelled at her, or accused her of anything, I hurt her TERRIBLY, and I have BEGGED her for forgiveness. She has forgiven me, but she has to respect me now.
This is why I now go out of my way for her. Buy her coffee’s and lunches, take care of her house, fix up her car, love our kids and be the best dad I can be. If she decides I am not worth taking back, then I will wish her happiness with her new man. However, if she choses to give me one last chance, I will PROVE to her, that I am the man she always dreamed of, and I will spend the rest of my life, doing everything I can to make up for all the pain and suffering I caused her.
Patience is what I need now…and fortunately, it is one things that God is slowly teaching me.
TMS: Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
July 31st, 2007 at 5:58 pm
August 12th, 2007 (4 weeks ago) at 12:36 pm
I married my husband in 1985 (when I was 18 and he was 21). We got divorced in 1996, after 3 children. We remarried in 2000 and are currently going through divorce again.
I wish you tons of luck!
August 14th, 2007 (4 weeks ago) at 2:24 am
After reading these stories of marriage divorce and remarriage I decided that I would share my own story. Thomas and I were married for 6years, we have two daughter’s together. The reason for our divorce was, I that neither one of us was ready to make a commitment to one another at that time. However, the divorce was very bitter and we held a lot of resentment towards one another. Two months after our divorce was final he married again. They had two children and what seem to me to be the perfect life. During this time I came to realize that I still loved him, but I made no advances, I simply belived in my heart the we would someday be together again. He and his wife stayed together for 18years. And then one day I recieved a phone message from him telling me that he wanted to talk to me. Now, mind you my youngest daughter was only a few months old when we divorced and she was now 18yrs old. I agreed to meet him. I never would have guessed in all my wildest dream that what he would say to me that day would change our lives so profoundly. He told me that he had never stopped loving me and the reason that he had stayed married to this woman so long was because he didn’t want to leave any more of his children behind. We began a relationship and will be married on March 15,2008. I really believe that dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
TMS: Good luck to you. What a wonderful story!
August 21st, 2007 (3 weeks ago) at 3:28 am
I don’t know how to begin….firstly congratulations on all those couples that haved remarried their exes, saved a marriage, forgiven and are now happier than ever,,,my story differs a small bit in the fact that I am separated but not divorced yet…I was with Gloria for 17 yaers (8 1/2 married),, we have three gorgouse children (14,11 and6),,we separated last Xmas (2006),,,shetold me thatshe had fallen out of love with me…no one else involved…she was as devasted as I was…I moved out not long after…..I did take her for granted for a while..I had major emotional issues thatI was keeping to myselve…too ashamed to tell her because she also had the most traumatic upbringing and I felt my problems could never compare with hers so I kept them in…this made me miserable, moody, unfriendly,horrible to her and my babies…I became a couch potatoe….now I am paying the most painful price ever….I have changed…I have lost a lot ofweight, she says she can now talk to me…she recently split witj a boyfriend because she could not get me out of her head…and therelationshipwas because she was lonely…sha has also started waering the engagement ring i gave her..and she has a photograph of meand her on her bedsise cabinet…but she has confessed that she isso scared to take me back because she though I didi not love her….I suppose my question is how can I convince her that by seeking help, counselling, talking and getting to know eachother again will helpin saving our marriage?…I love her and the kids more than anything in the world…butI messed up..willsheever see this? any advice will be helpful…I strongly believe in remarriage to exes…i have seen it work with friends
August 21st, 2007 (3 weeks ago) at 5:01 pm
It was interesting to come across this site today. I am the child of parents (well, actually my dad and step-mother) who divorced when I was 11 or 12.
I learned recently, as an adult of 29, that the divorce happened when my mother and step-father decided to move us across the country to follow his job. My dad was torn to pieces over it and his marriage fell apart. I missed my step-mother dearly, she had been around since I was 3 or 4 and she regularly watched me and my sister when our mom had to work late.
Our step-mother’s son was the same age as my sister and I, and so we were like 3 peas in a pod (playing and fighting with each other!). After the divorce, though, there was NO contact with my step-mother and step-brother. It was very hard and confusing to deal with as a kid. No one sat us down to talk about it, and we were too young to know what to ask.
My dad found a long-time girlfriend that he moved in with and it stayed that way for about 6-7 years, maybe 8. Then, over the course of several months, my dad started to make off-handed comments about things not working out with his girlfriend. The next thing we knew, he had moved out and found a place of his own.
About a year or so later, my dad asks if we want to go to a barbecue and guess whose house it turn out to be? My stepmother’s! I was so happy to see her. That summer, they eloped (which sucked, because it felt like they didn’t want us kids to be a part of it), but they’ve been happily married for 9 years since! We’ve hashed it out and relived what happened and caught up on the “void” in the middle of our lives. It really does feel full-circle and I am glad for the both of them.
August 23rd, 2007 (3 weeks ago) at 5:27 pm
Wow! I love these stories. My husband and I divorced about 18 months ago. He battled a lot with acceptance issues and his family. They didnt approve of me and the pressue on him was pretty incredible, getting it from all sides! When he left, I was devastated. He’s my best friend. About 4 months ago, he called to tell me he was regretful and wanted to reconcile. We are both in counseling which is an absolute must! You cant hope to reconcile if the issues that seperated you in the first place arent dealt with in a constructive way. Counseling has given us tools for positive communication, taught us how to meet one anothers needs and overall increased our mutual respect for one another. I am hopeful but cautious. Remember that trust issues require intense work to overcome! I am a believer that perseverance and love will build our character and bring us to a more enriched life together. Good luck to all of us!
August 30th, 2007 (2 weeks ago) at 9:14 pm
I really appreciate all of you guys and your input, especially from the people that are older then me. I find Angela on a phone dating service here in Indy and had our first date on July 2nd 2002. We got married on Oct. 7th 2002. He eloped down in Gatinlburg, Tennesse. We both agreed that we didn’t date long enough to get to know each other more. We were going on our emotions of falling in love and being fatuated with each other. We had a son on Oct. 2nd 2003. He is a child of God! We thought we were both Christians, but didn’t represent that when we were married. We both had issues. I dealt with sexual sin and money problems. I didn’t hold a job like I needed to to provide for the family. I loved to spend money on myself, VERY SELFISH OF ME AND NO EXCUSES FOR IT. She told me last Feb. of 06 that she was going to start dating people and that really crushed me. I really gave up when she told me that. She kicked me out and I was living in my car from spring of 06 until the fall of 06 right in front of the apartment we rented. She had guys over and was doing sexual things and I would see condoms in the trash can. Our son was living there when all of this was going on. I have tried to talk and date other girls, but my heart is with Angela still. We were married for 4 yrs. and the positives of living in my car and being away from her is that it allowed me to really self-reflect about me and my personal conflicts that I was having that was ruining the marriage with Angela and my relationship with our son. I made a promise in front of God and I plan to keep it. She is still with a Guy as of this day(Aug 30th), but I’m trusting God will break this up. She said she is going to buy a house with this Guy, even though on numerous times she said she fights with him, etc. I WANTED SAY THAT BOTH OF US CAUSED OUR PROBLEMS TO ARISE AND CAUSE US TO BE SEPARTED AND DIVORCED. I’m not here to take shots at Angela, just to explain the timeline. I’m guilty and acknowlege my wrongs and know that God has already forgiven me for it.
