As my regular readers know, my ex-husband, RT, and I recently remarried after almost 9 years of being divorced.  It wasn’t an easy process to get to the point where we felt confident that remarrying would work.  During those nine divorced years we both had other serious relationships, but eventually we made our way back to each other.  Through many and varied tribulations, we rekindled our love, and we’re very happy together now.

I’m working on a piece about ex-spouses who remarry.  If you or someone you know is in that situation and you don’t mind telling me your story or answering a few questions, please let me know. 

I think it’s a fascinating topic – how people who are SO alienated that they divorce each other eventually work their way back to each other. 

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143 Responses to “Marrying an Ex-Spouse”

  1. I Love Nancy Lou Says:

    links from TechnoratiSo, as I was reading the website, that I had found (below), I came across this AMAZING entry… GloriaMay 1st, 2007 at 5:49 pmMy divorce from my husband of 14 years is final within a few weeks. We signed our settlement agreement together just this morning. We both sat there terrified and held hands most of the time… the paralegal told us that was a first for him. I’m

  2. Michelle Archer Says:

    I have been pondering this very idea and I’m struggling with the pros and cons.

  3. carol Says:

    Michelle, I’d love to hear more of your story. My ex and I went through a lot of counseling this past year – before deciding to get back together permanently. We wouldn’t do it until we were both certain that our relationship had changed enough to be successfulthis time. You can email me at carol@themediansib.com

  4. Jackie Says:

    I recently reunited with my ex – we also have been seperated for approximately 9-10 yrs. I think it’s wonderful – we both feel very lucky and are also intersted in meeting others in the same situation.

  5. DEE Says:

    I MARRIED MY HUSBAND 29 YEARS AGO AND WE DIVORCED AFTER 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND 4 CHILDREN. WE BOTH REMARRIED OTHER PEOPLE WITH DISASTEROUS RESULTS. AFTER 14 YEARS SINCE OUR DIVORCE, WE RECENTLY REMARRIED AND ARE VERY HAPPY. OUR GROWN CHILDREN ARE ESTATIC AT HAVING THE FAMILY UNITE AND COME FULL CIRCLE. WE BOTH CAME BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH A MORE MATURE ATTITUDE, A REALISTIC VISION FOR OUR FUTURE AND A NEW FOUND RESPECT AND LOVE FOR FOR EACH OTHER.

  6. Nicole Says:

    my ex and I are contemplating getting back together. The reasons I left him are things he now has turned around. We have 2 beautiful little girls 4 and 3. Our dilemma: We are both dating other people and I’m expecting another child with my current beau. We don’t really want to hurt the people we are dating but we do still love each other. I told him how I felt prior to getting pregnant and he said maybe one day we could get back together. We have been divorce 1 year this february. I wish and hope and pray everyday that he and I could get back together. I enjoy hanging out with my current beau but he’s not what I want in a man. My ex was everything to me. I did everything for him and enjoyed doing so. I can’t bring myself to do the same with my current beau. I’m not sure how to handle this and was hoping one of you had some advice. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this but my folks and I know mom is probably at her wits end trying to help. I would just like advice from those that have been through this too. Please reply to me email address. btrflyniki@hotmail.com Anything would help Thank you!!

  7. Debbie Says:

    My husband and I are currently going through a divorce. We had grown so far apart and then he had an affair with his friends wife ( she was supposedly my friend) and they had been our neighbors for 8 years. During that time we all did a lot together as families. Evidently as he and I had our issues, she and her husband were having their issues. Instead of each of us working it out the two of them began talking and became good “friends”. This recently lead to a sexual relationship with her and we had parted for about two months as she also had left her husband. Her husband and I were both devestated to say the least. Well once it was out in the open and they didn’t have anything in common as their “problems” were no longer what could keep a relationship going-They had both left us- suddenly they weren’t as interesting to each other. She dumped him and went back to her husband. They still live across the street from me. I have recently let my husband move back due to a back injury he sustained but went forward with the divorce. He wants to try to start over in our relationship and says that what happened was just crazy. They never intended for things to go that far and he regrets it every day.I am willing to work on our relationship as we had been married 16 years and this was truely a first and to see your husband break down and cry because of the pain he caused me was awful. He knows trust will be a big issue and we have a lot to work on as far as getting to know each other again as we had grown so far apart. I love my husband dearly and want things to work as I believe in marriage but for now we will just live together and “date” each other to see what happens. It will be a monogomous relationship but without the paper saying we are married. As I told him maybe one day we can remarry but I need to find out who I am first and he needs to sort out his feelings for me. We have actually communicated more in the last month than in the last five years of our marriage. I guess we both needed a wake up call. Nothing is over till it’s over and only death is forever. Live for today as you may not have a tomorrow. Also we are not telling anyone we are divorced as it’s no ones business but ours and our kids wouldn’t understand the situation.

    TMS: Loving each other is key. However, seeing a GOOD counselor is vital, I think. Old patterns can be hard to overcome. I’m so glad that things are working well for you now.

  8. Veronica Says:

    I have been divorced from my ex for almost four years now. The separation was mainly because of him. Only until recently have I learned of any remorse from him. His mom told me he “has a lot of regrets”. I think he’s been trying to make a subtle come-back to me but hasnt actually said anything yet. As hard as the relationship was and as much of a jerk he was to me, I have never truly been able to get over him, especially since we have a son together. I’ve always wanted to get back with him someday but it’s hard when your whole family doesnt support that decision and they hate him because of things he’s done. He’s made some very drastic changes in his life recently and I could see us being a family again. How do you get your family to see that someone has truly changed, and really does want to start over a “new man”?

    TMS: I don’t think you can make other people see that he has changed. I think you have to make a decision for yourself, and then let others see by how you and he act after that. I’d be very careful about starting over. It isn’t easy. I would strongly advise finding a GOOD marriage counselor first. Work through those big issues and what led to the divorce before any promises are made about getting back together. If he’s willing to do that, then there is hope for a change. -) That’s my two cents worth anyway. Good luck!

  9. Gloria Says:

    My divorce from my husband of 14 years is final within a few weeks. We signed our settlement agreement together just this morning. We both sat there terrified and held hands most of the time… the paralegal told us that was a first for him.

    I’m filled with doubt and regret. We both agree there were huge problems and our seperation was absolutely necessary. My husband has taken ownership of his part in this. He wants to get back together, and he swears he would go to the ends of the earth for me.

    I lost a lot of respect for him, and there was no passion left when we parted. Can I ever get this back? I still like and admire him, and he is such a good decent man.

    In the meantime, I’ve had a very tumultuous relationship with a man during the seperation which has been kept discreet. It’s everything my marriage was not: intellectually and physically stimulating, fun and new. But this man (an Iraq veteran) has many difficult issues. He is angry and tightly wound. If it wasn’t for this man, I’d probably pursue dating my ex-husband. I’ve never been so torn in my life

    TMS: Sometimes I look back on my marriage (the first one) and wonder if I should have stuck it out. However, I know that AT THE TIME there was no option. It took the years of separation to get to the point where I could love and desire him as a husband again. There was a lot to overcome. A really good counselor is absolutely necessary – and we had some bad ones before we found the one that was just what we needed. Good luck to you. When you have a history and children with a person – it is worth the effort to work things out. No one else in the world could ever know me or love me the way he does.

  10. Dana Says:

    I find it refreshing that there are people who actually want to work on their past relationships instead of thinking divorce is an easy way out.
    My ex nad I have been separated for 3 years, divorced for one. We have remained friends the entire time. I have children (ages 10 and 6)from another marriage and he never bonded well with them,eventually leading to the demise of our relationship. He’s always had a sharp tongue with them and the tension was unbearable. (We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter.)
    Over the past 6 months we have spent lots of time together and he has expressed openly about wanting to be together and that I’m the only person for him. He has not dated since we’ve parted (is what he’s told me). I have dated but each relationship fizzles quickly and I catch myself always thinking of him, comparing dates to him, etc..
    There was so much anger and distrust over how my children were treated. He has taken a parenting class and really seems to have changed.
    I would love to have us reconcile and be a family again but I’m petrified of the past repeating itself. I do truely love him and also want what’s best for my children. Any thoughts?

    TMS: I would suggest finding a good counselor and going to counseling together. I was amazed at how our counselor helped us. However, it wasn’t an easy fix. We still struggle at times with our relationship. We’ve been remarried for almost a year now, and I know it was the best thing for us to do for ourselves. Good luck.

  11. Rodney Says:

    I am in a situation that is CLOSE to these posts. Let me give you a few details.

    My ex wife and I married at age 19 and 20. The reason we married was because my ex was pregnant with our son (now 18 and in college). It was a VERY difficult time, and since we both had never dated anyone else, nor been sexual with any other person, we didn’t know how relationships really worked.

    We stayed married for 10 years…until I started to access pornography. That was the beginning of the end for us. My ex wife, while beautiful and caring…was not an animal in bed. After seeing what women in movies did, I thought I needed to find out what sex was all about, so I began having affairs. My ex wife knew about a few of them, but chose to look the other way, “empowering me” to continue this practice. Eventually, I decided to leave her, and find a woman who was everything in bed I always wanted. I found such a woman. She was amazing…and I really thought I loved her. She gave me everything I wanted when it came to the bedroom. However, now some 7 years later and after marrying my now wife of 4 years, I have finally realized what a miserable mistake I made. I finally figured out that sex does not equal Love. I now know that Love is about respect…Admiration…Adoration and is comforting and joyful. What I didn’t realize, was that these feelings were slowly developing over the last 3 years, but only became aparent to me about 18 months ago.

    I stayed close friends with my ex wife, and she simply is my best friend. We do some stuff together, but only if my current wife is gone, or there is a reason to go somewhere because of the kids (Baseball, school functions etc). We have talked at great length about our love for each other, but recently, she has found a new man (about 9 months ago). A man that she enjoys VERY much. He is new, exciting, different. She currently is over in Germany (he is in the military) visiting him for a month and she does enjoy being with him. It took a long time for me to come around to the fact that my ex wife and I belong together. It also has taken God and a lot of PRAYER to bring me back from pornography and my terrible sexual ways.

    My ex wife is everything I ever wanted. Perfect, blameless, amazing, gentle, a loving mother, an incredible wife, and absolutely the best friend a man could ever have.

    Currently, I am still married, but in a terrible marriage. I am 99% sure that this will end soon, as sex is NO reason to stay in a marriage…especially when we have NOTHING else in common. I have finally grown up, and figured out that I need to let my ex wife figure out what SHE wants. She knows my feelings, and she knows that I love her VERY much. However, what I need to do, is let her discover what I have found. This amazing new kind of love that I have for her. The respect and admiration that I have for her now, is amazing…and truthfully, if she were to EVER decide to take me back, she has to learn to respect and love me all over again. Even though I never hit her, yelled at her, or accused her of anything, I hurt her TERRIBLY, and I have BEGGED her for forgiveness. She has forgiven me, but she has to respect me now.

    This is why I now go out of my way for her. Buy her coffee’s and lunches, take care of her house, fix up her car, love our kids and be the best dad I can be. If she decides I am not worth taking back, then I will wish her happiness with her new man. However, if she choses to give me one last chance, I will PROVE to her, that I am the man she always dreamed of, and I will spend the rest of my life, doing everything I can to make up for all the pain and suffering I caused her.

    Patience is what I need now…and fortunately, it is one things that God is slowly teaching me.

    TMS: Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

  12. Diana Says:

    I married my husband in 1985 (when I was 18 and he was 21). We got divorced in 1996, after 3 children. We remarried in 2000 and are currently going through divorce again.

    I wish you tons of luck!

  13. valerie Says:

    After reading these stories of marriage divorce and remarriage I decided that I would share my own story. Thomas and I were married for 6years, we have two daughter’s together. The reason for our divorce was, I that neither one of us was ready to make a commitment to one another at that time. However, the divorce was very bitter and we held a lot of resentment towards one another. Two months after our divorce was final he married again. They had two children and what seem to me to be the perfect life. During this time I came to realize that I still loved him, but I made no advances, I simply belived in my heart the we would someday be together again. He and his wife stayed together for 18years. And then one day I recieved a phone message from him telling me that he wanted to talk to me. Now, mind you my youngest daughter was only a few months old when we divorced and she was now 18yrs old. I agreed to meet him. I never would have guessed in all my wildest dream that what he would say to me that day would change our lives so profoundly. He told me that he had never stopped loving me and the reason that he had stayed married to this woman so long was because he didn’t want to leave any more of his children behind. We began a relationship and will be married on March 15,2008. I really believe that dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

    TMS: Good luck to you. What a wonderful story!

  14. Marco Says:

    I don’t know how to begin….firstly congratulations on all those couples that haved remarried their exes, saved a marriage, forgiven and are now happier than ever,,,my story differs a small bit in the fact that I am separated but not divorced yet…I was with Gloria for 17 yaers (8 1/2 married),, we have three gorgouse children (14,11 and6),,we separated last Xmas (2006),,,shetold me thatshe had fallen out of love with me…no one else involved…she was as devasted as I was…I moved out not long after…..I did take her for granted for a while..I had major emotional issues thatI was keeping to myselve…too ashamed to tell her because she also had the most traumatic upbringing and I felt my problems could never compare with hers so I kept them in…this made me miserable, moody, unfriendly,horrible to her and my babies…I became a couch potatoe….now I am paying the most painful price ever….I have changed…I have lost a lot ofweight, she says she can now talk to me…she recently split witj a boyfriend because she could not get me out of her head…and therelationshipwas because she was lonely…sha has also started waering the engagement ring i gave her..and she has a photograph of meand her on her bedsise cabinet…but she has confessed that she isso scared to take me back because she though I didi not love her….I suppose my question is how can I convince her that by seeking help, counselling, talking and getting to know eachother again will helpin saving our marriage?…I love her and the kids more than anything in the world…butI messed up..willsheever see this? any advice will be helpful…I strongly believe in remarriage to exes…i have seen it work with friends

  15. A.B. Says:

    It was interesting to come across this site today. I am the child of parents (well, actually my dad and step-mother) who divorced when I was 11 or 12.

    I learned recently, as an adult of 29, that the divorce happened when my mother and step-father decided to move us across the country to follow his job. My dad was torn to pieces over it and his marriage fell apart. I missed my step-mother dearly, she had been around since I was 3 or 4 and she regularly watched me and my sister when our mom had to work late.

    Our step-mother’s son was the same age as my sister and I, and so we were like 3 peas in a pod (playing and fighting with each other!). After the divorce, though, there was NO contact with my step-mother and step-brother. It was very hard and confusing to deal with as a kid. No one sat us down to talk about it, and we were too young to know what to ask.

    My dad found a long-time girlfriend that he moved in with and it stayed that way for about 6-7 years, maybe 8. Then, over the course of several months, my dad started to make off-handed comments about things not working out with his girlfriend. The next thing we knew, he had moved out and found a place of his own.

    About a year or so later, my dad asks if we want to go to a barbecue and guess whose house it turn out to be? My stepmother’s! I was so happy to see her. That summer, they eloped (which sucked, because it felt like they didn’t want us kids to be a part of it), but they’ve been happily married for 9 years since! We’ve hashed it out and relived what happened and caught up on the “void” in the middle of our lives. It really does feel full-circle and I am glad for the both of them. razz

  16. Sarah Says:

    Wow! I love these stories. My husband and I divorced about 18 months ago. He battled a lot with acceptance issues and his family. They didnt approve of me and the pressue on him was pretty incredible, getting it from all sides! When he left, I was devastated. He’s my best friend. About 4 months ago, he called to tell me he was regretful and wanted to reconcile. We are both in counseling which is an absolute must! You cant hope to reconcile if the issues that seperated you in the first place arent dealt with in a constructive way. Counseling has given us tools for positive communication, taught us how to meet one anothers needs and overall increased our mutual respect for one another. I am hopeful but cautious. Remember that trust issues require intense work to overcome! I am a believer that perseverance and love will build our character and bring us to a more enriched life together. Good luck to all of us!