September 12th, 2007 at 4:38 am
you know after reading these letters, I realize that I really need to leave my ex husband, before I become one of you idiots. You all seem so insecure, and mostly women. These letters have convinced me that I am too smart of a woman to put up with this bull shit that these men are putting us through. We as women have to at some point realize how stupid we are toward these men, my god they seem to be having their cake and you too. No wonder they do this stuff, their getting away with it. We can do better if we just get it in our heads and move on. Just because life is short is no excuse to stay with someone who you know will eventually do the same thing to you as before, and/or become handicapped on you, now you have to stay and take care of them. If you are 70 years old you may consider being a nurse, but if you are a beautiful and confident 25 to 60 year old women, you still got it! good luck to everyone and I’m just glad I took the time to read this stuff. Is it just me or are you all a bunch of fools? I am not a womens lib person, I’m just real.
sincerely- Divorce paralegal
TMS: Who knows, Mary? Although your comment doesn’t make much sense in parts, you seem quite eager to call people names and pass judgment on folks you don’t know. So who is the fool here? People who are sincerely trying to work on a relationship and do what’s best for themselves and their families, or someone who jumps into a “conversation” and starts calling people names? Good luck with that.
September 18th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
First of all, I am no idiot but thank you very little for the implication, MARY. I’m sure you’re really a happy person to be implying such things to people who are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, daughthers and sons. You have no idea who we are but we sure know what type of person you are now! I recommend the book “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck for anyone dealing with a person who has a Mary-type personality. It will help you heal the affects of human evil that resides in many people who would otherwise appear normal in everyday life.
I’ve been just dying for some statistical evidence that re-marrying an ex can work but have not been able to find anything. This page has been very helpful however so thank you to everyone with one obvious exception (but “they” are everywhere so why not here too?
I married my ex hub the first time in 1999. He had a series of events that snowballed into a depression causing him eventually to be out of work (with me supporting us on very meager wages) for three years and he seemed to hold a 24/7 chip on his shoulder that I could no longer handle so I eventually left in April 2004 and our divorce was final that December. I always worried about him so every six months or so I’d send an email to check on him. He’d come back saying he was fine and eventually he’d want to get back together and I’d say I never wanted to be w/him again but just wanted to know he was ok. And I really believed that to be true - that I never wanted to be with him again. Finally, in November 2006 he emailed me asking to see our dogs and catch up w/me (we had no kids). I thought it would be a short hour of him resenting me and leaving unhappy never to see me again. It is now September 2007 and he has not left my side since last November (so to speak, we have moved in together and we do go to work seperately every day - we’re not co-dependent or anything) and I’m so grateful for it. His depression has been taken care of and he no longer even needs medications for it. He works earnestly at a job he really enjoys with people he enjoys working with and for. But, most important of all, he still loves me and I still love him. We don’t have any trust issues to work through - we just needed to grow up and get our “stuff” together so to speak. We are marrying on 11/11/07 and looking forward to starting a new family shortly afterwards.
When asked if I worry if he’ll fall back into that rut again, I answer that I do not worry. We are different people now and why attract something unhappy to oneself by way of thought anyway? I dwell on the excitement of the future. I have nothing but great feelings for our future and I wish the same for everyone here.
TMS: Congratulations, and I’m sure it will work out for you. My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary of being back together (in addition to the 28+ years the first time we were married). It has been a good year. It hasn’t been easy at times, but we both know that we are where we want to be. No one is perfect, and our experiences with other people when we were divorced have helped us to grow to the point that we can accept each other’s imperfections and not let little things destroy a relationship. We are very happy together now.
Regarding “Mary” - some people enjoy leaving toxic comments in order to get reactions from people. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
September 26th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Never thought I would, but I am considering a comeback with the ex. We were married for 4 years and now divorced for 4 years. In the years we’ve been divorced everyone (my family and his) has said that we act like we are still married. We have one child, 6 years old. Reasons for divorce: His verbal abuse and sometimes psychological as well as infidelity on his part. He did not want the divorce, but once I made up my mind, it couldn’t be changed.
During our marriage he refused counseling, but after the divorce he requested it. He has always been a good father, pays child support on time and sees our child when he’s not working. Recently, I hung out with him and our child. I saw a different him. It wasn’t an act because he had no way of knowing what I was thinking. Since then, I’ve only seen the “new” him and it is refreshing. I feel that our relationship can be salvaged with some counseling and a willingness to work it out.
He was recently seeing someone casually but I don’t know if he still is and I am not currently involved with anyone. Neither of us have outside children. It’s almost like we’ve been taking a really long break and now it’s time to reconcile. If we get back together and stay this time, then those 4 divorced years will seem like a short, dark period in our history. Anyone have any thoughts or advice? RealEstateResult@Yahoo.Com
October 4th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
I am a co-host of a radio talk show called The Broad View with Norma and Susan. Our topic this Saturday, October 6, is about ex-spouses that remarry each other.
If you would like to call in with your views on the subject, phone us at 1-800-322-9377 or 309-829-2345. Ours is a call-in show and we would like your views…pro and con.
TMS:Thanks for the invitation, Norma. I’d love to participate, but my Saturday is packed with working on a new house and babysitting the grandkids. You didn’t mention what time the show airs either. From the response to this post, it is apparent that this IS a topic of interest to a lot of people.
October 25th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I have enjoyed reading each of these stories.
I am in a similar situation and have been searching for the happy endings. I was married for 11 years and divorced for 10 years. My ex and I have been great friends and have even been platonic roommates on a few occasions when in transition from one location to another. However, after 10 years of separation, romance has been rekindles and we have both admitted that we have and always will Love each other and neither of us has been able to move on.
Now we are talking about reconciling. Our families have all remained close and most have assumed that eventually it would happen but after 10 years it is a little scary. We had mostly money and trust issues and we married very young. But now in our 40’s, we are both self sufficient and independent. We enjoy each other and want to grow old together. I hope there is a happily ever after for us.
TMS: I hope there is a happily ever after for you, too. Work on it, and it can happen. Find a good counselor - even if you think you don’t need it - in order to work on your communication skills and to iron out general marriage issues.
November 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Hi I guess I making more of an observation than anything I was looking for stories of people re-marry again. It is very encouraging to hear that yes in fact it can happen. Of course there are not too many details given, but just the mere fact that most women where willing to get to a point of wanting to reconcile for whatever reason. I find myself today just waiting on my ex, I have shared my feelings for her, I know that i broke the trust in our relationship, and I was into porn very heavily. Is it possible, I believe it is it takes time, patience, and a willingness to forgive, the wrongs that have occured during the relationhsip. Besides I feel one of the many things that I have on my side is God first and foremost and her knowing that I’m a good person besides my mistakes I made. One of the sayings that I am reminded of is ” All things are possible to those who believe ”
TMS: The more I think about it, the more I think that usually when people get married, it is because they have strong feelings for each other. They LOVE each other. And even though that love can get sidetracked with life and jobs and children, the love and the attraction that brought them together in the first place is still there. Most often, when people divorce, those feelings have been so totally lost that it’s impossible to recover them. But SOMETIMES the feelings are still there and if the couple works especially hard - they can rekindle them and work through the issues that resulted in the divorce.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:06 am
I am in a situation, where I’m confused and hope for some answers. Although it will be tough not knowing the whole situation, but here goes. We have been together for 15 years, and married for 13 of those years with three beautiful kids, 10, 7, and 5. First, she became a stay at home mother, after our first born so that I could peruse my dreams. She put everything on the back burner, so I could succeed. Then, I had cheated a few years back for two years. However, I was forgiving and we started our lives back together me and we have had the best 2 1/2 years of our marriage, or so I thought. I found out however, that she wasn’t happy and was told out of the blue that she wanted out of the relationship. I was told that, if I had done everything I had done the past few years our relationship would have been one of the best ever. However, it cannot erase the hurt I had put her through and it was too little to late and she was trying to make it work but it just wasn’t. She insists on the fact that, by getting divorced if we are to have a future, we will start with a clean slate and she can move past all the hurt. She insists that, she needs to find herself, find what makes her happy, and remember why she feel in love with me in the first place. She also say’s that when she is ready, she hopes to find someone who will treat her the way she needs to be treated, and possibly when that time comes it maybe me. All she ever tells me is that she doesn’t love me, right now. She doesn’t want to be with me, right now. She doesn’t want anything (other than to be a friend) from me right know. She doesn’t want to separate because she feels that the two years I cheated, we were already separated for the most part. She say’s if we are meant to be we are meant to be and she isn’t closing the door at all on me. She tells me that she has a lot of things she needs to get right, and who knows what that is? Not me. I guess my question to anyone is, does this make any sense? We did goto a couple of therapy sessions, but our reasons where different. She knows I am devastated, and want to save the marriage, she wants me to be all right with her choice and become good friends. She has been pretty honest to me up to this point, and the counselor has said she has no reason to think she is being dishonest about the future. We go round and round when I ask her questions about the future, telling me to just drop it. I hound and hound, I will make a joke about holding her and she will say “that’s never going to happen,” so of course I look at her and say, but you said if its meant to be its meant to be. She answers, yes that’s true down the road but not anytime soon. I am a realist, I know that their is no crystal ball to tell me what is going to happen, but does anyone think their is a chance or does this just sound like false hope? I have over asked all the questions, and I am told I am just pushing her further away. I want to believe that we can make this work, even if it takes a while. Even if we both move on in our lives. Who knows, if this even makes sense. Will starting with a clean slate, really make her feel differently? Any advice will be good. I am told that I need to give her, her space but I always want to be close. We had a great dinner the other day and after talking for an hour afterwards she say’s…”this is why I want a divorce, we are so good to each other when we are friends, we treat each other with respect. We have no burdens on our shoulders.” Of course, Im thinking, “I don’t remember turning off the married button, actually we still are married.” but that would have ruined the moment. I am lost and confused….please help.
TMS: I can’t give any answers - I can only give my opinion. It seems that she is determined that she needs to be away from the marriage. Trying to hold onto her will only make her pull further away. In my own case, it was only after a few years apart that I was finally able to get past the hurt of our earlier relationship. It’s a lot to work through - especially in your case where there was infidelity. My ex and I were friends for several years before we got back together. I wish you a lot of luck. Stay strong. You’ve got three young children who need a strong and loving father. Check back in occasionally and let me know how it’s going for you. And counseling is good - whether you go by yourself or you go with her.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I always had a crush on this girl (A) from highschool but she had a boyfriend. They ended up getting married and moving away. Anyway I met this wonderful girl (B) and we got married and moved to America. We had a beautiful baby girl. Soon however our marriage was on the rocks and we separated. Then one day I am in a bar in New York and guess who I run into. My crush (A) from highschool. She revealed that she and her husband had gotten a divorce. We ended up in bed which resulted in the birth of our twinss. However she always longed for her ex and I had an affair with my ex (B). After 4 months of marriage we went our separate ways and once our divorce is finalised I plan to remarry my ex spouse (B) and A plans to remarry her ex spouse.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:12 am
I left my marriage 3 years ago in order to save myself. I was the one who was physically abusive (throwing things, slapping) and we were both verbally abusive in the end. There was no infidelity. We saw three therapists during our 2.5 year marriage. We loved one another but desperately needed help. I left, moving across the country. 1 year after our separation we found ourselves in the same city. We had kept in touch during our time apart. My ex decided to file for divorce after he found i had dated someone for a short while during our separation and even though i begged for him to try again with me. I did not want the divorce and was literally forced to sign the documents. I never saw a lawyer and never stepped in a court. During the processing of the paperwork he decided he wanted to try again, but I had already moved on with someone else. The divorce became final 1.5 years ago. We have both had serious (and healthy) relationships since the separation and divorce but nothing has worked. We always come back to one another, talking on the phone, emailing, or chatting online. We are both single now and I have grown tremendously in the last 3 years. I poured my heart out to my ex about a month ago telling him i wanted to try again and was willing to work extremely hard to make things work. He was really happy to hear what i had to say and we’re now talking. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m hopeful that love will prevail.
December 1st, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Hello,
I felt compelled to share my story and ask the opinion of people who have remarried their ex-spouse. Are my parents rushing to get back together? Here is their story from my point of view:
My parents were married for 26 years, I witnessed 18 years of their relationship which was filled with disappointment, and bitterness, and emotional baggage. My dad and mom never seemed to be happy, the relationship was far from harmonious. There were hints of my father cheating on my mother with several one-night stands and he generally acted childishly, never holding back from causing a scene about obscenely insignificant things. My mom would also not hold back from creating a tense situation by being constantly critical or taking on too much on herself without asking for help, and then being upset about my father not being supportive.
After some time, my younger sister and I wished that they would get a divorce to get to some normality. We actually tried to discuss it as an option with our mom – with no real results.
Our mother had lost her parents early and it seemed to me that she dearly wanted a family – regardless of the emotional toll.
As the years passed, at a certain point, the relationship became devoid of any positive experiences. They separated into different bedrooms, and my mom took a job in a different city, returning home on the weekends, holidays were unbearable, our family no longer socialized with others much.
My parents’ divorce came through 2 years later. It was quick and painless and did not involve my sister and me. The decision had been taken without our knowledge.
The divorce was quite a shock to my sister and me because the two of us had already resolved ourselves that the situation of our family will never change.
It has been a year and a half since our parents’ divorce. We recently learned that our father had started dating another woman, which made our mom surprisingly jealous. (A red flag in my mind)
A week after these events, our mother had effectively started dating our father, the other woman was out of the picture.
My parents have been dating for 2 months now. My mom started staying over at his place, and today they announced that they are planning to start living together in March.
I could not find it me to be supportive and enthusiastic. Even though I understand that people can be happy together even after a divorce, it seems to me that, if they are in a new, better relationship, they should give it more time to develop before starting to live together… After all, they could not find a way for their relationship to evolve for the 26 years of their marriage….
Thank you,
Toni
TMS: Hi Toni - thanks for stopping by and commenting. I am not a marriage counselor, and I can only speak from my own experience of remarrying my ex-spouse. Our marriage, too, had gotten to the place where the negatives were overpowering. It took several years apart for the worst of the bitterness and anger to pass, and then we went through months of counseling before we decided to remarry. We loved each other throughout the divorce and subsequent years of living apart. I even had a brief one-year marriage while we were divorced. However, my ex and I always had that connection that brought us together to begin with so many years ago - in addition to the connection of having children and grandchildren together. It was a lot of dedicated work to figure out how to communicate well and positively. Negative behavior patterns are hard to overcome, and even though we are happily remarried, it is still a struggle at times. I would recommend strongly that your parents get into long-term relationship counseling. Good luck to you.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:02 pm
After reading these stories I don’t feel so alone.
I left my husband Nov. 2004, the diivorce was final July 2006. We were married for 12 years and have a 5 and 10 year old. I also had 2 daughters from a previous marriage who were 6 and 7- now 20 and 18.
He was so kind and caring in the early years, then started getting sharp toungued with mu girls, while treating “our” own kids differently. He also started to turn into a couch potatoe and drinking a couple drinks to unwind each night. Basically, I didn’t speak up and wound up falling in love with another man (at work).
My ex husband was brutal during the divorce putting me through a custody battle and also becoming very possesive over matrial items. Infact his behavior drove me further awway from him.