  17. Tod Says:

    I really appreciate all of you guys and your input, especially from the people that are older then me. I find Angela on a phone dating service here in Indy and had our first date on July 2nd 2002. We got married on Oct. 7th 2002. He eloped down in Gatinlburg, Tennesse. We both agreed that we didn’t date long enough to get to know each other more. We were going on our emotions of falling in love and being fatuated with each other. We had a son on Oct. 2nd 2003. He is a child of God! We thought we were both Christians, but didn’t represent that when we were married. We both had issues. I dealt with sexual sin and money problems. I didn’t hold a job like I needed to to provide for the family. I loved to spend money on myself, VERY SELFISH OF ME AND NO EXCUSES FOR IT. She told me last Feb. of 06 that she was going to start dating people and that really crushed me. I really gave up when she told me that. She kicked me out and I was living in my car from spring of 06 until the fall of 06 right in front of the apartment we rented. She had guys over and was doing sexual things and I would see condoms in the trash can. Our son was living there when all of this was going on. I have tried to talk and date other girls, but my heart is with Angela still. We were married for 4 yrs. and the positives of living in my car and being away from her is that it allowed me to really self-reflect about me and my personal conflicts that I was having that was ruining the marriage with Angela and my relationship with our son. I made a promise in front of God and I plan to keep it. She is still with a Guy as of this day(Aug 30th), but I’m trusting God will break this up. She said she is going to buy a house with this Guy, even though on numerous times she said she fights with him, etc. I WANTED SAY THAT BOTH OF US CAUSED OUR PROBLEMS TO ARISE AND CAUSE US TO BE SEPARTED AND DIVORCED. I’m not here to take shots at Angela, just to explain the timeline. I’m guilty and acknowlege my wrongs and know that God has already forgiven me for it.

  18. mary Says:

    you know after reading these letters, I realize that I really need to leave my ex husband, before I become one of you idiots. You all seem so insecure, and mostly women. These letters have convinced me that I am too smart of a woman to put up with this bull shit that these men are putting us through. We as women have to at some point realize how stupid we are toward these men, my god they seem to be having their cake and you too. No wonder they do this stuff, their getting away with it. We can do better if we just get it in our heads and move on. Just because life is short is no excuse to stay with someone who you know will eventually do the same thing to you as before, and/or become handicapped on you, now you have to stay and take care of them. If you are 70 years old you may consider being a nurse, but if you are a beautiful and confident 25 to 60 year old women, you still got it! good luck to everyone and I’m just glad I took the time to read this stuff. Is it just me or are you all a bunch of fools? I am not a womens lib person, I’m just real.

    sincerely- Divorce paralegal

    TMS: Who knows, Mary? Although your comment doesn’t make much sense in parts, you seem quite eager to call people names and pass judgment on folks you don’t know. So who is the fool here? People who are sincerely trying to work on a relationship and do what’s best for themselves and their families, or someone who jumps into a “conversation” and starts calling people names? Good luck with that.

  19. LD-50 Says:

    First of all, I am no idiot but thank you very little for the implication, MARY. I’m sure you’re really a happy person to be implying such things to people who are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, daughthers and sons. You have no idea who we are but we sure know what type of person you are now! I recommend the book “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck for anyone dealing with a person who has a Mary-type personality. It will help you heal the affects of human evil that resides in many people who would otherwise appear normal in everyday life.

    I’ve been just dying for some statistical evidence that re-marrying an ex can work but have not been able to find anything. This page has been very helpful however so thank you to everyone with one obvious exception (but “they” are everywhere so why not here too?

    I married my ex hub the first time in 1999. He had a series of events that snowballed into a depression causing him eventually to be out of work (with me supporting us on very meager wages) for three years and he seemed to hold a 24/7 chip on his shoulder that I could no longer handle so I eventually left in April 2004 and our divorce was final that December. I always worried about him so every six months or so I’d send an email to check on him. He’d come back saying he was fine and eventually he’d want to get back together and I’d say I never wanted to be w/him again but just wanted to know he was ok. And I really believed that to be true – that I never wanted to be with him again. Finally, in November 2006 he emailed me asking to see our dogs and catch up w/me (we had no kids). I thought it would be a short hour of him resenting me and leaving unhappy never to see me again. It is now September 2007 and he has not left my side since last November (so to speak, we have moved in together and we do go to work seperately every day – we’re not co-dependent or anything) and I’m so grateful for it. His depression has been taken care of and he no longer even needs medications for it. He works earnestly at a job he really enjoys with people he enjoys working with and for. But, most important of all, he still loves me and I still love him. We don’t have any trust issues to work through – we just needed to grow up and get our “stuff” together so to speak. We are marrying on 11/11/07 and looking forward to starting a new family shortly afterwards. -)

    When asked if I worry if he’ll fall back into that rut again, I answer that I do not worry. We are different people now and why attract something unhappy to oneself by way of thought anyway? I dwell on the excitement of the future. I have nothing but great feelings for our future and I wish the same for everyone here.

    TMS: Congratulations, and I’m sure it will work out for you. My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary of being back together (in addition to the 28+ years the first time we were married). It has been a good year. It hasn’t been easy at times, but we both know that we are where we want to be. No one is perfect, and our experiences with other people when we were divorced have helped us to grow to the point that we can accept each other’s imperfections and not let little things destroy a relationship. We are very happy together now.

    Regarding “Mary” – some people enjoy leaving toxic comments in order to get reactions from people. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

  20. NS Says:

    Never thought I would, but I am considering a comeback with the ex. We were married for 4 years and now divorced for 4 years. In the years we’ve been divorced everyone (my family and his) has said that we act like we are still married. We have one child, 6 years old. Reasons for divorce: His verbal abuse and sometimes psychological as well as infidelity on his part. He did not want the divorce, but once I made up my mind, it couldn’t be changed.

    During our marriage he refused counseling, but after the divorce he requested it. He has always been a good father, pays child support on time and sees our child when he’s not working. Recently, I hung out with him and our child. I saw a different him. It wasn’t an act because he had no way of knowing what I was thinking. Since then, I’ve only seen the “new” him and it is refreshing. I feel that our relationship can be salvaged with some counseling and a willingness to work it out.

    He was recently seeing someone casually but I don’t know if he still is and I am not currently involved with anyone. Neither of us have outside children. It’s almost like we’ve been taking a really long break and now it’s time to reconcile. If we get back together and stay this time, then those 4 divorced years will seem like a short, dark period in our history. Anyone have any thoughts or advice? RealEstateResult@Yahoo.Com

  21. Norma Oberholtzer Says:

    I am a co-host of a radio talk show called The Broad View with Norma and Susan. Our topic this Saturday, October 6, is about ex-spouses that remarry each other.

    If you would like to call in with your views on the subject, phone us at 1-800-322-9377 or 309-829-2345. Ours is a call-in show and we would like your views…pro and con.

    TMS:Thanks for the invitation, Norma. I’d love to participate, but my Saturday is packed with working on a new house and babysitting the grandkids. You didn’t mention what time the show airs either. From the response to this post, it is apparent that this IS a topic of interest to a lot of people.

  22. Jay Rene Says:

    I have enjoyed reading each of these stories.

    I am in a similar situation and have been searching for the happy endings. I was married for 11 years and divorced for 10 years. My ex and I have been great friends and have even been platonic roommates on a few occasions when in transition from one location to another. However, after 10 years of separation, romance has been rekindles and we have both admitted that we have and always will Love each other and neither of us has been able to move on.

    Now we are talking about reconciling. Our families have all remained close and most have assumed that eventually it would happen but after 10 years it is a little scary. We had mostly money and trust issues and we married very young. But now in our 40’s, we are both self sufficient and independent. We enjoy each other and want to grow old together. I hope there is a happily ever after for us.

    TMS: I hope there is a happily ever after for you, too. Work on it, and it can happen. Find a good counselor – even if you think you don’t need it – in order to work on your communication skills and to iron out general marriage issues.

  23. Ron Travieso Says:

    Hi I guess I making more of an observation than anything I was looking for stories of people re-marry again. It is very encouraging to hear that yes in fact it can happen. Of course there are not too many details given, but just the mere fact that most women where willing to get to a point of wanting to reconcile for whatever reason. I find myself today just waiting on my ex, I have shared my feelings for her, I know that i broke the trust in our relationship, and I was into porn very heavily. Is it possible, I believe it is it takes time, patience, and a willingness to forgive, the wrongs that have occured during the relationhsip. Besides I feel one of the many things that I have on my side is God first and foremost and her knowing that I’m a good person besides my mistakes I made. One of the sayings that I am reminded of is ” All things are possible to those who believe ”

    TMS: The more I think about it, the more I think that usually when people get married, it is because they have strong feelings for each other. They LOVE each other. And even though that love can get sidetracked with life and jobs and children, the love and the attraction that brought them together in the first place is still there. Most often, when people divorce, those feelings have been so totally lost that it’s impossible to recover them. But SOMETIMES the feelings are still there and if the couple works especially hard – they can rekindle them and work through the issues that resulted in the divorce.

  24. John Says:

    I am in a situation, where I’m confused and hope for some answers. Although it will be tough not knowing the whole situation, but here goes. We have been together for 15 years, and married for 13 of those years with three beautiful kids, 10, 7, and 5. First, she became a stay at home mother, after our first born so that I could peruse my dreams. She put everything on the back burner, so I could succeed. Then, I had cheated a few years back for two years. However, I was forgiving and we started our lives back together me and we have had the best 2 1/2 years of our marriage, or so I thought. I found out however, that she wasn’t happy and was told out of the blue that she wanted out of the relationship. I was told that, if I had done everything I had done the past few years our relationship would have been one of the best ever. However, it cannot erase the hurt I had put her through and it was too little to late and she was trying to make it work but it just wasn’t. She insists on the fact that, by getting divorced if we are to have a future, we will start with a clean slate and she can move past all the hurt. She insists that, she needs to find herself, find what makes her happy, and remember why she feel in love with me in the first place. She also say’s that when she is ready, she hopes to find someone who will treat her the way she needs to be treated, and possibly when that time comes it maybe me. All she ever tells me is that she doesn’t love me, right now. She doesn’t want to be with me, right now. She doesn’t want anything (other than to be a friend) from me right know. She doesn’t want to separate because she feels that the two years I cheated, we were already separated for the most part. She say’s if we are meant to be we are meant to be and she isn’t closing the door at all on me. She tells me that she has a lot of things she needs to get right, and who knows what that is? Not me. I guess my question to anyone is, does this make any sense? We did goto a couple of therapy sessions, but our reasons where different. She knows I am devastated, and want to save the marriage, she wants me to be all right with her choice and become good friends. She has been pretty honest to me up to this point, and the counselor has said she has no reason to think she is being dishonest about the future. We go round and round when I ask her questions about the future, telling me to just drop it. I hound and hound, I will make a joke about holding her and she will say “that’s never going to happen,” so of course I look at her and say, but you said if its meant to be its meant to be. She answers, yes that’s true down the road but not anytime soon. I am a realist, I know that their is no crystal ball to tell me what is going to happen, but does anyone think their is a chance or does this just sound like false hope? I have over asked all the questions, and I am told I am just pushing her further away. I want to believe that we can make this work, even if it takes a while. Even if we both move on in our lives. Who knows, if this even makes sense. Will starting with a clean slate, really make her feel differently? Any advice will be good. I am told that I need to give her, her space but I always want to be close. We had a great dinner the other day and after talking for an hour afterwards she say’s…”this is why I want a divorce, we are so good to each other when we are friends, we treat each other with respect. We have no burdens on our shoulders.” Of course, Im thinking, “I don’t remember turning off the married button, actually we still are married.” but that would have ruined the moment. I am lost and confused….please help.

    TMS: I can’t give any answers – I can only give my opinion. It seems that she is determined that she needs to be away from the marriage. Trying to hold onto her will only make her pull further away. In my own case, it was only after a few years apart that I was finally able to get past the hurt of our earlier relationship. It’s a lot to work through – especially in your case where there was infidelity. My ex and I were friends for several years before we got back together. I wish you a lot of luck. Stay strong. You’ve got three young children who need a strong and loving father. Check back in occasionally and let me know how it’s going for you. And counseling is good – whether you go by yourself or you go with her.

  25. John Says:

    I always had a crush on this girl (A) from highschool but she had a boyfriend. They ended up getting married and moving away. Anyway I met this wonderful girl (B) and we got married and moved to America. We had a beautiful baby girl. Soon however our marriage was on the rocks and we separated. Then one day I am in a bar in New York and guess who I run into. My crush (A) from highschool. She revealed that she and her husband had gotten a divorce. We ended up in bed which resulted in the birth of our twinss. However she always longed for her ex and I had an affair with my ex (B). After 4 months of marriage we went our separate ways and once our divorce is finalised I plan to remarry my ex spouse (B) and A plans to remarry her ex spouse.

  26. JB Says:

    I left my marriage 3 years ago in order to save myself. I was the one who was physically abusive (throwing things, slapping) and we were both verbally abusive in the end. There was no infidelity. We saw three therapists during our 2.5 year marriage. We loved one another but desperately needed help. I left, moving across the country. 1 year after our separation we found ourselves in the same city. We had kept in touch during our time apart. My ex decided to file for divorce after he found i had dated someone for a short while during our separation and even though i begged for him to try again with me. I did not want the divorce and was literally forced to sign the documents. I never saw a lawyer and never stepped in a court. During the processing of the paperwork he decided he wanted to try again, but I had already moved on with someone else. The divorce became final 1.5 years ago. We have both had serious (and healthy) relationships since the separation and divorce but nothing has worked. We always come back to one another, talking on the phone, emailing, or chatting online. We are both single now and I have grown tremendously in the last 3 years. I poured my heart out to my ex about a month ago telling him i wanted to try again and was willing to work extremely hard to make things work. He was really happy to hear what i had to say and we’re now talking. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m hopeful that love will prevail.

  27. Toni Says:

    Hello,
    I felt compelled to share my story and ask the opinion of people who have remarried their ex-spouse. Are my parents rushing to get back together? Here is their story from my point of view:
    My parents were married for 26 years, I witnessed 18 years of their relationship which was filled with disappointment, and bitterness, and emotional baggage. My dad and mom never seemed to be happy, the relationship was far from harmonious. There were hints of my father cheating on my mother with several one-night stands and he generally acted childishly, never holding back from causing a scene about obscenely insignificant things. My mom would also not hold back from creating a tense situation by being constantly critical or taking on too much on herself without asking for help, and then being upset about my father not being supportive.
    After some time, my younger sister and I wished that they would get a divorce to get to some normality. We actually tried to discuss it as an option with our mom – with no real results.
    Our mother had lost her parents early and it seemed to me that she dearly wanted a family – regardless of the emotional toll.
    As the years passed, at a certain point, the relationship became devoid of any positive experiences. They separated into different bedrooms, and my mom took a job in a different city, returning home on the weekends, holidays were unbearable, our family no longer socialized with others much.
    My parents’ divorce came through 2 years later. It was quick and painless and did not involve my sister and me. The decision had been taken without our knowledge.
    The divorce was quite a shock to my sister and me because the two of us had already resolved ourselves that the situation of our family will never change.
    It has been a year and a half since our parents’ divorce. We recently learned that our father had started dating another woman, which made our mom surprisingly jealous. (A red flag in my mind)
    A week after these events, our mother had effectively started dating our father, the other woman was out of the picture.
    My parents have been dating for 2 months now. My mom started staying over at his place, and today they announced that they are planning to start living together in March.
    I could not find it me to be supportive and enthusiastic. Even though I understand that people can be happy together even after a divorce, it seems to me that, if they are in a new, better relationship, they should give it more time to develop before starting to live together… After all, they could not find a way for their relationship to evolve for the 26 years of their marriage….
    Thank you,
    Toni

    TMS: Hi Toni – thanks for stopping by and commenting. I am not a marriage counselor, and I can only speak from my own experience of remarrying my ex-spouse. Our marriage, too, had gotten to the place where the negatives were overpowering. It took several years apart for the worst of the bitterness and anger to pass, and then we went through months of counseling before we decided to remarry. We loved each other throughout the divorce and subsequent years of living apart. I even had a brief one-year marriage while we were divorced. However, my ex and I always had that connection that brought us together to begin with so many years ago – in addition to the connection of having children and grandchildren together. It was a lot of dedicated work to figure out how to communicate well and positively. Negative behavior patterns are hard to overcome, and even though we are happily remarried, it is still a struggle at times. I would recommend strongly that your parents get into long-term relationship counseling. Good luck to you.