Now, he’s apologetic. I’m living with this new man, who is a very wonderful person- gives the children love, respect, attention, etc.. But I keep contemplating working it out with my ex. Even though I’m thinking of the effects on the kids, the whole situation nauseates me. My life seems somewhat out of control. When I’m with my ex, there are thiongs he does that bug the heck out of me and I want to get on with my life with the other person. On the other hand, when I’m with my new guy, I’m constantlyfeeling guilty and feeling like I need to stick it out with my ex for the sake of our family. I’m torn in two. I literally change my mind on a daily basis. Counseling has not seemed to help much. I’m finishing up a 10week codependent group now. Any advice would be appreciated as Christmas is nearing and the NewYear-I’d like to put an end to my ping-ponging. Thanks!
December 5th, 2007 at 1:02 am
Hi, this might be a very long story, it goes back just over 2 1/2 yrs ago. At the time my husband was working at a major airport, and he met this single mom of 2 kids. He would talk to her and be her friend at work. He even talked to me about inviting her and her kids to go swimming that summer. Here’s where the problems begin….. They would talk about her sex life. To me this seemed weird. So he got to were he wouldn’t even talk to me about her. Then on June 7th, I had to drive his car to work….and me being the noisy woman I am, I searched his backpack that he carried to work. I found a brand new cell phone ( I knew nothing about) with only her number in it, and a couple of love letters between the two of them. I saw RED, drove back home to confront him, told him to call work to quit, and then call her telling her it was over. Well to my surprize he told me he didn’t want it to be over with her, I asked but you do want it over with me? He said yes, I went crazy, I started hitting him. Then I told him to get his stuff and get out. So he did, right into her place. He filed for the divorce and we were divorced just before our 4th wedding anniversary. Then they got married on March 17, 2006. On and off for the 2 1/2 yrs he and I talked. But the funny thing is we talked as FRIENDS. No talk of every getting back together. He would tell me about what was going on there, and I would tell him what was going on at my house. At times we would me in a public place and just talk. Then back in Sept of last year, he told me he told her he wanted a divorce, then within a week she found out she had a brain tumor. So he felt he needed to stay. We lost contact for a couple of months. Then one day I emailed, and he replied. I kept thinking it was her, so I put out testers. I sent him my cell phone number, and with it I commented that if it was her, the number could and would be changed, well it was him. We met that day at Whataburger and talked. Then like 2 weeks later, I had, had to much to drink when he called and I told him how I felt. That no matter how long it took we would be back together. He totally agreed, which surprized me. Then another couple of weeks went by, we talked on the phone, he went about his daily life, and I went on with mine. Then one day I was on my way to have drinks with some folks from work, and he called. He asked me what I was doing told him going up the freeway, he said well you must almost be home. I said, no actually going to the bar. I asked him where he was, he told me, I then asked how long he had, he said till he wanted to go home. I asked if he wanted to join us. Well gas being the high price it is, and him driving what he drives I offered to pick him up. Well I did, had a great time. Then took him back to his truck. Then 15 mins later his wife called my cell, and told me his things were outside and he could spend the night with me. I called him and ask did “she” call you, he said no why, so I explained. Well he’s moved into a place of his own. She filed for the divorce on Oct 29th, trying to take him to the cleaners. But even still to this day 2 months later she can’t prove that he and I were together that night she kicked him out. We see each other as much as we can. We have and haven’t decided to move back in together and make a go of it again. We have looked for a place, but have decided to wait till after the 1st of the year. I’m having the same troubles I think any woman would. Will he do this again? Can I trust him? I am to the point I am willing to try. I never stopped loving him, not one day. I think he and I have a bond that no one could or can break. Not even her and her threats. It’s funny, she would always threaten to throw him out if she caught him talking to me, but she never did, till Oct. 11. She even emailed me about it once, that I had done all the things he said I need to do. So when she was done with him, she would send him home to where he belonged, with me. Well we’re almost there, I’m almost sure of it. But still scared. Any advice? From anyone out there.
Thanks for letting me tell my story.
TMS: You asked “Will he do this again? Can I trust him?” The answer is yes to the first question and no to the second. He cheated on you when you were married to him, and he cheated on his second wife (who had a brain tumor) when he was married to her. If you remarry him, he will almost certainly continue the same pattern. My advice is to get into counseling on your own to figure out why you would want to be with someone so untrustworthy.
December 28th, 2007 at 12:20 am
My ex husband and I have been divorced for about five years now. We were married for 9yrs., together prior to that for a total of almost 17yrs & we have 3 children together. During our divorced years, there were some ups and downs. Overall, we have always remained friends and always vowed to maintain a fairly well relationship; mostly for the children. We both had serious significant others, but nothing that ever seemed to amount to anything longterm: No engagements or even a live-in. Just recently though He and I have been spending a lot of time together. He’s been spending the weekends over my house (in another state) with me and the kids for the last 3 or 4 weekends. I’t has been great. Just yesterday he’s asked to bring the new years in with me and I think he’s gonna bring up the idea that he and I get back together. we’ve toyed around with the idea a bit and it’s something that I would like. I’m apprehensive since we tried it before. Somehow we both belive that this time is different. That we’ve both grown and realized that we are really soul mates and that no matter how much we’ve tried, there’s just no moving on. So here I am. Wondering. If there’s some kind of couples counceling that we could attend in order to iron out any doubts before we start over yet again?
TMS: Good luck to you and you ex. If you were in Nashville, I could recommend a great couples counselor. However, I don’t know about other cities/states. Ask around. We found that counseling was invaluable for us. It helped us work out those little things that caused conflict in our first marriage. Our counselor always said it’s the little things that make or break a marriage.
January 7th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I have a similiar situation I divorced my ex wife oct. of 2006 but I know I still love her and I ended the marriage early to pursue “other interests” I now know it was a mistake I didn’t even give the marriage a chance, I was in the military for most of the time I was married. alot of stress and things came from me going to iraq and I was angered quickly and paranoid I have since learned to work out these feelings to a degree it has been almost (3 yrs since I was in iraq.)I know i wasn’t sensitive enough or caring I treated her like a marine too and that was just wrong, I learned to shut down all my feelings for fear of weakness and expected my poor wife to never cry or show weakness and It was so wrong, the other issue I have is I married the rebound girl and now shes pregnant I dont want to abandon my child but I have a real hard time feeling that I love my current wife and that things will work our in the long run. and it shouldnt be hard to love it should be natural and easy at times I feel forced. The divorce from my ex was an ugly one(ever seen a pretty one) and she claimed abuse and made me lose my career as a police officer. and thats just not true, I had anger issues but I never hit her or anything like that, now im torn cause I don’t know what to do. her family hates me and my family hates her, I believe she still loves me and I know i still love her. any advice
January 12th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I am so glad to find this page. As I read above, I’ve searched and found NO statistics on the success rate of exes remarrying each other.
My ex and I married after only knowing each other very briefly. I had just come out of an abusive 12 year marriage, he had just come out of his second short-lived marriage.
We had a lot of problems, with very few good times to remember and fall back on. However, we were married for 3 1/2 years, have been divorced 2, and have been seeing each other for most of that time.
We have just started counseling. Honestly, I just don’t know. I really want it to work out, but deep-down don’t have much real hope. I just wonder if this re-marriage would have as good a chance of working out as either would have with a new spouse. Thanks for reading!