  28. Melanie Says:

    After reading these stories I don’t feel so alone.
    I left my husband Nov. 2004, the diivorce was final July 2006. We were married for 12 years and have a 5 and 10 year old. I also had 2 daughters from a previous marriage who were 6 and 7- now 20 and 18.
    He was so kind and caring in the early years, then started getting sharp toungued with mu girls, while treating “our” own kids differently. He also started to turn into a couch potatoe and drinking a couple drinks to unwind each night. Basically, I didn’t speak up and wound up falling in love with another man (at work).
    My ex husband was brutal during the divorce putting me through a custody battle and also becoming very possesive over matrial items. Infact his behavior drove me further awway from him.
    Now, he’s apologetic. I’m living with this new man, who is a very wonderful person- gives the children love, respect, attention, etc.. But I keep contemplating working it out with my ex. Even though I’m thinking of the effects on the kids, the whole situation nauseates me. My life seems somewhat out of control. When I’m with my ex, there are thiongs he does that bug the heck out of me and I want to get on with my life with the other person. On the other hand, when I’m with my new guy, I’m constantlyfeeling guilty and feeling like I need to stick it out with my ex for the sake of our family. I’m torn in two. I literally change my mind on a daily basis. Counseling has not seemed to help much. I’m finishing up a 10week codependent group now. Any advice would be appreciated as Christmas is nearing and the NewYear-I’d like to put an end to my ping-ponging. Thanks!

  29. Cindy Says:

    Hi, this might be a very long story, it goes back just over 2 1/2 yrs ago. At the time my husband was working at a major airport, and he met this single mom of 2 kids. He would talk to her and be her friend at work. He even talked to me about inviting her and her kids to go swimming that summer. Here’s where the problems begin….. They would talk about her sex life. To me this seemed weird. So he got to were he wouldn’t even talk to me about her. Then on June 7th, I had to drive his car to work….and me being the noisy woman I am, I searched his backpack that he carried to work. I found a brand new cell phone ( I knew nothing about) with only her number in it, and a couple of love letters between the two of them. I saw RED, drove back home to confront him, told him to call work to quit, and then call her telling her it was over. Well to my surprize he told me he didn’t want it to be over with her, I asked but you do want it over with me? He said yes, I went crazy, I started hitting him. Then I told him to get his stuff and get out. So he did, right into her place. He filed for the divorce and we were divorced just before our 4th wedding anniversary. Then they got married on March 17, 2006. On and off for the 2 1/2 yrs he and I talked. But the funny thing is we talked as FRIENDS. No talk of every getting back together. He would tell me about what was going on there, and I would tell him what was going on at my house. At times we would me in a public place and just talk. Then back in Sept of last year, he told me he told her he wanted a divorce, then within a week she found out she had a brain tumor. So he felt he needed to stay. We lost contact for a couple of months. Then one day I emailed, and he replied. I kept thinking it was her, so I put out testers. I sent him my cell phone number, and with it I commented that if it was her, the number could and would be changed, well it was him. We met that day at Whataburger and talked. Then like 2 weeks later, I had, had to much to drink when he called and I told him how I felt. That no matter how long it took we would be back together. He totally agreed, which surprized me. Then another couple of weeks went by, we talked on the phone, he went about his daily life, and I went on with mine. Then one day I was on my way to have drinks with some folks from work, and he called. He asked me what I was doing told him going up the freeway, he said well you must almost be home. I said, no actually going to the bar. I asked him where he was, he told me, I then asked how long he had, he said till he wanted to go home. I asked if he wanted to join us. Well gas being the high price it is, and him driving what he drives I offered to pick him up. Well I did, had a great time. Then took him back to his truck. Then 15 mins later his wife called my cell, and told me his things were outside and he could spend the night with me. I called him and ask did “she” call you, he said no why, so I explained. Well he’s moved into a place of his own. She filed for the divorce on Oct 29th, trying to take him to the cleaners. But even still to this day 2 months later she can’t prove that he and I were together that night she kicked him out. We see each other as much as we can. We have and haven’t decided to move back in together and make a go of it again. We have looked for a place, but have decided to wait till after the 1st of the year. I’m having the same troubles I think any woman would. Will he do this again? Can I trust him? I am to the point I am willing to try. I never stopped loving him, not one day. I think he and I have a bond that no one could or can break. Not even her and her threats. It’s funny, she would always threaten to throw him out if she caught him talking to me, but she never did, till Oct. 11. She even emailed me about it once, that I had done all the things he said I need to do. So when she was done with him, she would send him home to where he belonged, with me. Well we’re almost there, I’m almost sure of it. But still scared. Any advice? From anyone out there.
    Thanks for letting me tell my story.

    TMS: You asked “Will he do this again? Can I trust him?” The answer is yes to the first question and no to the second. He cheated on you when you were married to him, and he cheated on his second wife (who had a brain tumor) when he was married to her. If you remarry him, he will almost certainly continue the same pattern. My advice is to get into counseling on your own to figure out why you would want to be with someone so untrustworthy.

  30. rochelle Says:

    My ex husband and I have been divorced for about five years now. We were married for 9yrs., together prior to that for a total of almost 17yrs & we have 3 children together. During our divorced years, there were some ups and downs. Overall, we have always remained friends and always vowed to maintain a fairly well relationship; mostly for the children. We both had serious significant others, but nothing that ever seemed to amount to anything longterm: No engagements or even a live-in. Just recently though He and I have been spending a lot of time together. He’s been spending the weekends over my house (in another state) with me and the kids for the last 3 or 4 weekends. I’t has been great. Just yesterday he’s asked to bring the new years in with me and I think he’s gonna bring up the idea that he and I get back together. we’ve toyed around with the idea a bit and it’s something that I would like. I’m apprehensive since we tried it before. Somehow we both belive that this time is different. That we’ve both grown and realized that we are really soul mates and that no matter how much we’ve tried, there’s just no moving on. So here I am. Wondering. If there’s some kind of couples counceling that we could attend in order to iron out any doubts before we start over yet again?

    TMS: Good luck to you and you ex. If you were in Nashville, I could recommend a great couples counselor. However, I don’t know about other cities/states. Ask around. We found that counseling was invaluable for us. It helped us work out those little things that caused conflict in our first marriage. Our counselor always said it’s the little things that make or break a marriage.

  31. Michael Says:

    I have a similiar situation I divorced my ex wife oct. of 2006 but I know I still love her and I ended the marriage early to pursue “other interests” I now know it was a mistake I didn’t even give the marriage a chance, I was in the military for most of the time I was married. alot of stress and things came from me going to iraq and I was angered quickly and paranoid I have since learned to work out these feelings to a degree it has been almost (3 yrs since I was in iraq.)I know i wasn’t sensitive enough or caring I treated her like a marine too and that was just wrong, I learned to shut down all my feelings for fear of weakness and expected my poor wife to never cry or show weakness and It was so wrong, the other issue I have is I married the rebound girl and now shes pregnant I dont want to abandon my child but I have a real hard time feeling that I love my current wife and that things will work our in the long run. and it shouldnt be hard to love it should be natural and easy at times I feel forced. The divorce from my ex was an ugly one(ever seen a pretty one) and she claimed abuse and made me lose my career as a police officer. and thats just not true, I had anger issues but I never hit her or anything like that, now im torn cause I don’t know what to do. her family hates me and my family hates her, I believe she still loves me and I know i still love her. any advice

  32. Lisa Says:

    I am so glad to find this page. As I read above, I’ve searched and found NO statistics on the success rate of exes remarrying each other.
    My ex and I married after only knowing each other very briefly. I had just come out of an abusive 12 year marriage, he had just come out of his second short-lived marriage.
    We had a lot of problems, with very few good times to remember and fall back on. However, we were married for 3 1/2 years, have been divorced 2, and have been seeing each other for most of that time.
    We have just started counseling. Honestly, I just don’t know. I really want it to work out, but deep-down don’t have much real hope. I just wonder if this re-marriage would have as good a chance of working out as either would have with a new spouse. Thanks for reading! )

  33. Amy Says:

    I am 37 and live in AZ, my ex-husband is 44 and now lives in Australia. We were together for 6 years and divorced in 2005. It was an ugly divorce to say the least. There were no children, which was a blessing considering. I decided to get sober in April 2005, one week later I discovered my husband was having an affair. I had suspected it but he had denied, until he got caught. In June 2005 he filed for divorce. I begged him to stay & dragged him to a therapist but it was too late. I have remained sober, attend 12 step meetings and have returned to school. I will finish my undergrad next year and hope to go on to earn a Ph.D.. I am proud to say I have grown up a lot and work very hard at living a good, honest life. In my drinking days I was selfish, bratty and vapid. I have become spiritual and grateful for everything. Life is good. Recently I emailed my ex and he responded. My email was about my deep regret that I was so difficult in the divorce and marriage. He responded with a kind email, saying he too was sorry and that he has never felt the way he felt for me before or since our marriage and doubts he will. I have had a serious realtionship since we divorced but he is the only man I have ever truly loved. I responded to his kind email and thanked him. My heart is telling me I want to rekindle the love, but it seems impossible. He will return to the States eventually, his job moves him every 2-3 years. How do I know that he might be interested? I’m trying to not get my hopes up but I can’t help myself. Given all the change in me would it even work? I know he has to have changed too. Giving me an apology was new behavior. I also wonder if I could ever trust him again. At the time of the divorce he said he cheated to make himself feel better. I asked if it worked, he replied Yes. That creates huge doubt for me. Today I believe people have a right to be happy. In doing so they can hurt others, as I was hurt. But I don’t really blame him. I was a handful. Living with an alcoholic is no day at the beach. I don’t think people intentionally hurt others, most are good souls just sometimes make really bad choices. I must give his history; he was married before for 13 years, left her for another woman named Penny. He & Penny moved over-seas where they split. I am almost certain he cheated on her there, then moved back to the US. Penny was very angry and vindictive, sending nasty letters to his employer, shutting off his utlities in his new apartment, etc…That is when I met him. So maybe he is serial cheater and this is his solution when he grows unhappy. Funny he said his first wife didn’t party and was a bore, Jenny drank too much, as for me I was a periodic drinker; got drunk 1-2 times a week. It worked until I started blacking out and at last realized I had to quit. Am I way ahead of myself here? I think I might.Does this have a chance or am I fooling myself? I am anxiously awaiting another email from him. It is hard to relax and wait. I am one who wants answers right now! Perhpas God is trying to teach me patience:) Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

    TMS: Your ex doesn’t appear to take marriage vows very seriously. You’ve changed, but has he? Would you be happy with a spouse you can’t trust? Only you can answer those questions. I wish I could send you to the counselor that helped my husband and I so much. It’s difficult to find someone who is really helpful. I wish you much good luck.

  34. Rhonda Says:

    After divorcing my first husband of 21 years I met and married my second husband within four weeks. Stupid right? The marriage lasted 4-1/2 years and ended up in divorce too. 2-1/2 years later after several relationships between us we found our way back to each other. Not sure if we will ever get married. I think living together is working to well. I for one of a fear of marriage now. We love each other deeply and release that the grass is not greener on the other side. Honestly I think the getting married so fast after ending the first marriage was one of the huge problems with our marriage. I needed to be a lone for a while as a free woman. We both have grown up.

    TMS: I think a couple that had been married for so long have such a history that it is difficult to get past that in another relationship. I wish you the best. My husband and I did a lot of growing up when we were divorced, too. We’re in the second year of our remarriage, and we’re very happy. So it is possible. Married for 28 years, divorced for 9 years, remarried for 1 1/2 years and counting.

  35. Karin Says:

    I am newly divorced after 2 years of marriage that weren’t really a marriage… I, too, have been looking for statistics on re-marrying your ex-spouse and haven’t had any luck.

    I dated my ex-husband for 5 years before we got engaged. However, right after our engagement, he moved across the country for his job, and I was stuck behind trying to finish up my degree.

    During the 3 years that we were apart, things just didn’t go well. There was little to no intimacy, and the lack of time together compounded that. It became a negative spiral.
    We stopped talking and stopped being engaged with each other.

    He met a woman in his new location who immediately began to do all of the activities that he did, constantly gave him complements, etc. In the end, between the problems with our long-distance marriage and having a woman who was falling all over him right there, you can guess what happened. So, even though I’ve moved to where I am only a few hours away from him, he abandoned the marriage for the other woman, saying that I had never truely been his confidant and he cannot trust me because I told both of our families about his infidelity. He also says that he regrets many things he did wrong during our relationship.

    He agreed that if we could go back to the way our relationship originally was, he would do it. We have almost all of our interests in common, have similar political and religious views, and HAD a very similar plan for the future.

    Right no, however, 2 months post-divorce, he says we have just been “playmates” for too long. There have been so many mistakes made that there is no way to fix it. He has gone back to the woman he was unfaithful with…

    So, I am wondering if I am an idiot to think this could be fixed and to hope that we might work it out down the road. I have been dating a few guys who are a lot of fun, and great people, but I miss my ex. It was nice to see all of these posts. Maybe there is some hope.

    If anyone knows of any statistics, please tell us where to find them!
    :)

  36. Jackie Says:

    My ex-husband and I maintained a marital status over 10 years after divorce. He had suffered from bouts of depression and during that time, he was emotionally and verbally abusive and I felt I could no longer deal with that behavior and also, the fact that his family would not accept me again and he went to all his families gatherings without me as if I did not exist. We did things together but I always had to pay my own way, and we never vacationed together. I never really saw any changes in the things(abuse) which tore us apart originally.
    Now, he dating someone he met on the internet and she and he are having the time of their lives. He is taking her everywhere, paying for Broadway shows etc. etc.
    I am so brokenhearted, I do not know what to do.

    I think it is just jealousy and feel if I should go back, I would probably be treated the same old way because I allowed him to do that for a long time.
    I would like statistics too.

  37. Brittany Says:

    I met my husband when we were 14yrs old and we married at 20. We have 1 son together. We were together 16 yrs. We were both young and immature and made many mistakes.

    I had issues with intimacy and he had 2 affairs. I stayed with him after the affairs but I was very unhappy and lonely. We never got any outside help, but by the time we did we were both fed up so we ended up divorced.

    That was 5 yrs ago. We both moved on so we thought. I had another short marriage which produced a child and he also had another relationship, but somehow we have ended up wondering about being together again.

    Has anyone been able to reconcile when there have been children from the mariages/relationships between the divorce and the remarriage. I need encouragemen:)

  38. Susan Says:

    Hi all,

    In the same place for a lot of the same reasons. We divorced he remarried 5 weeks later it’s been almost 3 years and I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do and I seem to date men that are really not available. One being married, one living 5 hours away and the longer I am single the less I want to have a partner. Sometimes I can get over the anger and then I still feel sad and wish we had never divorced.

    I think he feels the same way at times but he is a prideful man and I doubt he would admit he might have made a mistake, but then maybe he would. Dunno.

    Thank you for this site, it is nice to read other people who are in the same place.

  39. Fluff Says:

    My question is different. I’ve been divorced for 8 years, how do I get my ex to STOP thinking of reuniting. I am NOT interested and he is constantly using our son as a pawn to punish me for divorcing him.

  40. carol Says:

    Fluff – you just have to be definite in communicating with her husband. AND you have to refuse to allow him to use your son as a pawn. I don’t know how to do that, but your child has enough to deal with, and your ex needs to understand that he’s hurting your son by using in that way.

    Thanks for stopping by. Let me know how it goes.

    Susan – the only thing I can recommend is just being honest with your ex. Prepare yourself for any response, but then tell him how you feel. If he rejects you, at least you know that you were honest and you can move on because you did all you could do about the situation. If he has remarried, though, you have to respect that relationship. Things sure get complicated, don’t they? Good luck.

  41. Oli Says:

    Hi,
    Been divorced for a year and a half. Began conversation with exhusband about a month ago and had sex over the weekend, he has had a few online relationships after our divorce and I dated one young man for about six months and met other men but nothing serious and it was very hard to deal with the fact that my exhusband divorced me when I was totally devoted and in love to him and with him. He says he really likes being able to talk with me, I don’t know what I think of him now except that he is very afraid to live life fully and give himself completely, until he does this he will never be happy. I have been in intense therapy and my spritual life has grown enormously. I don’t know if I am in love with him but I have found myself wondering what it would be like to be with him everyday again.
    I lost one baby while married, he didn’t want the pregnancy at first and when I lost it he was quite relieved. He still doesn’t know if he wants children, says he’s too old I don’t agree since he’ll be 39 only. I’m 29. Sex is amazing and he says the same, so we agree in something! Am I just obsessed? Should I be more cautious, not let him into my thoughts and mind and body? Help!

  42. Ana Says:

    I understand Mary’s bitterness. I am one of the people in a relationship with someone who will not let go of their ex.

    She very actively tries to get him back and he does nothing to discourage it.

    I have witnessed him lying to her, he has told me how he has mistreated her, yet she still wants him back and I think he enjoys the attention.

    I wish they WOULD get back together because they are making me insane.

    Don’t involve other people in your mind games. The man who talks about cheating on his wife and then spending time with his ex while his new wife is out of town really, really makes me ill.

    I hope she doesn’t go back to him. He only wants her now because he can’t have her and will cheat again.

    Mary is right. We are often fools because of our low self esteem and desire to be loved. Men really do get “their cake and eat it too.”

    I’ve put up with 2 years of my partner still being in an emotional relationship with his ex wife and I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

  43. Carol Says:

    Hi Ana,
    I hope I’ve been definite here in saying that if one spouse has remarried, you MUST respect that new relationship. While I think you have to be honest with your ex-spouse, you definitely should not work to get him/her back if there’s another marriage involved.

  44. LD-50 Says:

    I posted back in Sept ’07 and am back to report that we remarried on 11/11 and I have never been happier and have had not one regret.

    The wedding was a blast in comparsion to our first “prom wedding.”

    We’re now working on purchasing a home in the next month and trying to get pregnant and both have been quite fun!

    Yes, we still have arguments but we’re more mature now and realize that we love each other and some hiccups are natural in a relationshp. Our arguments that would have previously lasted 3+ days due to egos and immaturity now last a whopping 20 minutes if that (and that includes the cool down period). Everyone that spends time with us notices the difference right away.

    I am very excited to spend the rest of this lifetime with my ex husband. -)

    TMS: I’m so happy for you. Keep up that excitement and keep working to keep those arguments short. Congratulations. -)

  45. Gary Says:

    Hi, I first married Denise in 1989, and divorced in 2000, we married young, and i still have no valid reason why i wanted a divorce, i ended up remarrying (Melissa) and now in a very similar situation and heading to divorce, my wife says iam a great loving husband in all aspects, but she needs her “space”…through all this, ive spent hours talking to Denise and we are meeting in a few weeks (shes 100’s of miles away)we have talked about getting back together, we are like 2 high school kids now (both early 40’s)and much smarter than before…i still love her dearly, always did, and she feels the same…

  46. Susan Says:

    Hi,
    I married my high school sweetheart at 18. We had two children and divorced after 12 years of marriage.
    There was such passion in both fighting and loving. We divorced after repeated cheating on his part despite counseling…. It feels like getting married young is just not too smart.
    We have been divorced for 4 1/2 years.
    We kept open a friendship, we live in the same town and share custody of the kids.
    I am incredibly successful, am told I am beautiful, and do not “need” my ex for anything.
    I remarried 4 years ago and had 2 more children.

    My current husband is amazing, kind, handsome, peaceful and very giving in the bedroom.

    There is just something that happens sometimes to couples. I believe that for some people you fall in love and no matter what you do, or who you marry or who you sleep with…there may be that one person with whom you cannot move on from.

    My oldest child with my ex said the he doesn’t know what’s worse..having divorced parents who hate each other or divorced parents that love each other.

    I deeply love my ex. It is a battle and constant struggle to stay faithful. I do not love him for any particular reason. I just do. It has nothing to do with status in life, money, success, how many children you have between the two of you or how wonderful your new partner may be.

    I dream of a day when I may be able to be with him again. We have talked, we are both sorry for many things. I will not divorce my current husband, I will not ever tell him and I will shelter my current husband from ever having pain associated with my shortcomings.

    So for now I do believe because there are other children involved and because of the decisions I have made in the interim; I made my bed and I will miss him and long for him indefinately…..

  47. ed Says:

    I’ve tried for the past two to let my ex Gloria live her live and me mine. I want to tell the world like i told her a month ago. I still love her and want her back in my life. We found out that we never had to get divorced if it were not a simple lack of comuication. The stupid thing was that we each cared so much for the other that at that time we thought to let the other go would make the other happy. Two years apart and lots of growth ,we can now talk openingly and honestly. She’s still not ready for me to come back completly. So we are going to date. It’s better than 28 years ago. Because we’re already in love.

  48. Brittany Says:

    Hi Susan, I completely understand how you are still in love with your 1st love. I too am still in love with my 1st love.

    Do you think it is fair to stay with your husband knowing that deep down inside your heart longs to be with your ex?

  49. Brittany Says:

    Hi Ed, Were you and Gloria together for 28 years and divorced for 2? Are there any children involved?

    At any rate congrats on the decision you guys made to date one and other. I wish you the best of luck.

  50. carol Says:

    That a good question, Brittany :”Do you think it is fair to stay with your husband knowing that deep down inside your heart longs to be with your ex?”

    I had a brief 1-year marriage while I was divorced. I SO much didn’t want to go through a second divorce, but I knew I was being unfair to my second husband to stay in the marriage when I really didn’t want to, and I knew I would never love him the way he wanted me to love him. I finally decided that for my own health and sanity, I had to get a divorce. It was an awful decision to make, but the bigger mistake was marrying the second husband in the first place. RT (my first husband) and I are married again now, and I KNOW it will be for the rest of our lives. However, we didn’t remarry as soon as I divorced my second husband. We went through over two years (after my second divorce) and lots of counseling before we remarried.

    Relationships are complicated, and there are no easy answers, and there are certainly no blanket rules on how to navigate the issues.

  51. Brittany Says:

    Carol, I really thought that I was moving on. I got married again and had another CHILD and she is such a blessing, but in hindsight, I really knew that it was kind of a rebound type thing.

    I was constantly comparing things in my head as far as the ex and ex number two are concerned. I even felt guilty when I became pregant becuase my ex, who was with someone else at the time revealed to me and some other family menmbers how hurt he was to see me married and pregnant with someone elses child.

    I divorced the 2nd husband and he was crushed, but I just want what is best for him. I feel that he can find someone that can give him all that they have to offer without any reservations.

    I also feel guilty because now my baby girl has separated parents, but the therapist said it is better that she have 2 separate parents in different households, than two miserable parents under one roof.

    My ex husband and I would really love to rekindle our romance and try it again, but we are I guess both a little afraid to venture there. We have talked and seen each other a lot over the past nine months, but NO sex. We will save that for the wedding night(I hope)!

    Then we also have my little girl to throw in the mix. Has anyone successfully reconciled when there are other children involved?

  52. Heather Says:

    This thread has been going on forever! I was so glad to see that there were some recent posts.
    I married my husband in 1999 after only being together for a year. Within a year, I had had a miscarriage and then a set of twins. 9 months later, we found out one twin had a serious medical issue and went though years of treatment. Thankfully, I was able to be a stay-at-home mom, and although I had planned to try this all along, I was suddenly ‘stuck’ without another option as my son had various therapies daily. Once the twins were 2 and the worst seemed to be past us, I was pregnant again went back to work part time to save my sanity. I then had an infant exactly 3 years after the twins. My husband worked long days and I was often the one to wake up with the kids and also to put them to bed. He and I rarely connected physically (3 small children!!) and I felt as though I had nothing for myself and was struggling to find something that would give me some happiness, so I went back to work full time, hoping that this would get me out of my depression.
    Within a week, was sucked in by a lying, manipulative man that I eventually had an affair with and married. I was married to him for about 2 years (filing for divorce twice). While this was happening in my personal life, my kids were excelling and my career had taken off. I have been divorced from #2 now for only a few days but have been separated for several months, and several more months before that I saved money and planned to leave him. Throughout this brief marriage, #1 has been my friend and my partner in raising our children and has never passed judgment on me for my mistakes. He is actually the one who has encouraged my professional growth and has been emotional supportive in every way. I am not sure what is happening right now between us but we have been spending time together with the kids and he has been helping me around my house. He was married before me and was divorced from that wife (a very similar situation actually – she left him) and was in the process of getting back together with her when she suddenly died. I know his capacity for forgiveness is great. As for me, I feel like I have grown up in these last almost 4 years and that I have that something for myself that had been missing before. I finally feel like I could give something back now, and have a more realistic view of relationship that I don’t think I had before. My friends say to keep moving forward, but I feel like I let #1 down, didn’t keep my promises, and now understand what it takes and could do it. He is my best friend and one of the people I trust more than anyone in this world. I am just a bit more of a realist now and know that failing the second time around might leave our relationship forever changed and could really hurt the kids, who are still too young to understand. I am taking it one day at a time, which is really all that we can do in life anyway. Thanks for reading.

  53. carol Says:

    Hi Heather – thanks for joining in the discussion. RT and I had a lot to work through – and a lot of forgiving to do – before we were able to get back together. We’ve been remarried for a year and a half now – and we’re very happy. I know it is a permanent thing. Things aren’t perfect. However, our years apart made us more realistic about life and about our expectations. And life is better than ever. I tell you that so you will know that if your ex and you truly love each other and are willing to do the work necessary to make a remarriage work, then it CAN happen. RT and I had some VERY negative communication patterns, and we had built up a lot of animosity and resentment to each other. It took 9+ years of divorce and a couple years of dating again to work our way back to each other.

  54. Heather Says:

    Thank you so much for that. I know that some of the habits that he and I had formed over the years would have to be broken, some of which do still rear their ugly heads from time to time. Over all, I do think that he and I could do it if the desire is there. I am so happy to know that there are couples like you and RT. It really gives me hope. Thank you again!

  55. Susan Says:

    Hi Carol,

    Thank you for your response. I told my ex husband how I felt before he remarried. (remarried 5 weeks after our divorce was final, applied for marriage license 4 days after divorce was final) They will be married 3 years this Sept. I do respect his marriage, we primarily communicate through email and if he emails me from his work I will always respond to his work email but will also CC his home email so his wife knows we are communicating. We communicate on what needs to be done with the kids who needs to pick up
    who’s sick etc. We only phone if there is an emergency of some sort that requires a response ASAP. Flat tire can you get the kids from school, etc.

    He did confide in a mutal friend right before his remarriage that he hoped he was doing the right thing. She then told me and said he hasn’t gotten over the divorce and this is a rebound marriage. They have had trouble and been in and out of counseling from the start of their marriage, but they do seem to be doing well now.

    I guess I am just not ready to date or start another relationship but maybe time will help, but until then I do have to honest with myself about how I still feel about my exhusband.

    Thanks for your advise and this forum.

    Suasn

  56. carol Says:

    Susan, you seem to be handling things wisely. Things get really confusing with exes and new spouses and visitation…

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  58. Jill Says:

    What a relief to know I’m not the only one thinking of reconciling with a former spouse. I left my husband after 5 years of marriage due to his alcoholism. It’s a disease that only he could fix and evidently one he had been battling for over 15 years (yes…he hid it well for a while…so did his enabling family). We’ve been apart for a little over a year. He is now sober and wants to see if we can work things out. I’m considering it since his drinking was the main problem in the relationship (not the lack of love). I left him because he wouldn’t seek help and became abusive during drinking spells. He was great when he wasn’t drinking,but for my own sanity/safety I couldn’t continue to be around when he was drunk. It was too hard to watch someone you love behave so irrationally. He ended up with serious medical issues that demanded he quit. I’m not sure if we will remarry…but who knows. Right now it’s one cautious step at a time. Am I crazy for getting back together with him? Perhaps, but I am willing to take that risk. Good luck to all!

  59. carol Says:

    TMS: Very smart – “One cautious step at a time.” Do that, and you’ll be okay.

  60. Alex Says:

    Carol,

    I enjoyed reading your story of divorce and remarraige. I rejoice in your great “second blessing”. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We have enjoyed many great times but have also struggled with great financial irresponsibility, family conflicts, and sex addiction. In January of this year she discovered that I had been looking at on line pornography for the last 3 years. This was a relapse after 9 years of being clean. The truth is that I never followed through on counseling to the point of taking this out of my life completely and so I slowly crumbled as times got tough over the last few years which included the demise of our business. That and the fact that although I was a believer and grew up in church, I had never truly learned to surrender full control to Christ and allow his love to embrace me. Thanks to Him, a great therapist, and some very supportive mentors and friends, I am on a road to recovery that is remarkable and exciting. I have never been so full of hope, determination, confidence, and self worth.

    Regrettably, about 5 weeks after the discovery of what I was doing in the dark, my wife decided she was fed up, didn’t love me anymore as a man (but we “will always be friends”), could not stand the violation of trust again, could not find the feeling she had found on other occasions to work through this and so she wanted a divorce. A few weeks later as I tried to convince her that I was serious about change this time, she asked me to move out. We are presently working on filing the divorce and settling a huge debt. Within six weeks after that, my wife has gone from being a Godly woman involved in church youth and mission ministries to joining internet dating services, meeting guys on line and dating them. I tell you it really hurts.I believe I now realize what pain she must have felt from my addiction and repeated offenses. She stopped attending church weeks ago. I don’t want to confront her.My counselor has told me not to bring this up at all. He believes that our present marraige has to die completely to ever be “reborn”. This is scary, but your story has inspired and encouraged me to remain true to my personal growth as this will be necessary in any case…..of course I hope I do get to remarry my soulmate. I will always love her no matter what. It’s so hard to believe what we have come to after being so close and so much in love. I know that she still loves me but can not be my wife any more (as she says) because she is so hurt and can’t trust or respect me. I’m hopeful that with time and God’s redemptive power hearts will be healed and feel that love again and be open to working it out. I know we could be so happy!

    Anyhow, I saw you were trying to put together something on this divorce and remarry your ex phenomenon and thought I would let you know my story so far. Hopefully it will end up like yours. Congratulations to both of you and many happy returns!