January 18th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I am 37 and live in AZ, my ex-husband is 44 and now lives in Australia. We were together for 6 years and divorced in 2005. It was an ugly divorce to say the least. There were no children, which was a blessing considering. I decided to get sober in April 2005, one week later I discovered my husband was having an affair. I had suspected it but he had denied, until he got caught. In June 2005 he filed for divorce. I begged him to stay & dragged him to a therapist but it was too late. I have remained sober, attend 12 step meetings and have returned to school. I will finish my undergrad next year and hope to go on to earn a Ph.D.. I am proud to say I have grown up a lot and work very hard at living a good, honest life. In my drinking days I was selfish, bratty and vapid. I have become spiritual and grateful for everything. Life is good. Recently I emailed my ex and he responded. My email was about my deep regret that I was so difficult in the divorce and marriage. He responded with a kind email, saying he too was sorry and that he has never felt the way he felt for me before or since our marriage and doubts he will. I have had a serious realtionship since we divorced but he is the only man I have ever truly loved. I responded to his kind email and thanked him. My heart is telling me I want to rekindle the love, but it seems impossible. He will return to the States eventually, his job moves him every 2-3 years. How do I know that he might be interested? I’m trying to not get my hopes up but I can’t help myself. Given all the change in me would it even work? I know he has to have changed too. Giving me an apology was new behavior. I also wonder if I could ever trust him again. At the time of the divorce he said he cheated to make himself feel better. I asked if it worked, he replied Yes. That creates huge doubt for me. Today I believe people have a right to be happy. In doing so they can hurt others, as I was hurt. But I don’t really blame him. I was a handful. Living with an alcoholic is no day at the beach. I don’t think people intentionally hurt others, most are good souls just sometimes make really bad choices. I must give his history; he was married before for 13 years, left her for another woman named Penny. He & Penny moved over-seas where they split. I am almost certain he cheated on her there, then moved back to the US. Penny was very angry and vindictive, sending nasty letters to his employer, shutting off his utlities in his new apartment, etc…That is when I met him. So maybe he is serial cheater and this is his solution when he grows unhappy. Funny he said his first wife didn’t party and was a bore, Jenny drank too much, as for me I was a periodic drinker; got drunk 1-2 times a week. It worked until I started blacking out and at last realized I had to quit. Am I way ahead of myself here? I think I might.Does this have a chance or am I fooling myself? I am anxiously awaiting another email from him. It is hard to relax and wait. I am one who wants answers right now! Perhpas God is trying to teach me patience:) Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.
TMS: Your ex doesn’t appear to take marriage vows very seriously. You’ve changed, but has he? Would you be happy with a spouse you can’t trust? Only you can answer those questions. I wish I could send you to the counselor that helped my husband and I so much. It’s difficult to find someone who is really helpful. I wish you much good luck.
February 3rd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
After divorcing my first husband of 21 years I met and married my second husband within four weeks. Stupid right? The marriage lasted 4-1/2 years and ended up in divorce too. 2-1/2 years later after several relationships between us we found our way back to each other. Not sure if we will ever get married. I think living together is working to well. I for one of a fear of marriage now. We love each other deeply and release that the grass is not greener on the other side. Honestly I think the getting married so fast after ending the first marriage was one of the huge problems with our marriage. I needed to be a lone for a while as a free woman. We both have grown up.
TMS: I think a couple that had been married for so long have such a history that it is difficult to get past that in another relationship. I wish you the best. My husband and I did a lot of growing up when we were divorced, too. We’re in the second year of our remarriage, and we’re very happy. So it is possible. Married for 28 years, divorced for 9 years, remarried for 1 1/2 years and counting.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I am newly divorced after 2 years of marriage that weren’t really a marriage… I, too, have been looking for statistics on re-marrying your ex-spouse and haven’t had any luck.
I dated my ex-husband for 5 years before we got engaged. However, right after our engagement, he moved across the country for his job, and I was stuck behind trying to finish up my degree.
During the 3 years that we were apart, things just didn’t go well. There was little to no intimacy, and the lack of time together compounded that. It became a negative spiral.
We stopped talking and stopped being engaged with each other.
He met a woman in his new location who immediately began to do all of the activities that he did, constantly gave him complements, etc. In the end, between the problems with our long-distance marriage and having a woman who was falling all over him right there, you can guess what happened. So, even though I’ve moved to where I am only a few hours away from him, he abandoned the marriage for the other woman, saying that I had never truely been his confidant and he cannot trust me because I told both of our families about his infidelity. He also says that he regrets many things he did wrong during our relationship.
He agreed that if we could go back to the way our relationship originally was, he would do it. We have almost all of our interests in common, have similar political and religious views, and HAD a very similar plan for the future.
Right no, however, 2 months post-divorce, he says we have just been “playmates” for too long. There have been so many mistakes made that there is no way to fix it. He has gone back to the woman he was unfaithful with…
So, I am wondering if I am an idiot to think this could be fixed and to hope that we might work it out down the road. I have been dating a few guys who are a lot of fun, and great people, but I miss my ex. It was nice to see all of these posts. Maybe there is some hope.
If anyone knows of any statistics, please tell us where to find them!
:)
March 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
My ex-husband and I maintained a marital status over 10 years after divorce. He had suffered from bouts of depression and during that time, he was emotionally and verbally abusive and I felt I could no longer deal with that behavior and also, the fact that his family would not accept me again and he went to all his families gatherings without me as if I did not exist. We did things together but I always had to pay my own way, and we never vacationed together. I never really saw any changes in the things(abuse) which tore us apart originally.
Now, he dating someone he met on the internet and she and he are having the time of their lives. He is taking her everywhere, paying for Broadway shows etc. etc.
I am so brokenhearted, I do not know what to do.
I think it is just jealousy and feel if I should go back, I would probably be treated the same old way because I allowed him to do that for a long time.
I would like statistics too.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I met my husband when we were 14yrs old and we married at 20. We have 1 son together. We were together 16 yrs. We were both young and immature and made many mistakes.
I had issues with intimacy and he had 2 affairs. I stayed with him after the affairs but I was very unhappy and lonely. We never got any outside help, but by the time we did we were both fed up so we ended up divorced.
That was 5 yrs ago. We both moved on so we thought. I had another short marriage which produced a child and he also had another relationship, but somehow we have ended up wondering about being together again.
Has anyone been able to reconcile when there have been children from the mariages/relationships between the divorce and the remarriage. I need encouragemen:)
April 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Hi all,
In the same place for a lot of the same reasons. We divorced he remarried 5 weeks later it’s been almost 3 years and I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do and I seem to date men that are really not available. One being married, one living 5 hours away and the longer I am single the less I want to have a partner. Sometimes I can get over the anger and then I still feel sad and wish we had never divorced.
I think he feels the same way at times but he is a prideful man and I doubt he would admit he might have made a mistake, but then maybe he would. Dunno.
Thank you for this site, it is nice to read other people who are in the same place.
April 6th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
My question is different. I’ve been divorced for 8 years, how do I get my ex to STOP thinking of reuniting. I am NOT interested and he is constantly using our son as a pawn to punish me for divorcing him.
April 6th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Fluff - you just have to be definite in communicating with her husband. AND you have to refuse to allow him to use your son as a pawn. I don’t know how to do that, but your child has enough to deal with, and your ex needs to understand that he’s hurting your son by using in that way.
Thanks for stopping by. Let me know how it goes.
Susan - the only thing I can recommend is just being honest with your ex. Prepare yourself for any response, but then tell him how you feel. If he rejects you, at least you know that you were honest and you can move on because you did all you could do about the situation. If he has remarried, though, you have to respect that relationship. Things sure get complicated, don’t they? Good luck.
April 7th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Hi,
Been divorced for a year and a half. Began conversation with exhusband about a month ago and had sex over the weekend, he has had a few online relationships after our divorce and I dated one young man for about six months and met other men but nothing serious and it was very hard to deal with the fact that my exhusband divorced me when I was totally devoted and in love to him and with him. He says he really likes being able to talk with me, I don’t know what I think of him now except that he is very afraid to live life fully and give himself completely, until he does this he will never be happy. I have been in intense therapy and my spritual life has grown enormously. I don’t know if I am in love with him but I have found myself wondering what it would be like to be with him everyday again.