    God bless,

    Alex

  61. carol Says:

    Thanks, Alex, for commenting and sharing your story. First I have to say that I see no problem or moral issue with using online dating services. I’ve been there and done that – and there are some nice folks on those services. Of course one must sift through a bunch of kooks in order to find the good ones. And if the church is one that the two of you attended together, she might very well not be attending because of that – the memories there – or possibly because she feels guilty for ending the marriage. I don’t know – I’m just guessing based on what you wrote, what others have shared with me and what I’ve experienced myself.I understand about the need for the present marriage to “die completely to ever be ‘reborn.” That’s essentially what happened with my husband and me. The risk, of course, is that the “death” might be permanent. I know one thing for sure, though. If one person in a marriage is definite about the relationship being over . . . then it’s over. It takes both folks committed to making it work. Good luck to you. When you wrote “I’m hopeful that with time and God’s redemptive power hearts will be healed and feel that love again and be open to working it out” you are thinking in the right direction. However, my advice is to move on – get involved in an active singles group at your church – or another church, or get involved in other worthwhile activities. Prove to your wife – through your actions and words – that she can trust and respect you again. Getting back together is a long shot. It MIGHT work out, but it probably won’t. You can hold that hope in your heart, but don’t let it stop you from getting back into life and living your life to the fullest.

  62. franky Says:

    After 20 years, 19 years married, my divorce was finalized this past week. it was love at first sight for us and we were glowing to each other when we met and for many years after. we eloped and got married a second time a year later for christian reasons through the church to appease the families and our convictions. the first 10 years were pretty wonderful. aside from a 4-5 month confusing and minimally physical affair on my part we enjoyed these times much. we waited and planned our first child after several years as i pursued my career and she followed her career in compliment to mine. when our child was one year old, her parents decided they would not be as supportive as grandparents as we had thought and they sort of disowned her and her grandmother followed suit and disowned her with italian guilt and shame accusing her of hurting her mother. at this same time she began seriously disrespecting my decision to try and start my own corporation by berating my computer and internet activity including telling me both were dumb and stupid. i raised over 100k to develop a children educational project but ultimately failed. nevertheless, these times were fun and we really enjoyed our love and attraction to each other and had never lost the in love feeling even many years into our marriage. however, this would begin to change as shortly after our child was born we began having adult fun by allowing a third female party into our bed about a dozen times over the course of several years. HUGE mistake. as well, we both came from domestic violent homes and although there were only a couple small minor incidents the first decade, the verbal and pschological abuse that grew the second decade got really ugly. we would fight over every thing from my addiction to sexual play, lack of finances (college cost us 100k)to lack of family support (we literally had no one to help with our child and had little time to ourselves), to increasing verbal and psychological abuse between each other. eventually i told her to get her own career and her own dreams and she did just that and enrolled into college. my career tumbled and my corporation tanked but at least i tried. now however, she became a full fledged bartender and hardcore nursing student. 4 years, no summers off, bartending 3 nights a week and me at home with the kids, depressed and playing video games and porn surfing to pass time until she eventually graduated. we spoke of how we would move back home and spend quality counseling time and therapy time when she graduated and repair our addictions since we would have access to healthcare. we did try local counseling with two different therapists but one told us to break apart immediately and the other was touching my wifes foot under the table with his. this really sent us away from the local help. all through this time we still maintained some good family times and we still loved each other much. later she revealed she had been unhappy for some time but mostly i think to change her history to support what eventually would be her departure.( at one point she actually tried to talk my daughter into moving in with her high school beau).this january i finally became part of something great that inspired me to believe in myself and be a better man for me and my family but it required me to leave town for a couple weeks right at the end of her nursing program when she needed me most. like an idiot i left and she was alone with my crazy 2 year old and my daughter. anothe HUGE mistake. and after 4 years of college with no summers off, a child born including breastfeeding for 2 years and only 1 vacation where she weaned AND we took an old “playfriend” (another HUGE mistake) soon it became clear when i left for my inspirational campaigning, she made a decision to call her high school sweetheart and from that day forward has given her confidence and trust to him. she apologized much and said she always believed we would be old together but she had feelings for this guy and needed to know why. then this past couple months she got super angry to gain space and get divorced. i suggested we continue on our path to get professional help but she was done at this time. i love her too much to deny that as i want her to be happy so i did not conflict with her and gave her one of the fastest divorces around. attorneys said we must be good friends to come to such fair terms so fast and amicably. we share 50/50 custody of our 11 year old daughter and my 3 yr old. we are beginning fresh but without each other. we live 5 miles apart and she is living with her parents who finally respect me since i got their daughter through nursing school but are loyal to their daughter who they have never supported until now, not even when she was younger. i am still in love with her and she still shows signs she still has feelings for me and denies them. in the words of my daughter, “she is doing everything she can to NOT fall back in love with you”. but right now she still needs to pass her boards, start 12 weeks training in cardiac transplant and is very excited to begin a new relationship with her high school beau. oh did i mention she bought a new truck and her and beau’s 20 yr reunion is this august? simply put i think we burned each other out. she has not wanted anything to do with counseling or therapy and just wants a fresh start. she says if its meant to be with us it will be but at this time she is needing space from me. i am eager to enjoy this time to work my own issues out and to be a strong and good parent. i have no idea what lies ahead but deep in my heart we both have always considered oursleves to be each other’s ‘true love’ even as we divorced. it seems her first love from high school, who ironically, his 17 year wife died, after 3 yr bone marrow struggle, 8 months ago, is her focus now and they plan to have a relationship to what extent i do not know. i am eager to know, with midlife crisis, a pile of past addictions, and domestic violence tendencies ( we never beat each other up but we sure looked like an old italian movie where we scream, claw and spit and then kiss and love at days end) is this really salvageable? our love has and is very strong but currently is put to the side due to extenuating circumstances and the need for space. she recently told my daughter she will always love me and not just as the father of her children. she still shows signs and gets angry when i misstep with my words or my intentions. she still asks and wants to know my every move with work, life and activity but does not want me to bug her and let her do what she wants. all from her parents home who i have tried to get her to talk with for over a decade and now she does to move in and claim abuse by me so they will pay for the divorce. her father, who is a closet fan of mine actually ended up paying for the divorce. she told her parents she was done and there was too much abuse and they supported her 100% finally. and with her graduation they stated their unconditional love for her and her kids and for anything she wanted to do. once again finally! so here i live, getting insurance to start my therapy, restart my career, and my life. after reading everyone’s story, how can i NOT believe we will reconcile? what else can i do? many want me to date others but i feel like my story, despite the paperwork is still ‘live’ or is it temporarily dead? i dont much feel like getting involved with anyone, maybe a fun date here and there but i am content to focus my life on my myself and my kids and see what happens. am i doing the right things here and can i do more? i believe true love will prevail over a midlife crisis and first love. sorry so long

  63. Ryann Says:

    Haven’t even been divorced a year yet, but my ex and I are seeing each other often and still love each other. Our marriage had many downs one after another. He was working 70 hours a week, I suffered from an eating disorder,we lost a child and all of that was devastating to our relationship. We didn’t spend any time together as a couple. We saw a marriage counselor during marriage to try to open up communication, but the therapists were terrible! We gave up our search, then we lost our first child. We never did get counseling after that and now I am looking back with regret. Why didn’t I fight harder for our marriage? We currently talk about reconciling, and he wants me to move back home, but I am so anxious about our families accepting it. It fills me with dread to think that I put my family (parents) through a divorce only to turn around and reconcile. I am getting therapy but wondered if we should be seeing someone together? Any comments would be helpful. We were only married two years…..

  64. Barbara Says:

    I am so glad to have found this site. I dated my ex for 6 years before we married. After 37 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Why? I know the final reason was his two affairs. It was a devastating decision to make. I still am not certain it was the right thing to do. I had tried to get him to go to counseling…he always had to work late. And I told him he had to give up his girlfriend but he wouldn’t. He really didn’t think I would ever file for divorce. I didn’t either. The divorce was final one year ago. It was a nasty divorce that took over a year to complete. He was very angry at me for filing. Now we are talking more than we had for years. He says he is sorry and is not living with the “lady” anymore. He says he wants to go to counseling and work at getting back together. I have dated and met several nice men but even though they want to continue with a serious relationship, I just don’t feel the commitment that I should. It is exhausting to try to decide what to do. We have 3 wonderful children….all grown of course…who say they just want me to be happy. But they have seen how unhappy both of us were at times. Can I ever trust my ex again? Will he ever trust me again not to leave him? Do I want to let him back in my life for what would certainly be the last chapter of my life? While I of course remember many good things about our marriage, how does one forget the hurt and deceit that occurred? Looking back before I made the decision to file, I remember the encouragement I received from friends and lawyers to file. Someone needs to start a business called “Before You File” to give people all the avenues to explore before you make that life changing decision to divorce. So, long story short, can re-marrying your ex really work?

  65. carly Says:

    I have a similar situation and don’t know how to move forward. I am now 40 years old and I was in love with a man, Chris 10 years ago, we were engaged to be married and everything was going good. We were perfect for each other and very much in love. I “accidently” got pregnant before we were married and thought that it would strengthen our relationship and secure our relationship. I was foolish to think this, I know now, and insecure to not believe that my fiance loved me. He loved me and always did. Chris was not happy to expect a child because it didn’t fit into our plans at the time and felt a lot of resentment toward me. Our relationship broke up, we never married and then our baby boy was born we tried living together and making it work because of the baby. It didn’t. He was still very angry inside and tried to make it work but not with his whole heart. I was focused on the baby and became angry toward him for not playing the role I wanted. We stopped trying after about a year and went our separate ways. I married a man about 3 years ago, an old friend, John, who makes a good father to my 8 year old son, has money and does everything like he is supposed to. John is younger then me and and the love I have is companionship and appreciation for taking care of me and my son. I found out I can’t have any more kids. I also know that I cannot give John any children, which I know bothers him but he doesn’t say anything. The only child I will ever have is the one with Chris. I still wish it would have worked out for Chris and me because i still do love him. I don’t regret my son, but understand how having him came between us at the time. Chris is hurt because of what he thinks I did to him and I have been hurt because he hasn’t acted the way I want for the past 8 years. I wish we didn’t hold our grudges. I wish we could forgive and move past what happened and reunite as a family. I understand that he may never be the father I wanted him to be, but I know now that it isn’t important to look like the TV picture family I always wanted. I want us to be a family in our own way. That is best for my son, to have be with his real father. I know in the long run John will be happier leading life with someone else. John will be okay. Am I dumb to give up my secure life. It scares me to think about it because it is a risk. If it works out it is worth it. I know Chris has feelings but will never show them because it is hard to just drop things and move on. I know he misses being a dad to our son and doesn’t feel like he fits in. He loves me too, always has. We have had strong feelings for each other all along. He is not a bad person but we faced some life situations that worked against us. I have been thinking about this for a very long time. What can I do to make it work?

  66. Diane Says:

    Carly, you can do it! At least you know how you feel and what you want, the job is to try and get it done. I bet you look back and see that you probably could have worked it out with Chris, but at the time it seemed hard. It sounds like you married John because you wanted to your life to finally come together, I did something very similar because I wanted to be married and stop living in limbo, I was tired of being a single mom. It didn’t work out for me and my “John” and I am happy to report that after some hard work it is wonderful with my “Chris”. The main reason I bit the bullet and gave 110% to make it work with my “Chris” was because of our son. Except for a violent spouse, I don’t know of any child that doesn’t wish, more then anything, that his/her biological parents get back together. Even adult children of divorced parents wish that there parents could have worked on staying together. I have divorced parents too, and if there was even a little chance that my parents get back together with by working on it, I would have given up everything else. Our children can see how important it is to reunite and would give up comforts and security for being a family. They are willing to forgive and forget. They are able to work hard. They see the long run benefits of it. I don’t know why it is hard for us to see that too. How smart our children are. When my 10 year old son pleaded to me that he would prefer a unperfect life with thier biological parents to a perfect life with his step mother and father, I saw how right he was for making that choice. I thought how I wanted that for my own parents. So I say, go for it! It will be hard to let go of John and your current life. And, it will be hard to work with Chris to make this work. I think it will work out if you give it a try, it is the best thing you can do for your son.

  67. Steve Says:

    This is the best site. I am going through reconnecting with my ex, Rebecca. It is going well.

    Carly,
    I agree with Diane, go for it! You did ask how to make it work, and I can give you an idea of what Rebecca and I did (to be honest, the heavy lifting has been done by Rebecca becuase she made the effort first). Rebecca and I have a similar story to you and Diane and we ended our marriage and both remarried since. We had two children and both of our spouses are wonderful with our kids. It was easier for our spouses when our kids were young, but as they got older (10+) their priorities began to change. It was more important to be with both biological parents then to have step parent coach soccer and spend holidays with. I guess what I’m trying to say, Carly, is that don’t worry about your son he is guaranteed to support you getting back together with his biological father. The stronger your relationship with Chris, the stronger your sons relationship with Chris. If your relationship with John is stronger then you should know that your son will have a stronger relationship with John. Like Diane said, adults are more stubborn and selfish then kids are and so it will be hard road but one that takes you to a good place. Rebecca and I we very happy pre-marriage and before the kids arrived marriage. If the relationship worked once, it is POSSIBLE for it to work again. So here is how Rebecca approached this (she sits by me as I write this) and it worked. Rebecca blinded me with kindness, forgiveness and goodness. At first I thought she was trying to interfere in my marriage but she kept at it, she made the 1st move, the 2nd move and the 10th move. I soon saw that she was just making me see that we can be friends, because we once were. Our relationship wasn’t always based on our children, our conflict, or our separation, it was at one point just about me and Rebecca. She just worked on building a relationship with me. It had nothing to do with our kids, our spouses or our families. It was just her and I grabbing lunch, coffee, and drinks talking and realizing that we both are good people and that we have things in common outside of being divorced parents. There was no blame, no “we have to do this for the kids”. She took me back to feeling the we were when we first met. And eventually I saw that I could have a good friendship with her. That is the foundation that will make this whole thing easy on you and your kids. We took some time away from our then-current spouses and saw that we had romance too (that part was easy,). Since we had not had any more children with our then-current spouses, divorce was not so ugly. The kids were very happy. And Rebecca and I stopped blaming each other for the hurt, and have started over without expectations. We are very happy and wish the same for you and Chris.
    God Bless,
    Steve & Rebecca

  68. Allen Says:

    Glad to have found this site. My ex and I broke up 5 years ago and since then she has remarried. I don’t think they are right for each other and think that her current husband is abusive toward her. We have some mutual friends and have heard stories of his behavior. I care for her deeply and regret making the mistakes that broke up our marriage in the first place. I am willing and able to try and make a relationship work with her, but first I have to encourage her to get out of her bad marriage. Even if or when that happens, how do we work out all of the damage that her husband has caused. Is this something that can be addressed in couples therapy or separate. I hope that my admitting my love for her gives her the courage to get out of her current relationship. Any advice out there?

  69. Lori Says:

    Allen- without knowing the details, your ex needs to heal from the abuse and then can probably have a healthy relationship with you.

    I have re-united with my ex (not married yet) but have found that parenting is easier with the biological father/mother together as a family unit. I had remarried and even though the step father was great, parenting was really hard because I felt so much guilt and always tried to work harder for my daughters’ sake. If my daughter was cranky I had to make sure to make her feel better and pay extra attention to her needs. I would see my non-divorced sister with her kids, and if they are cranky she just leaves them alone until they get over it. I know everyone parents different but being back with my daughters’ father, I find I don’t have to worry so much about making life easy on my daughter. And I also find that kids are less needy. It is easier on her, on me and her dad. I agree with an early posting, if there is chance to get back together, try like hell to make it happen. It is a win-win situation for everybody.

  70. Lori Says:

    Carly, I don’t know your entire situation but it looks like 1) you and chris made mistakes and would rather walk then work them out or admit to your faults 2) you tried to mask your mistakes by getting involved with other people 3) you still have deep feelings for each other 4) nothing horrible happened between you that can’t be fixed 5) John should not be married to you, you admitted he would be happier not in this relationship 5) it is selfish, even if it doesn’t work out with chris to keep john just becuase of your needs 6) You want to forgive yourself and Chris 7) Your son happened and it was a blessing since he was the only child you were to have and ironic that it was with Chris who you still have feelings for 8) A secure and comfortable life is no reason to stay with someone, if you don’t leave now for Chris, you will leave someday for someone else. 9) Your son will feel like the luckiest kid on the block to have his parents back together. 10) This will be hard, but not impossible. God will give you strength and patience.

  71. carol Says:

    The best advice I can give is to think long and hard about where you MOST want to be in, say, 3 years. If there were no obstacles to overcome, what do you want your life to be like – and who do you want to be with. Then work to make it happen. Wen I faced my second divorce, I didn’t think I could handle it. I knew how horrible it would be – and embarrassing – to go through that a second time. However, I also knew that looking at the long term, I had to get out of that marriage. And, in retrospect, I did exactly the right thing. The mistake was in getting married to begin with.

    It is very difficult to know what to suggest to someone else – because only YOU know all the details of your situation, and only YOU know how you really feel.

    For me, I am thrilled to be back together with my first husband. Right now we are at the beach with our children and grandchildren – and I feel very complete. You have a history with the person you have children with – and no other relationship can match that.

  72. Tae Says:

    So glad to hear all of the wonderful success stories! I am right in the boat with the rest of you. Ex-husband and I went to high school together and married 7 years after we graduated. Was married for 7 1/2 years together for a total of 13 years. Had 2 sons. Ex cheated and would not end the relationship for months, so I divorced him. Remarried a guy 2 years later and moved with our children out of state. Being a blended family was very hard. Often times didn’t feel like my new spouse cared enough for the boys. So I always felt the need to “protect” them from him and often times be Mommy and Daddy. I struggled with the move and my ex was devastated at not seeing his sons on a regular basis. With problems in my new marriage and having so much invested in my first one, I decided to move me and the boys back. My ex has been great! Very helpful. Completed sexual addition recovery while we were divorced. Did a lot of reflecting. We have decided to reunite and be the family that the 4 of us miss. I have filed for a divorce and have shopped for a home with my ex. He’s renewing his lease of 6 months and we’ll decide if we’re ready to cohabitate. If not, we’ll continue to work on our relationship until we’re ready to live together. The boys are ecstatic…and we are too! Everyone feels so complete and happy when we’re all together. Just the way it should be. Thanks again for all of the success stories. I know that I am doing the right thing…especially for our sons. Good luck and God bless!!

  73. Terry Says:

    My ex-husband and I will be divorced one year this month. We were together 33 years (since I was 12), married for 27. Sadly, he went off the charts last May into a midlife crisis that covered every point that could be imagined, and with only two months of being ‘down’. He filed for divorce a week after moving out, in order to pursue his ‘true love’ and he was finally happy after living in hell for the past 27 years. Our sons, 21 and 20, and myself, were devastated. He did a complete 180 degree turn in personality, and the divorce was nasty. He left with a bang. Suddenly last December he shows up on my doorstep begging for forgiveness. I was treading on eggshells. This February he was diagnosed with rectal-cancer, and besides myself and the boys, he has no one. His ‘true love’ was shipped to another state last November. I have gone with him to every doctor’s appointment, and stayed countless hours at the hospital during this year. In May of this year, the boys and I moved him back into the house so that I could care for him. Now he only has 12 weeks of a second round of radiation to complete and he has been proclaimed Cancer Free. While I know in my heart that I still love him, I never stopped, my sons know this as well, because they kept trying to help me hold it together during the divorce and public humiliation we went through. He wants very badly for me to forgive him and remarry him. He says he’s done, he’s learned his lesson. But how can a man who you have known since he was 14, have turned into the monster he became? He is still unable to give a reason for his actions, only saying he’s sorry and will never stray again, if I will only marry him again. How can I deal with this? I could never go through the pain again, that he put me, and the boys, through. He has alienated my family, and many of our friends, through his actions. Where do I turn?

  74. Monique Says:

    My story is similar in some ways and different in others. I was childhood friends with my ex-husband, hung out as teens but didn’t date, in fact, I didn’t even think about it (he says he had a thing for me early on) until he enlisted in the military and ended up returning for medical reasons. When he returned, we started dating and married eight months later, I was 19, he was 21. He was posted out of state so of course I followed, first time I had been away from my family, I thought it would be a grand adventure. We fought from the beginning…stupid fights over unimportant things, we were too young, shouldn’t have married at that age, I left him 8 months into it and went back home. He left the military 9 months later and settled back in the area. After a brief (maybe a year?) period of staying away from each other (we still weren’t divorced yet), we started communicating again and rediscovered our friendship. By that point, I was involved and pregnant by someone else and he was living with someone else. Fast forward about a couple of years, he had obtained a divorce (amicable, we didn’t even use lawyers), we started dating again (my relationship had ended, he was still living with a girl). He wanted to get married again, I was not ready to try that again, I was enjoying things as they were, he married his girlfriend, I stopped dating him shortly before they married. We lost touch for 15 years. He remarried 3 times and tried to find me, even paying a service unsuccessfully. Finally found me recently and we started talking again and found we still have deep feelings for each other. We are exploring reconciliation, it has been 22 years since we split the first time. We have both grown a lot and laugh about the things we used to fight about. Not sure if it will work but I am sure we will always be close. This seems to be a trait in my family, my parents remarried after 20 years and stayed married till my father’s death.

    Everyones stories give me hope, I would like this to work out if possible:)

  75. ray Says:

    I to am glad that I stumbled accross this. I was also looking for some statistics on the possibility of remarrying your ex-spouse. This is a long one!! I was married a little over 10 years we have 2 beautiful children. During the last several years of our marriage something happened and he changed. He became judgemental of me and others. He was always making negative comments about people and when I would say something he would tell me I was naive. He would take jabs at me also making little comments etc., I felt like I could no longer doing anything the right way in his eyes. We could no longer agree on anything and I was always wrong. He never wanted to do anything together (go out with friends etc) but he didn’t want me doing anything without him (going out with girlfriends). Finally I just withdrew. I loved him but we just functioned that was it. I was seeing a counselor myself because of my unhappiness and having known for a while I had suffered from depression finally took the steps to get on medication, which I had fought against. At first it seemed to work but that didn’t last long. In 2004 I attended a benefit for an old friend of mine and ran into an old boyfriend whom I dated prior to ever meeting my ex or getting married. Well one thing led to another and I did something I didn’t think I would EVER do and that was having an affair. It went on for a few months but the guilt was too much and I decided to leave my husband and pursue a relationship with the person who was single at the time. I moved out got my own place (did not live with anyone else) and we shared joint custody of our children. Time went on and I was still unsure what I wanted. I still loved my husband, worried about my children but the ex was pressuring me to make a choice or file for divorce. I asked for a separation so that I could sort things out, my mind, my heart but either was reconcile or file. I filed and gave him everything(except full custody of my kids)because I felt so much guilt for what I had done to him. In the meantime I am living my life still really unsure whether or not the choice I made was the right choice for me or my family this went on for about a year. Prior to divorcing we tried counseling but he didn’t take it seriously and thought it was a waste of time. We continued on living our separate lives and in November of 2005 the person I left my marriage for and had been dating was seriously injured and was in the hospital for many months and eventually passed away in February 2006. I was devastated on an emotional roller coaster. During this time my ex and I still go along, he would help me with things I needed done at my house we did things as a “family” with our children, celebrated holidays, birthdays and still talked on the phone and he wanted to reconcile but I was in no shape to make any decision at that time. Our divorce was became final during in December of 2005. After the divorce and the death I fell into a very deep deep depression due to side effects of the medication, the death of the person and the loss of my marriage. I began to getting drunk every day just to cope and became suicial. I finally hit “rock bottom” and began to bounce back. My ex and I still spoke, he called me constantly if I would go out on a date with someone he always had something to say about it, I did the laundry for my kids and made sure they had clean and ironed clothes for school when they were with their dad. I would stay at his house to watch the dog when he was out of town. He remained single no girlfriend etc. One day I noticed the phone calls stopped and he began acting funny. It was then that I “knew” I just “knew” he met someone else and I was devestated. Of course I was jealous did a 180 and wanted to get back together immediately, he was now the one telling me he wasn’t sure, we should take baby steps to rebuild our relationship etc. Because he had found someone else, who happened to move in across the street from him. So I was no longer allowed to go to his house (our house) as before etc. I begged, I pleaded, I cried but nothing worked. I finally went on with my life still hoping that someday it would work out, this was July of 2006. They dated until July of 2007 and I meet someone in January of 2007. The ex’s new girlfriend moved in with him in July of 2007 (my hold house I was quite bitter) and I was still dating the same person. His girlfriend lived moved in with him and from the beginning my children started complaing about her, she was mean, she would say this she would say that. She was selfish and spoiled and always had to have it her way. I would confront the ex about this but of course he always stuck up for his girlfriend and told me to mind my own business. It was my business they were my kids. I continued dating the same person and he lived me with for a bit but he had not been married and had no children and was just a little to harsh with the tongue as far as my kids so that was nipped in the bud and he moved out but we continue to date. In July of 2008 I get a phone call from the ex that the girlfriend is moving out of course I am ecstatic because I think now after all of this time there is still a chance for us (I had been praying daily for this). But not to be, he wouldn’t tell me why she moved, at first it was the best thing for the kids, then it was the best thing for him. I asked him of they were still dating what was the status of their relationship, he tells me none of my business. It is now September 17 and up until a few weeks ago I was still trying to find out the “status” of their relationship, she is out, bought her own house but they still see each other. But of course when I ask it is none of my business. I told him not to long ago the reason I ask is because I still love him, his response was “I know”. I know and assume that he knows how I feel about him and that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Unfortunately you do not realize what you have until it is gone. I continue to date the same person, although he wants to get married and I want NO part of marriage at least not now. I am still holding on to hope that my ex and I will someday be able to work things out. We have been getting along better, I stopped asking questions about his life and taking “jabs”. We do not hang out or anything but we do get along when we have to talk about the kids etc. Next week my oldest has something at school that we will be attending together, I worry because he always acts uncomfortable around me. I do not get it. Maybe he feels that way because he knows how I feel about him. I have had a few people tell me that I should tell him how I feel about him but I think he knows. I just think that he is still hurting and bitter (which I understand) and I am afraid to open myself up for fear of rejection and that he might tell his “girlfriend” that I professed my love for him and I will feel like a fool. The girlfriends kid and mine go to the same school so periodically I see her. I know that I am not alone in my feelings and do feel much better since I have gotten it out. Thanks for reading my loooong message!!! Take care and good luck to you all.

  76. A J Soch Says:

    I married a girl when I was 27 she was 20 we were dating for 18 months saw each other almost daily I divorced her 1 1/2 yrs later. She wants me back I love her soo much but I told her that all the issues we had must be solved I’m willing to fix my many mistakes she says so is she but she has a bad track record we seperated 4 times b/4 we got the big D and she kept promising change never happened and if I marry agian its for life I told her what can I do to make sure she wont go back to her bad ways?? If Gosh forbid I divorce her twice noone whould marry me agian. Its’ much more complex obviously but any suggestions? TY,AJ

  77. Carol Says:

    Find a good counselor, and make sure you are confident about yourself before you even consider getting married again. Then get into couples counseling with your ex before remarrying. It isn’t an easy road, although the joys and satisfaction of being back together is wonderful – IF you do it right. Old and often negative patterns of behavior are difficult to overcome. I am so thankful that RT and I got a second chance, and I’m so thankful that it has worked out so well for us. But I must stress – it’s not easy and it’s a long-term commitment – and most of all, it involves looking at the person and relationship differently. Good luck.

  78. DT Says:

    I am remarrying my ex-husband in February…and I can’t wait. We married at 19 years of age due to circumstance, not by choice. We were married 23 years and took care of all our “familial” responsibilities. When kids left, we looked at each other and THOUGHT we wanted different things.

    We separated and divorced, never losing the love and respect we always had for each other. We continued to do family holidays and major events together (kids weddings, graduation, grandchildren, etc.).

    Individually, we did the “things” we both always wanted to do. Most importantly, we have knowledge of WHO WE ARE without the other.

    Now, we want to be together. We both have new experiences to share. Places and things we couldn’t find together, but now can share.

    We were divorced for 4 years. Neither one of us remarried. Each of us only had one other serious relationship…but, both of those are over.

    What is different this time is that we fell in love naturally. We didn’t “have” to get married. We want to!

  79. Craig B Says:

    I don’t know about the others views about remarrying an ex-spouse, But I successfully did it.See I Miss Groovy Berkeley http://reno.broowaha.com/article.php?id=2665 and The Poet Robert Frost http://reno.broowaha.com/article.php?id=2853. Then there’s my wife’s doctor and his view. One of my wife’s doctors complained to me that my wife doesn’t always follow his orders let alone advice. He then asked me what was the best advice I ever got. I answered, “To marry the girl I did.” The doctor then asked me who gave me that advice. I, with a perfectly straight face, replied, “My wife.” My wife’s doctor laughed and said, “Your wife gives me as much advice as I give her.” I asked, “Do you follow it?” He looked at me more than a bit sheepishly, then shrugged and said, “The biggest mistake I ever made was divorcing my wife as now I know she was loving me and I was just misunderstanding her. Since I realized that, I find I listen to and now follow the advice of any woman more than I used to. Trying to make up for what I did to that wife. She fought fair and she fought dirty to save our marriage and I just abandoned her when she needed me most. I’ve remarried. I say I’m happy. I say I love my current wife. But that former wife is really the woman I am in love with.”

  80. Wendy Says:

    I’m delighted to see the true re-marraige stories. (kinda disappointed to see the long ramblings off the subject)
    It appears the pattern is with couples who were married for many years splitting up and getting back together.

  81. Lisa Says:

    I’ve read these remarriage stories with fascination.

    Was married for 11.5 years, I thought, successfully, and he’d reproposed to me on our 10th and asked for 40 more years together. We were a solid couple and even finished each others’ sentences. Then he met a “special male friend,” started a midlife crisis (sports car, fired from jobs, verbally abusive) and did a 180 on me in our last year together.

    We split in 2003 and divorced in 2004. He found/dated/moved in with a woman while we were still married, and five years later they married this year.

    During the separation and D he was grotesquely narcissistic and committed white collar crimes against me, and ever since has taken me back to quarterly mediation threatening to go for full custody of our now-11 year old daughter. My ex’s family is also narcissistic and I know supported his divorcing me.

    He’s a well-paid tech guy who pays no marital support due to planned unemployment, volunteered his “past” history of homosexual activity, and has been a recreational drug user.

    My problem is that, in these ensuing years, I’ve dated guys who made my ex look like a prince, and I’m trying to figure out if what I’m remembering of him is just a mask. I’ve met nobody who’s come even remotely close to how he treated me during our good times. I’ve told our d that I don’t plan to marry again, and that I’m satisfied with having given my best affection for those years.

    But so many friends have wondered why he’s obsessed over me, tried to control me, tried to stay in unwanted contact — if he still loved me or if it was just power and control he’s wanted. We share 50:50 custody and, at my insistence, are in modified no contact. We’ve NEVER, EVER, had a post-mortem talk about our marriage, what happened, or anything.

    I’ve heard stories of his fights with his new wife — heard outside their house — which was NEVER the dynamic of our relationship. I’ve wondered if he does, in fact, have a “secret” life and he hasn’t told her about it either — his secrets are easy to hide as he travels the world 50% of the time.