I lost one baby while married, he didn’t want the pregnancy at first and when I lost it he was quite relieved. He still doesn’t know if he wants children, says he’s too old I don’t agree since he’ll be 39 only. I’m 29. Sex is amazing and he says the same, so we agree in something! Am I just obsessed? Should I be more cautious, not let him into my thoughts and mind and body? Help!
April 8th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I understand Mary’s bitterness. I am one of the people in a relationship with someone who will not let go of their ex.
She very actively tries to get him back and he does nothing to discourage it.
I have witnessed him lying to her, he has told me how he has mistreated her, yet she still wants him back and I think he enjoys the attention.
I wish they WOULD get back together because they are making me insane.
Don’t involve other people in your mind games. The man who talks about cheating on his wife and then spending time with his ex while his new wife is out of town really, really makes me ill.
I hope she doesn’t go back to him. He only wants her now because he can’t have her and will cheat again.
Mary is right. We are often fools because of our low self esteem and desire to be loved. Men really do get “their cake and eat it too.”
I’ve put up with 2 years of my partner still being in an emotional relationship with his ex wife and I wish I knew what was wrong with me.
April 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Hi Ana,
I hope I’ve been definite here in saying that if one spouse has remarried, you MUST respect that new relationship. While I think you have to be honest with your ex-spouse, you definitely should not work to get him/her back if there’s another marriage involved.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I posted back in Sept ‘07 and am back to report that we remarried on 11/11 and I have never been happier and have had not one regret.
The wedding was a blast in comparsion to our first “prom wedding.”
We’re now working on purchasing a home in the next month and trying to get pregnant and both have been quite fun!
Yes, we still have arguments but we’re more mature now and realize that we love each other and some hiccups are natural in a relationshp. Our arguments that would have previously lasted 3+ days due to egos and immaturity now last a whopping 20 minutes if that (and that includes the cool down period). Everyone that spends time with us notices the difference right away.
I am very excited to spend the rest of this lifetime with my ex husband.
TMS: I’m so happy for you. Keep up that excitement and keep working to keep those arguments short. Congratulations.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:25 am
Hi, I first married Denise in 1989, and divorced in 2000, we married young, and i still have no valid reason why i wanted a divorce, i ended up remarrying (Melissa) and now in a very similar situation and heading to divorce, my wife says iam a great loving husband in all aspects, but she needs her “space”…through all this, ive spent hours talking to Denise and we are meeting in a few weeks (shes 100’s of miles away)we have talked about getting back together, we are like 2 high school kids now (both early 40’s)and much smarter than before…i still love her dearly, always did, and she feels the same…
April 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Hi,
I married my high school sweetheart at 18. We had two children and divorced after 12 years of marriage.
There was such passion in both fighting and loving. We divorced after repeated cheating on his part despite counseling…. It feels like getting married young is just not too smart.
We have been divorced for 4 1/2 years.
We kept open a friendship, we live in the same town and share custody of the kids.
I am incredibly successful, am told I am beautiful, and do not “need” my ex for anything.
I remarried 4 years ago and had 2 more children.
My current husband is amazing, kind, handsome, peaceful and very giving in the bedroom.
There is just something that happens sometimes to couples. I believe that for some people you fall in love and no matter what you do, or who you marry or who you sleep with…there may be that one person with whom you cannot move on from.
My oldest child with my ex said the he doesn’t know what’s worse..having divorced parents who hate each other or divorced parents that love each other.
I deeply love my ex. It is a battle and constant struggle to stay faithful. I do not love him for any particular reason. I just do. It has nothing to do with status in life, money, success, how many children you have between the two of you or how wonderful your new partner may be.
I dream of a day when I may be able to be with him again. We have talked, we are both sorry for many things. I will not divorce my current husband, I will not ever tell him and I will shelter my current husband from ever having pain associated with my shortcomings.
So for now I do believe because there are other children involved and because of the decisions I have made in the interim; I made my bed and I will miss him and long for him indefinately…..
April 26th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I’ve tried for the past two to let my ex Gloria live her live and me mine. I want to tell the world like i told her a month ago. I still love her and want her back in my life. We found out that we never had to get divorced if it were not a simple lack of comuication. The stupid thing was that we each cared so much for the other that at that time we thought to let the other go would make the other happy. Two years apart and lots of growth ,we can now talk openingly and honestly. She’s still not ready for me to come back completly. So we are going to date. It’s better than 28 years ago. Because we’re already in love.
April 27th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Hi Susan, I completely understand how you are still in love with your 1st love. I too am still in love with my 1st love.
Do you think it is fair to stay with your husband knowing that deep down inside your heart longs to be with your ex?
April 27th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Hi Ed, Were you and Gloria together for 28 years and divorced for 2? Are there any children involved?
At any rate congrats on the decision you guys made to date one and other. I wish you the best of luck.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:06 am
That a good question, Brittany :”Do you think it is fair to stay with your husband knowing that deep down inside your heart longs to be with your ex?”
I had a brief 1-year marriage while I was divorced. I SO much didn’t want to go through a second divorce, but I knew I was being unfair to my second husband to stay in the marriage when I really didn’t want to, and I knew I would never love him the way he wanted me to love him. I finally decided that for my own health and sanity, I had to get a divorce. It was an awful decision to make, but the bigger mistake was marrying the second husband in the first place. RT (my first husband) and I are married again now, and I KNOW it will be for the rest of our lives. However, we didn’t remarry as soon as I divorced my second husband. We went through over two years (after my second divorce) and lots of counseling before we remarried.
Relationships are complicated, and there are no easy answers, and there are certainly no blanket rules on how to navigate the issues.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Carol, I really thought that I was moving on. I got married again and had another CHILD and she is such a blessing, but in hindsight, I really knew that it was kind of a rebound type thing.
I was constantly comparing things in my head as far as the ex and ex number two are concerned. I even felt guilty when I became pregant becuase my ex, who was with someone else at the time revealed to me and some other family menmbers how hurt he was to see me married and pregnant with someone elses child.
I divorced the 2nd husband and he was crushed, but I just want what is best for him. I feel that he can find someone that can give him all that they have to offer without any reservations.
I also feel guilty because now my baby girl has separated parents, but the therapist said it is better that she have 2 separate parents in different households, than two miserable parents under one roof.
My ex husband and I would really love to rekindle our romance and try it again, but we are I guess both a little afraid to venture there. We have talked and seen each other a lot over the past nine months, but NO sex. We will save that for the wedding night(I hope)!
Then we also have my little girl to throw in the mix. Has anyone successfully reconciled when there are other children involved?
April 28th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
This thread has been going on forever! I was so glad to see that there were some recent posts.
I married my husband in 1999 after only being together for a year. Within a year, I had had a miscarriage and then a set of twins. 9 months later, we found out one twin had a serious medical issue and went though years of treatment. Thankfully, I was able to be a stay-at-home mom, and although I had planned to try this all along, I was suddenly ‘stuck’ without another option as my son had various therapies daily. Once the twins were 2 and the worst seemed to be past us, I was pregnant again went back to work part time to save my sanity. I then had an infant exactly 3 years after the twins. My husband worked long days and I was often the one to wake up with the kids and also to put them to bed. He and I rarely connected physically (3 small children!!) and I felt as though I had nothing for myself and was struggling to find something that would give me some happiness, so I went back to work full time, hoping that this would get me out of my depression.