    I’ve fantasized about our reuniting eventually, when his godawful mother finally dies. I recognize the likelhood is either near zero, or should be near zero. But I also know that his behavior toward me put me on a path of learning about myself and people that has changed me forever, matured me, made me more certain of who I am than ever before. And I remember when things between us were great, just as I do that last year when he was so awful to me. Our daughter has told me that her dad knows he’s been hurting me, that he talks about me with sadness, and even friends have described him as a “lonely man”.

    It’s an amazing thing beyond imagining for me to know in my heart that I’ll always love the man I thought I knew, but can not love the man he’s become. I wonder if I’ll ever know which one of them is real. The man I knew had a sweetness and gentleness about him which has been replaced with something cold and hard.

    I’m living in the real world, focusing on my daughter, my business and growing into a better me, but in private my heart still aches for all that’s been lost.

    Thank you for sharing such heartfelt stories of courage. For so long I believed I could never take him back for his indiscretions. Now I see so much farther than that and wonder if I could have done more to save a marriage that he, and his, obviously wanted to have ended.

    Life takes us on paths that twist and turn, and who knows what the future may bring.

  82. Dan Says:

    My x wife and I were married for 24 years. We have 3 children, 2 in college and one 11 year old boy. My x woke up one morning and just said I don’t think that I love you anymore. It took 2 years to get divorced, which I didn’t and still do not want. It was hard and nasty. My x’s family and I never got along well. Her parents are very overbearing and controlling. I had anger issues because I never dealt with a childhood trama. I have been in therapy for 2 years and I have work out my issues. I still love my x very much. The kids still hope that we will get back together but it just seems like my x has moved on. Neither of us are dating. In my therapy, I have learned that my x and I never communicated well. We never were able to tell each other what we wanted out of our relationship. I wish that I never would have agreed to the divorce and I hope and pray that, someday, we will be able to find one another again.

  83. carol Says:

    Good luck to you, Dan. Few folks remarry after divorcing, but I’m proof that it CAN happen and it CAN be successful.

  84. patricia Says:

    Wow-lots of stories here. Mine is somewhat different in that I married my ex when he was 63 and I was 56. I had been divorced for 13 yrs. and my sons were grown. We only kknew each other a few months when he urged marriage adn I was so caught up, I said yes. I knew little about him except what he told me. I hadn’t yet met his daughter who lived in the area. A few months after our marriage his drinking increased from a drink or two before dinner to constant-he quit his job and collected soscial security. Well, everything erupted 4 1/2 yrs. after the marriage and he went into detox–a real basket case, and in fear of losing everything, I divorced him. (When we married he had no car, no home; just a little apt.) Anyway, I have always felt very guilty abjout it-haven’t even told my coworkers and it’s been about 9 months. He actually got better and moved into an apt. We saw each other very regularly and then he moved back in in Sept.–unfortunately, my oldest, 43, and youngest 30, sons had both moved in with me, too. Neither one is working-around the house all day. So about 2 weeks after my ex moving back in, he began drinking, and I booted him out. It’s been a month and he quit right after he left (drinking, I mean) and realizes his health will not allow that anymore, and really wants to stay sober. He just cannot live in the situation I am in now (I can barely handle it myself, but I work full-time and every other weekend). I find myself worrying about him and now we are beginnig to see other again, but even he says we must go very slowly. I talked with his son at Christmas (lives out of state), and he said he never heard his dad admit ihe was an alcoholic. Maybe that’s a first good sign. He is 68 now and I am 61. I am very tempted to consider remarriage if he dcan stay sober this time. But there were many rifts with my family (I have 4 grown sons) including my 94 yr. old mother, who can’t stand him. I can’t spend all my time taking care of her and my 2 sons that live with me. If my ex stays sober, he is a wonderful man, and wants to help with household chores, expenses, etc. more than he did in the past. But I’m afraid of repeating the past. I’m getting too old!!!
    There is an organization called Retrouvaille for people who are having marital problems or are already divorced. So that’s something to consider. Any situations like this–older people?
    Patti

  85. Rodney Says:

    I have been divorced for two weeks now. Shefiled back in Sept. 08. I tried finding out why. Well, the biggie was I lost the wedding band. However the first year of my marraige I was living more at my house than hers. I was preparing it for rent. Finances were a big problem. My car kept breaking down and I was a first year teacher. I was taking night class and trying to be there for my new family as well, two boys from a prvious marraige. She seemed to not bne there to help. The first 3 months we were married I was not working and did not qualify for unemployment. She said we would work it out. It took a while after I became a teacher to start helping more financially, but eventually I tried. Well I finally rented the house in June of 08 and she then said I should not rent it, she wanted a divorce. Well I was very busy all summer with classes and she complained I had no time for her. And then I lost the ring. She filed almost immediately after this. I talked to her and wanted to find out what I could do to fix it, and she said do more two improve the house and start giving $. Well I did. $6000 dollars later and a bueatifully remodeled beack room and I thought things were better. She had me sign a 90 day waiver to show I was serious and leave the choice of divorce to her. Christmas break came and all seemed good and all of a sudden everything I did was irritating her she traeted me badly after a really horrible Christmas with friends who were fighting and getting the law involved, I made comment it was the wirst Christmas ever. I was refering the situation not about with her. By New years I was divorced. She basically got the divorce in a day and wanted to relegate me to the streets. I gave her a check before Christmas ….all that i had. It did not clear because I had to give my renters their rent and deposit back to move back to my house. I still want to be with her and want to show that I can support her family. I guess now my question is should I give her 1/2 of my income tax and would this make her see how seious I am about reuniting and ultimately remarring to start fresh.

  86. Barry Says:

    Finally a site that gives me some hope. My ex wife and I were married for four and a half years. We knew eachother for a total of 12 yrs. My divorce became final less than a month ago but we have been seperated for a year and a half. Only now can I really appreciate what I had. I miss my ex wife and our two boys of 10 and 5. I wrote her an apology letter but I’m scared to give it to her because we have very minimum contact. How can I test the waters to see if she is even interested in reading it. I was a real jerk to her. I never cheated but I hurt her never the less. Hopefully one day I can post my success story here. I wish everyone in this situation the best of luck.

  87. Carol Says:

    .
    Currently exploring re-marriage with my former husband. He’s not aware of this yet. I’m not sure how to go about opening diolog about that.

    We were married 23 yrs, now divorced 5 years. I’m now 52, he’s 57. We’ve three kids (16, 19, 22), I was the one who initiated the thought of divorce. He agreed and we proceeded through divorce process form there.

    We both experienced anger and hurt after divorce, yet over past year have been more peaceful with each other.
    I’m seeing now and regret not having more clear “tools” back then to have avoided divorce.

    Through these past years have never stopped loving and caring for him. Just recently, my heart has felt stronger clarity of missing him and who we are to each other in love, compatability, friendship and care to look out for and embrace each other’s heart.

    Have dated lightly since divorce, yet both of us are single, neither of us has lived with or remarried any other.

    We love 30 min. apart, only see each other when our kids’s school events and we get along fine then. Only other contact is on phone where topic is just about life events of the kids.
    On phone recently I brought up courage to ask him “On scale of 1 – 10, how angry are you with me?”. His reply was “I’m not angry at you Carol, I’ve just been deeply hurt at words you’ve said, so I’ve formed a calous around me. I won’t put myself in position to get that hurt again”.

    Not sure how to go about re-kindleing relationship with him. Hopefully I’ll be on this site at future date being one of those who have remarried their former spouse.
    .

  88. Kathy Says:

    Recently my ex-husband found me on Facebook after 10 years of being divorced. We had no contact. We have been dating again for the past month and it has been very surreal. I am now 41 he is 38. Both of us grew up and realized that we still love eachother and we should of never got divorced. Currently, trying to work through the issue of living over 5 hrs apart. Everything else is going well………looking forward to getting remarried some day with God’s blessing.

  89. Lily! Says:

    Hi,
    I WAS LIVING WITH MY INLAWS AND THEIR ONLY SON MY DH FOR THE PAST 4-5 YRS. THANKFULLY WE DID NOT HAVE ANY KIDS. MY MIL WAS A CONTROL FREAK AND PRETTY INSECURE. WHENEVER I ANSWERED HER, MY DH NEVER SUPPORTED ME AND I WAS MISERABLE. I WENT AHEAD AND GOT A DIVORCE SINCE ABT 4 MONTHS. NOW BOTH OF US MISS EACH OTHER. THOUGH HE NEVER WANTED TO GET A SEPARATE HOUSE FOR US, HE ALSO NEVER WANTED THIS DIVORCE. NOW I MISS HIM AND WONDER IF I SHOULD HAVE JUST GONE BACK TO HIM. I AM PRAYING TO GOD EVERYDAY WISHING THAT MY EX SUGGESTS WE MOVE OUT IN A SEPERATE HOUSE AND I MORE THEN WILLING TO GO BACK TO HIM.
    PL PRAY GUYS FOR ME!

  90. Angela Says:

    Is this forum still open? I just recently reconciled with my ex-husband, whom I’ve been seperated a total of 21 yrs but divorced 11 yrs. And I’m struggling with the reality of it, to be honest with you

  91. carol Says:

    This isn’t really a “forum” – just comments on a blog post. I’ve been amazed, though, at the comments. Apparently, it isn’t all that uncommon for a divorced couple to get back together. I’ve been back with Ron now for almost three years – and while there have been struggles, it is working out very well. I know that we’re together for the rest of our lives now. I believe that it was “meant to be” because of some family challenges (our granddaughter being diagnosed with leukemia) it is so much better that we are together and facing these challenges together.

    I’m wondering what the “struggling with the reality of it” is about. It’s hard to forgive/forget the hurts that led to the break-up, and it’s very difficult not to fall back into the old destructive patterns of relating to each other.

  92. Audrey Says:

    Wonderful stories! I have an example of a reconciliation from my own family (my cousin and her husband) and have read about plenty of others.

    Many people have been looking for some statistics. I remember reading/hearing once that 10% of divorced couples reconcile, but am not really sure. I think that more important than statistics are the situations and the people involved. I see that if both partners want to reconcile and are committed to work for the relationship, they can success. If you have loved each other once, the love can be rekindled.

    I hope that one day I will be on this side of the mountain. Right now everything is too fresh, and my ex is seeing someone else. But who knows what the future brings? I can only say what I feel and want today, and know that we both have to grow up and learn from our past mistakes. As for forgiving – it takes time and work, but is possible. I have been able to forgive my ex and we are friendly to each other, but as long as there is a third person concerned, I stay away from him.

  93. antigone Says:

    Can I suggest we do start a forum with so many people looking for a discussion on this subject – this blog comment is great ..and thanks but a forum would indeed be good.
    Please visit
    http://www.remarryingyourex.forumotion.net
    and be patient as I learn the ropes of forums but I too want to talk about the idea of remarrying my ex

  94. Tree Says:

    I have been married for 5 years and my husband came home one day and was very standoffish. I approached him and he said he was unhappy in the marriage. He feels that I have been giving him signs that I do not want to be in this marriage but I do not feel that way at all. He has left now for 5 months and the Divorce is final on Sept. of 09. The few times we have seen each other, he still wares his wedding ring and calls me hun, babe, lovie. We hug and hold hands but he is still moving forward with this. I have hope that God has this in his hands. I do not claim to be the best wife but have worked on the areas that I feel could make a great difference but he refuses conseling or even seeing and talking to me! Any advice I am moving about 7 hours away from him after the divorce is there any hope!

  95. Sue Says:

    It is great see I am not alone… There is some great info here.

    I too would like very much to be with my ex-husband again. We met right after I graduated from highschool and I never could imagine my life without him then. I was 19 when we married and he is the greatest thing to ever happen in my life (next to my kids). He is a great guy. He was never abusive or mean, he was just unable to communicate — or so I thought. I except full responsibility for thinking things would never change and moving on with my life. We divorced in 1995 after 6 plus years of marriage (no children). I was devistated then but still remain hopeful that one day we will be together. I was raised in an abusive background where my dad would get drunk and take it out on my mom and this left many scars because I was the one to step in the middle to make him stop. During my teens, all I ever wanted was my parents’ approval–but never got it (grades, sports, dating, etc.).

    Two years before I met my ex, he had been through alcohol treatment and was and is to this day clean and sober!! One night before we were even engaged, my ex & I went to my folks’ house and my dad was drunk and yelling, etc. My ex left a card from the treatment facility he had gone through on the kitchen table as a “hint” to my dad. This went over like a huge bomb!!! My dad forbid us to see each other and at one point threatened his life. I moved out of my parent’s house and got a place with a classmate and we continued to see each other. We got engaged and were married and my dad wouldn’t come to the wedding. That really hurt. It took some time to get beyond that. At one point my parents finally let both of us back into their lives but I always felt the disapproval towards my ex at family functions.

    Over time, my ex and I began to drift apart due to the lack of communication and the added pressure of my family. We finally decided to divorce and move on. We agreed on the split and never did fight really at any point in the marriage/divorce and have remained friends throughout. I basically moved out and on with life.

    In 1996, I remarried to my current husband with whom I have two beautiful daughters with (11 & 9). The first eight years were fine. We were busy with the kids and busy with our careers. My husband is a good guy and an awesome father but we have talked again and again about us and the spark that has seemed to have died. We have put more effort into being a couple. There has never been the “passion” that my ex and I shared — and I don’t mean the sex. I mean just being in the same room, laughing together, or doing things together. My husband wants to keep trying. I have been in counseling for the past year plus and have moved through the acceptance of my parents but can’t seem to get beyond my ex. I love my daughters so much and can’t bear the thought of splitting our home and turning their lives upside-down. One day when they are grown and gone I hope to be able to meet up with my ex again and put the pieces back together again. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

  96. sserendipityy Says:

    Wow, so glad to find this discussion. It is heartening to see so many people remarry after many years.

    My story – met my ex when i was 17, we had two children by the time I was 21. We were young and I was naive.

    We had plenty of issues mainly substance abuse. And just before we broke up I also had two terminations (long heartbreaking story) and I went a bit crazy and did some very hurtful things to him.(and me)

    We broke up in 89, our children were 4 & 6.
    We kept up as friends until 2000 , when he decided he had to have no contact with me for his own sanity. I was sad but had no choice but to accept this.

    During our time apart I have had three, 7 year relationships but none measured up (i always was the one who decided to end these relationships)and I always knew i still loved him. My ex was kind and supportive, unlike my most recent matches.

    In the time apart he has had one 2 year relationship that ended 14 years ago.

    2009 he got back in touch with me ( I was finally single and happy)for my birthday and we have now started seeing each other and talking regularly. We have not slept together yet though and although I want to I am in no hurry to. If this is meant to happen, it will. However we have a journey in front of us.

    We have both acknowledged that we feel we fit best with one another. I am so comfortable with him and am now wondering if it is possible that we may be able to have a more mature relationship.

    It is early days yet but I am quietly hoping that this may happen. I want to proceed with caution though cos I certainly don’t want to hurt him or me and I also don’t want to push too hard for my own agenda.

    We now have 3 grandchildren also and it truly is a joy to watch him as a grandad.

    So together for 7, apart for 20 and now we have come full circle.

    Re: stats – if 10% of divorced couples reunite, I wonder then the % that stays together versus those that separate yet again.

  97. passlives Says:

    I had been seperated from my ex-husband for 16 years. Few months ago a situation had brought us together for me to need his support for our child. Then he told me that he was still in love with me and that it had never left his heart. But apparently he had told his live-in girlfriend of 10 years who he has a young 8 year old child with that he still had feelings for me before he told me. I guess I had always known he always had feelings for me and that’s why I had always ignored him and not be friendly with him throughout these years. I had long term relationships but was the one to let them go, because it never felt right, never had the thought of my ex-husband in my head. I never thought in my wildest dreams or thoughts that all of a sudden I would have that love feeling back for him. I was in shock mentally and told myself this cannot be happening, this is not the right time. I needed to keep my distance. Especially when he is with someone else of 10 years. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want to keep my distance and let them work out their problem which is mainly my name. I ask him why would you tell her that your still in love with me, why not just keep it in? Once you tell someone your in love with someone else I don’t think they will ever live peacefully with that person. He said he couldn’t keep it in any longer it had been haunting him for years, that’s why he never married her even after all these years. We both have a long road until we both can really be together.