Within a week, was sucked in by a lying, manipulative man that I eventually had an affair with and married. I was married to him for about 2 years (filing for divorce twice). While this was happening in my personal life, my kids were excelling and my career had taken off. I have been divorced from #2 now for only a few days but have been separated for several months, and several more months before that I saved money and planned to leave him. Throughout this brief marriage, #1 has been my friend and my partner in raising our children and has never passed judgment on me for my mistakes. He is actually the one who has encouraged my professional growth and has been emotional supportive in every way. I am not sure what is happening right now between us but we have been spending time together with the kids and he has been helping me around my house. He was married before me and was divorced from that wife (a very similar situation actually – she left him) and was in the process of getting back together with her when she suddenly died. I know his capacity for forgiveness is great. As for me, I feel like I have grown up in these last almost 4 years and that I have that something for myself that had been missing before. I finally feel like I could give something back now, and have a more realistic view of relationship that I don’t think I had before. My friends say to keep moving forward, but I feel like I let #1 down, didn’t keep my promises, and now understand what it takes and could do it. He is my best friend and one of the people I trust more than anyone in this world. I am just a bit more of a realist now and know that failing the second time around might leave our relationship forever changed and could really hurt the kids, who are still too young to understand. I am taking it one day at a time, which is really all that we can do in life anyway. Thanks for reading.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Hi Heather - thanks for joining in the discussion. RT and I had a lot to work through - and a lot of forgiving to do - before we were able to get back together. We’ve been remarried for a year and a half now - and we’re very happy. I know it is a permanent thing. Things aren’t perfect. However, our years apart made us more realistic about life and about our expectations. And life is better than ever. I tell you that so you will know that if your ex and you truly love each other and are willing to do the work necessary to make a remarriage work, then it CAN happen. RT and I had some VERY negative communication patterns, and we had built up a lot of animosity and resentment to each other. It took 9+ years of divorce and a couple years of dating again to work our way back to each other.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Thank you so much for that. I know that some of the habits that he and I had formed over the years would have to be broken, some of which do still rear their ugly heads from time to time. Over all, I do think that he and I could do it if the desire is there. I am so happy to know that there are couples like you and RT. It really gives me hope. Thank you again!
May 10th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Hi Carol,
Thank you for your response. I told my ex husband how I felt before he remarried. (remarried 5 weeks after our divorce was final, applied for marriage license 4 days after divorce was final) They will be married 3 years this Sept. I do respect his marriage, we primarily communicate through email and if he emails me from his work I will always respond to his work email but will also CC his home email so his wife knows we are communicating. We communicate on what needs to be done with the kids who needs to pick up
who’s sick etc. We only phone if there is an emergency of some sort that requires a response ASAP. Flat tire can you get the kids from school, etc.
He did confide in a mutal friend right before his remarriage that he hoped he was doing the right thing. She then told me and said he hasn’t gotten over the divorce and this is a rebound marriage. They have had trouble and been in and out of counseling from the start of their marriage, but they do seem to be doing well now.
I guess I am just not ready to date or start another relationship but maybe time will help, but until then I do have to honest with myself about how I still feel about my exhusband.
Thanks for your advise and this forum.
Suasn
May 24th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Susan, you seem to be handling things wisely. Things get really confusing with exes and new spouses and visitation…
May 27th, 2008 at 8:48 am
May 31st, 2008 at 9:45 pm
What a relief to know I’m not the only one thinking of reconciling with a former spouse. I left my husband after 5 years of marriage due to his alcoholism. It’s a disease that only he could fix and evidently one he had been battling for over 15 years (yes…he hid it well for a while…so did his enabling family). We’ve been apart for a little over a year. He is now sober and wants to see if we can work things out. I’m considering it since his drinking was the main problem in the relationship (not the lack of love). I left him because he wouldn’t seek help and became abusive during drinking spells. He was great when he wasn’t drinking,but for my own sanity/safety I couldn’t continue to be around when he was drunk. It was too hard to watch someone you love behave so irrationally. He ended up with serious medical issues that demanded he quit. I’m not sure if we will remarry…but who knows. Right now it’s one cautious step at a time. Am I crazy for getting back together with him? Perhaps, but I am willing to take that risk. Good luck to all!
June 1st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
TMS: Very smart - “One cautious step at a time.” Do that, and you’ll be okay.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:30 am
Carol,
I enjoyed reading your story of divorce and remarraige. I rejoice in your great “second blessing”. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We have enjoyed many great times but have also struggled with great financial irresponsibility, family conflicts, and sex addiction. In January of this year she discovered that I had been looking at on line pornography for the last 3 years. This was a relapse after 9 years of being clean. The truth is that I never followed through on counseling to the point of taking this out of my life completely and so I slowly crumbled as times got tough over the last few years which included the demise of our business. That and the fact that although I was a believer and grew up in church, I had never truly learned to surrender full control to Christ and allow his love to embrace me. Thanks to Him, a great therapist, and some very supportive mentors and friends, I am on a road to recovery that is remarkable and exciting. I have never been so full of hope, determination, confidence, and self worth.
Regrettably, about 5 weeks after the discovery of what I was doing in the dark, my wife decided she was fed up, didn’t love me anymore as a man (but we “will always be friends”), could not stand the violation of trust again, could not find the feeling she had found on other occasions to work through this and so she wanted a divorce. A few weeks later as I tried to convince her that I was serious about change this time, she asked me to move out. We are presently working on filing the divorce and settling a huge debt. Within six weeks after that, my wife has gone from being a Godly woman involved in church youth and mission ministries to joining internet dating services, meeting guys on line and dating them. I tell you it really hurts.I believe I now realize what pain she must have felt from my addiction and repeated offenses. She stopped attending church weeks ago. I don’t want to confront her.My counselor has told me not to bring this up at all. He believes that our present marraige has to die completely to ever be “reborn”. This is scary, but your story has inspired and encouraged me to remain true to my personal growth as this will be necessary in any case…..of course I hope I do get to remarry my soulmate. I will always love her no matter what. It’s so hard to believe what we have come to after being so close and so much in love. I know that she still loves me but can not be my wife any more (as she says) because she is so hurt and can’t trust or respect me. I’m hopeful that with time and God’s redemptive power hearts will be healed and feel that love again and be open to working it out. I know we could be so happy!
Anyhow, I saw you were trying to put together something on this divorce and remarry your ex phenomenon and thought I would let you know my story so far. Hopefully it will end up like yours. Congratulations to both of you and many happy returns!
God bless,
Alex
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Thanks, Alex, for commenting and sharing your story. First I have to say that I see no problem or moral issue with using online dating services. I’ve been there and done that - and there are some nice folks on those services. Of course one must sift through a bunch of kooks in order to find the good ones. And if the church is one that the two of you attended together, she might very well not be attending because of that - the memories there - or possibly because she feels guilty for ending the marriage. I don’t know - I’m just guessing based on what you wrote, what others have shared with me and what I’ve experienced myself.I understand about the need for the present marriage to “die completely to ever be ‘reborn.” That’s essentially what happened with my husband and me. The risk, of course, is that the “death” might be permanent. I know one thing for sure, though. If one person in a marriage is definite about the relationship being over . . . then it’s over. It takes both folks committed to making it work. Good luck to you. When you wrote “I’m hopeful that with time and God’s redemptive power hearts will be healed and feel that love again and be open to working it out” you are thinking in the right direction. However, my advice is to move on - get involved in an active singles group at your church - or another church, or get involved in other worthwhile activities. Prove to your wife - through your actions and words - that she can trust and respect you again. Getting back together is a long shot. It MIGHT work out, but it probably won’t. You can hold that hope in your heart, but don’t let it stop you from getting back into life and living your life to the fullest.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
After 20 years, 19 years married, my divorce was finalized this past week. it was love at first sight for us and we were glowing to each other when we met and for many years after. we eloped and got married a second time a year later for christian reasons through the church to appease the families and our convictions. the first 10 years were pretty wonderful. aside from a 4-5 month confusing and minimally physical affair on my part we enjoyed these times much. we waited and planned our first child after several years as i pursued my career and she followed her career in compliment to mine. when our child was one year old, her parents decided they would not be as supportive as grandparents as we had thought and they sort of disowned her and her grandmother followed suit and disowned her with italian guilt and shame accusing her of hurting her mother. at this same time she began seriously disrespecting my decision to try and start my own corporation by berating my computer and internet activity including telling me both were dumb and stupid. i raised over 100k to develop a children educational project but ultimately failed. nevertheless, these times were fun and we really enjoyed our love and attraction to each other and had never lost the in love feeling even many years into our marriage. however, this would begin to change as shortly after our child was born we began having adult fun by allowing a third female party into our bed about a dozen times over the course of several years. HUGE mistake. as well, we both came from domestic violent homes and although there were only a couple small minor incidents the first decade, the verbal and pschological abuse that grew the second decade got really ugly. we would fight over every thing from my addiction to sexual play, lack of finances (college cost us 100k)to lack of family support (we literally had no one to help with our child and had little time to ourselves), to increasing verbal and psychological abuse between each other. eventually i told her to get her own career and her own dreams and she did just that and enrolled into college. my career tumbled and my corporation tanked but at least i tried. now however, she became a full fledged bartender and hardcore nursing student. 4 years, no summers off, bartending 3 nights a week and me at home with the kids, depressed and playing video games and porn surfing to pass time until she eventually graduated. we spoke of how we would move back home and spend quality counseling time and therapy time when she graduated and repair our addictions since we would have access to healthcare. we did try local counseling with two different therapists but one told us to break apart immediately and the other was touching my wifes foot under the table with his. this really sent us away from the local help. all through this time we still maintained some good family times and we still loved each other much. later she revealed she had been unhappy for some time but mostly i think to change her history to support what eventually would be her departure.( at one point she actually tried to talk my daughter into moving in with her high school beau).this january i finally became part of something great that inspired me to believe in myself and be a better man for me and my family but it required me to leave town for a couple weeks right at the end of her nursing program when she needed me most. like an idiot i left and she was alone with my crazy 2 year old and my daughter. anothe HUGE mistake. and after 4 years of college with no summers off, a child born including breastfeeding for 2 years and only 1 vacation where she weaned AND we took an old “playfriend” (another HUGE mistake) soon it became clear when i left for my inspirational campaigning, she made a decision to call her high school sweetheart and from that day forward has given her confidence and trust to him. she apologized much and said she always believed we would be old together but she had feelings for this guy and needed to know why. then this past couple months she got super angry to gain space and get divorced. i suggested we continue on our path to get professional help but she was done at this time. i love her too much to deny that as i want her to be happy so i did not conflict with her and gave her one of the fastest divorces around. attorneys said we must be good friends to come to such fair terms so fast and amicably. we share 50/50 custody of our 11 year old daughter and my 3 yr old. we are beginning fresh but without each other. we live 5 miles apart and she is living with her parents who finally respect me since i got their daughter through nursing school but are loyal to their daughter who they have never supported until now, not even when she was younger. i am still in love with her and she still shows signs she still has feelings for me and denies them. in the words of my daughter, “she is doing everything she can to NOT fall back in love with you”. but right now she still needs to pass her boards, start 12 weeks training in cardiac transplant and is very excited to begin a new relationship with her high school beau. oh did i mention she bought a new truck and her and beau’s 20 yr reunion is this august? simply put i think we burned each other out. she has not wanted anything to do with counseling or therapy and just wants a fresh start. she says if its meant to be with us it will be but at this time she is needing space from me. i am eager to enjoy this time to work my own issues out and to be a strong and good parent. i have no idea what lies ahead but deep in my heart we both have always considered oursleves to be each other’s ‘true love’ even as we divorced. it seems her first love from high school, who ironically, his 17 year wife died, after 3 yr bone marrow struggle, 8 months ago, is her focus now and they plan to have a relationship to what extent i do not know. i am eager to know, with midlife crisis, a pile of past addictions, and domestic violence tendencies ( we never beat each other up but we sure looked like an old italian movie where we scream, claw and spit and then kiss and love at days end) is this really salvageable? our love has and is very strong but currently is put to the side due to extenuating circumstances and the need for space. she recently told my daughter she will always love me and not just as the father of her children. she still shows signs and gets angry when i misstep with my words or my intentions. she still asks and wants to know my every move with work, life and activity but does not want me to bug her and let her do what she wants. all from her parents home who i have tried to get her to talk with for over a decade and now she does to move in and claim abuse by me so they will pay for the divorce. her father, who is a closet fan of mine actually ended up paying for the divorce. she told her parents she was done and there was too much abuse and they supported her 100% finally. and with her graduation they stated their unconditional love for her and her kids and for anything she wanted to do. once again finally! so here i live, getting insurance to start my therapy, restart my career, and my life. after reading everyone’s story, how can i NOT believe we will reconcile? what else can i do? many want me to date others but i feel like my story, despite the paperwork is still ‘live’ or is it temporarily dead? i dont much feel like getting involved with anyone, maybe a fun date here and there but i am content to focus my life on my myself and my kids and see what happens. am i doing the right things here and can i do more? i believe true love will prevail over a midlife crisis and first love. sorry so long
June 11th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Haven’t even been divorced a year yet, but my ex and I are seeing each other often and still love each other. Our marriage had many downs one after another. He was working 70 hours a week, I suffered from an eating disorder,we lost a child and all of that was devastating to our relationship. We didn’t spend any time together as a couple. We saw a marriage counselor during marriage to try to open up communication, but the therapists were terrible! We gave up our search, then we lost our first child. We never did get counseling after that and now I am looking back with regret. Why didn’t I fight harder for our marriage? We currently talk about reconciling, and he wants me to move back home, but I am so anxious about our families accepting it. It fills me with dread to think that I put my family (parents) through a divorce only to turn around and reconcile. I am getting therapy but wondered if we should be seeing someone together? Any comments would be helpful. We were only married two years…..
June 18th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I am so glad to have found this site. I dated my ex for 6 years before we married. After 37 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Why? I know the final reason was his two affairs. It was a devastating decision to make. I still am not certain it was the right thing to do. I had tried to get him to go to counseling…he always had to work late. And I told him he had to give up his girlfriend but he wouldn’t. He really didn’t think I would ever file for divorce. I didn’t either. The divorce was final one year ago. It was a nasty divorce that took over a year to complete. He was very angry at me for filing. Now we are talking more than we had for years. He says he is sorry and is not living with the “lady” anymore. He says he wants to go to counseling and work at getting back together. I have dated and met several nice men but even though they want to continue with a serious relationship, I just don’t feel the commitment that I should. It is exhausting to try to decide what to do. We have 3 wonderful children….all grown of course…who say they just want me to be happy. But they have seen how unhappy both of us were at times. Can I ever trust my ex again? Will he ever trust me again not to leave him? Do I want to let him back in my life for what would certainly be the last chapter of my life? While I of course remember many good things about our marriage, how does one forget the hurt and deceit that occurred? Looking back before I made the decision to file, I remember the encouragement I received from friends and lawyers to file. Someone needs to start a business called “Before You File” to give people all the avenues to explore before you make that life changing decision to divorce. So, long story short, can re-marrying your ex really work?