  98. Maire Says:

    I’d like someone to tell me what to do:) My husband and I dated 6 years and married for 16, with 3 awesome boys. We have have always had a passionate relationship in love and fighting, he was my best friend. He is strong headed and controlling, with some pornagraphy issues and very unforgiving. A few years back I started working FT and fell in Love with my boss. I dreamed of leaving my husband but was always too scared to even discuss it. He didnt’ even sense that i was so unhappy. Then I got caught. I had prayed that my husband would throw me out of the house and I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy, but instead he wants to forgive me and change himself to make me happy. He is begging for me to give HIM a second chance…this all seems crazy to me. The problem is, is that I do love my boss, who whats to marry me, but I still love my husband and seeing this new side to him makes me think we could be happy agian. If I go back to my husband i will have to quit my job with a very promising future…or risk going back to a husband who can’t forgive and is just desperate not to lose me (or his lifestyle). It breaks my heart to hurt either one of them.

  99. RS Says:

    Maire – since you mentioned praying, I will assume that you are a person of faith. If that is so, please do all you can to learn about marriage and the covenant that it represents. Pursuing a relationship with your boss can only lead to pain and misery. The forgiveness that you are seeing from your husband seems crazy because it is God working in him to allow it. Our human nature is to do the exact opposite – to want to punish and exact revenge. I pray that you will seek God’s will in your situation. Have faith in Him and He will exceed your wildest expectations.

  100. Rizy Says:

    Hi everyone. It’s been 3 months since my divorce and my ex is asking me to remarry him. Within the 9 nine years we were married i know i never had a relationship nor sleep with anyone and he claims same. At one point we were seperated for three years. My main question is if we remarry will the previous years continue or we will be considered a newly wed even though it’s been only three months since our dicorce? Thanks for reading Rizy.

  101. james Says:

    ok my wife and i will be divorced tom. we have been seperated for over a year. on nov 11th she kisses me and tells me she wants to be back tog. on nov 21 she starts dating this new guy???? confusing me altogether. i want her back so very bad and i know she wants me back she just cat put the past away. she has told me she does not love this guy she is engaged to that she just doesnt want to move backward and the only way she can keep from doing that is to marry someone else so she will be morally bound not to come back to me. i still dont know why we are divorcing i mean i worked nights and her days and we grew apart but i now work for same company as her so we have same schedule i dont know im sure this makes no sense just want my world back i can honestly say i would walk through the depths of hell and risk staying there forever if it meant i would get to spend one more day with her as my wife

  102. Dani Says:

    Hi

    We married in 1980 after 18 years I left him because he was emotionally and verbally abusive and he let everyone know I was a burden. I worked FT and took care of the house and paid for everything for my sons from a prior marriage. I did not get any child support. My x’s family had money and my x was used to it so we lived a seperate life in one house. I fianlly left him after the kids went to college. He turned around and became a gentle, kind person and finally treated me like an equal. None of his old selfish ways have popped up in the 14 years since our divorce. However, before I div. him, he trashed me to his parents and his mother took every opportunity to make snide comments to me when no one was around. At his parents house for our dinner there once a month, no one would even accept my presence except to ask me what I’d like to drink at dinner. It was as if I was persona non-grata. I know his rude comments to them allowed them to think his mother could put me down and he acted like he never saw it. Now since our divorce, we finally became good friends and good grandparents together., My entire family and friends and our friends know we are together, though continue to live seperate. He has not told his mother at all that he even sees me. His father passed years ago. No drinking, drugs, infidelity ever took place, it’s that his parents thought he should have married someone in his “class”. Though he does not feel like he is superior at all, this weird relationship he has with his mother, she is very manipulative by saying to him, “you would never dissapoint me”…works in a weird way. He only sees her when necessary. It’s not as if he thinks she is warm, wonderful. He knows she is cold and curt. Though it makes me sad that he can’t find his cajones and let her know that people change, or that he was at fault in the marriage, or that our lives have worked out with each other and we are in a relationship. I know he created this division and he does not say, but he is afraid to tell his mom and siblings about us. We are both in our late 50’s. Not kids. I know if he tells her that we are seeing each other, it’s admitting he failed and that he is weak by seeing me. Any thoughts on this. We do love each other and have 30 years of us. Gone though good and bad and back to good except him being open to his mom and grown daughter. They were worried I would take any of the hidden assents they had. I did not or would I have. Am I being just plain blind for thinking he will change this one last, but deal breaker issue?

  103. Audrey Says:

    Dani, I think it is possible to change. Believe in him. And he should believe in himself as well. I have seen a lot of changes lately, mostly in me. It is possible to correct behaviour and make new relationships with your parents (I have done it), one just needs to believe that it’s possible. Therapy helps as well, I can tell. And a lot of talking and thinking. Praying too, if you are a believer.

    Good luck to you and the others! I believe that love prevails.

  104. Leon Says:

    My wife and I met online but never got a real chance to know each other. we were much in love but took on a lot of changes in a very short period of time. we grew apart but never lost our feelings for each other. we divorced(although neither of us wanted too but PRIDE took over) after the dust settled, we realized that we made a big mistake and have now taken BIG steps to repair the damage and get back together. we joined church and now rely on the WORD OF GOD to give us direction with this situation. we are both still very much in love and are just taking our time getting back together.

  105. pam Says:

    Hi My Husband and I are getting back together after being apart for 17 years. He had a drinking problem and I met someone else who just gave me attention, much younger than I at the time. We ended up in a big fight and I left him The young man I ahd took to and I never had and intimisy at all. We started talking a year or more ago and it has been great. He came out here for a week and we did some day trips with my Son and Grandson and it was also great. He sent me a new Wedding ring set, he sends me flowers and he call quite frequently and says he has loved me all these years and can not wait till I and we are home, I would like to get out wedding vows renewed. I also asked him to be patient and let us get to know each other again. I am getting excited and looking forward, to starting a new beginning with him. thanks Pam

  106. Mr. X Says:

    I think its horrible. Think of all the innocent victims who got caught in the middle! Its not even a success story where they’ve been remarried for any length of time! I guarantee that all the issues stemmed from selfishness on both of the couples behalf!

  107. Ben Says:

    My ex and I divorced almost 5 years ago (her desire, not mine at all)after 21 years of marriage. We are not back together, we are no where near back together, but I hope for it and pray for it every single day. There is no one in the world like her, and I love her as much as the day we said “I do”.
    I work on myself every single day, and I take ownership for my role in the marriage.
    Neither of us have been in any serious relationships since the divorce, so I continue to hold out hope, and I pray that she will see the “new me” and fall in love with me again.
    I want to finish this life with the ame beautiful woman I started it with.
    Prayers are appreciated.
    Ben

  108. LaDena Says:

    My ex-husband and I were married 4 mos. shy of 25 yrs. We have 4 adult children and 1 grandchild. We have been through ALOT together. We got divorced 10-08. After both of us strenthening our individual relationships with GOD and discovering our own faults instead of concentrating on our spouses faults, we starting dating in
    3/10. We never dated other people. It sounds strange but I always felt I would spend the rest of my life with my husband. We just seemed to need to time apart to work on ourselves. At the time of our divorce, we had been together over 27 yrs. Granted we had some seperation because he went to prison and during that time I developed a serious drug addiction. We both overcame these serious issues and grew together. I believe we started taking each other for granted and not respecting the other person. Thank GOD the LORD was strenthened in our lives

  109. Robert Says:

    My ex-wife and I were married 19 years. We divorced in 2004 and she re-married in June 2010. She married because I was not very communicative and didn’t express or show that I loved her. In short I wasn’t the husband she deserved. After she re-married I met with her and told her that I loved her. I expressed my heartfelt feelings for her and she was surprised to know that I felt that way. She said had she known the way I felt about her she would not have re-married. The man she married treats her good and therefore she is in a difficult situation. I have made significant changes that she has seen. We have two beautiful daughters that have a hard time with her re-marriage although they try to hide it. The problem is this, we both want to be together again as husband and wife but because she re-married it’s obviously not possible. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings because he treats her good. We talk frequently and express our desire to be together. We have come to realize that we are soulmates because we when I am about to call her my phone is already ringing. We have the same thoughts at the same time. If I can’t sleep she can’t either. If I’m thinking of her she calls an vice-versa. I am currently going to counseling sessions and she has stated she needs to go as well. Prior to getting divorced she tried to get me to attend counseling sessions but I refused because I felt it was for weak persons only. Needless to say I regret not having attended counseling or attempt reconsiliation before she re-married. She had backed out of re-marriage at least twice that I’m aware of because she didn’t feel right about it. She re-married because her friends told her to forget about me and move on because I would never change. Well, I changes although it was after the fact. It’s a sad situation because she’s married to a man she doesn’t love. She has been honest with him concerning her love for me before they got married but he was ok with it. How someone can marry another person knowing they are not the love of their life is beyond me. I couldn’t marry someone if I knew they did not love me wholeheartedly. Does anyone have any advice or comment on this situation.

  110. Ben Says:

    It’s me, Ben, again
    Today would have been our 26th anniversary. We are no closer to being back together – at least as far as I can see. But I believe with all my heart that God still has a plan, and that our relationship is not over. There will be a reconcilliation, and there will be a new marriage resurrected where the old one once stood. But when Lord, when? I miss her more and more everyday, and I miss her the most tonight on our anniversary. I miss her so much.
    If you read this, please pray for us.

    Ben

  111. KB Says:

    What a great site. I started out searching for help in how to get over my ex husband. Then I started looking for statistics on remarrying first husband. We were married for 13 1/2 years and have been divorced for 10. I screwed up and made the biggest mistake of my life when I left him. While we were seperated he said mabye we’ll start dating again somewhere down the line. I remarried a couple of years later and moved to another state. But we have stayed in touch by e-mail. He remarried a couple of years ago to a woman that he had been with since soon after our split. Even though I want him to be happy I am very jealous of her. It took me a while to realize he is the best thing that every happened to me. My second marriage I just settled because he was more stable than all the other losers. And now I stay with him because I think I have made huge mistakes and just have to live with it. This site gives me hope that someday I can get back together with my one true love.

  112. john Says:

    I found this site by accident but glad I did (I think?) I thought my ex wife and I were on the way to reuniting but I may have been wrong, first a bit of history if you care to read my mess?
    “03” after being married for 14 years and 3 kids she out of the blue told me the famous “I love you but im not IN love with you bullshit” i was devastated moved out and found out a few months later she was having an affair with a married man, no surprise there… anyway we spent the next 2 years back and forth living together and trying to reconcile, I could not put the affair behind me and was very verbally abusive to her, she finally had enough and asked me to leave again and filed for divorce,
    “07” divorce was final, very difficult and painful to say the least, I went my way she went her way with lots of anger and no communication unless it was about the boys 21-18 and 12… now after 3 years of divorce and both her and I having 3-4 failed relationships, her last one physically abusive we somehow came together about 2 months ago,
    Now my story….
    My son and I were going to be gone in the Keys for 2 weeks, my oldest boys 21and 18 live with me and have since the divorce, anyway I called her and asked if she would like to house sit for me and keep my 18 yo boy from destroying the house and before I could get asking her out of my mouth she said yes! let me back up for a min and tell you she rented a house last year next door to her abusive boyfriend so I was also concerned with her and my 12 year olds safety as well..
    While staying at my home she re arranged the furniture, cleaned everything, hired a bug killer, had the carpets cleaned, in my eyes she way maybe getting the home ready for herself? sooo confusing this woman, I love her more than anyone I have ever known and would do anything for her, she is my sole mate I thought, she spent a lot of time here with me and the boys for a few weeks she even had her friends over for dinner all this mind you with no sex with me, no talk of wanting to come back to me, on telling me anything I needed to hear from her if you know what I mean? when I tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her she answers with “thank you”!
    Now it seems she is changing how she maybe felt, I do not get return emails when I express my feelings and tell her how much I love her, no more phone calls and no more coming over to spend time with me? I am so confused with this whole situation all I do is cry at the drop of a hat, not feeling very manly these days? she is the love of my life and I know I will never have the history or the deep love with anyone like her again, I also know no one could ever come close to hurting me the way she has over the years, she is 43 I am 52, she also wrote a song a few weeks ago about her life I would love to share all out there but I will wait until someone reads my post this is long enough, I am sorry…
    All I do is pray for God to put me in her heart again and so far my prayers are not being answered ( I am lost and don’t know what to do? please help!
    J

  113. Flávia Says:

    Adorei ler esas histórias achava que era quase impossível existir pessoas que se reconciliam após o divórcio,talvez porque estou passando pela mesma situação.Fui casada 13 anos e a 7 estou separada,hj fiquei sabendo que meu ex está dando entrata no divórcio,mas luto para reconquistá-lo e saber que ainda há uma esperança pra mim foi maravilhoso espero receber e-mails de incentivo e também de ajuda pois estou sem saber como agir daqui pra frente .Flávia

  114. Sara Says:

    I left my ex just over a year ago and our divorce has been final for about 6 months. I really want to rekindle our love and marriage. We have 2 wonderful boys together that are 3 and 4 yrs old. We are both dating other people. I am not in love with the man I am dating, I started dating him the week I left my husband and think it was a rebound situation. However, he loves me very much and really wants to be with me and isn’t willing to accept the fact that I am not madly and deeply in love with him. My ex is currently dating as well. He seems happy but not ‘happy like we were’. I don’t want to destroy his relationship with his girlfriend if we can’t make it work and I don’t want to put our kids through us separating again if we can’t make it work. But I really truly deep down in my heart think that we can. I feel he really was my soulmate and I gave that up. I regret it every day! I pray that we get back together and I think we could but I have hurt him very very badly and don’t know if he can get over the pain I caused. It would be sooo great to be a family again! I feel like I have made my bed and now need to lie in it but man I love and miss him. Do I just move on and forget about the past or do I start to push forward. I have nobody to talk to about this and I know many people on both sides would be very upset if we got back together. I just don’t know what to do. Please give me your advice. Thanks for your help!

  115. Ben Says:

    Sara,
    Who cares what ANYONE besides, you, your ex, and your kids think? Do what your heart tells you to do, and that is to try to rebuild the family you had. You two found each other on the beginning for a reason. You were meant to be together for a reason.

    Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.
    I’m willing to bet there is a way for the two of you to make it, and make it better than it ever was !!

  116. Audrey Says:

    Haven’t been here for a year and found all these new storier. I really wish you all the best luck and that you can work it to your hearts’ desires. It is A LOT of work, I can say. A lot lof apologizing, forgetting and changing. But if you believe in it, it is possible.

    Two years after the break-up and he is single again. We have been in contact all the time, but now even more than before. He is also changing. I hope so much that some day he will be able to love me again. Now we are good friends and I’m grateful in all these changes in both of us. I’m so happy that we can be honest with each other and have these deep conversations.

  117. Helen Gent Says:

    Hi all

    Just found this thread. Really interested to hear from any UK-based women who re-married their ex-husband. I’m writing a piece for a quality Sunday magazine on this subject – for a Valentine love piece. If you want to email me direct, I’m at helen.gent@tiscali.co.uk

  118. Jon B. Says:

    I’m glad it’s working out well for you guys! I hope the same thing will happen to me one day – I was with one for 10 years – but for now we’re not at the same point in our lives. Perhaps after a few serious relationships like you two, it’ll work out.

    I work with people who want to get back with their ex’s. I know it’s totally possible. If you went out together in the first place it’s because you both decided to be part of each others’ lives. That’s no small thing. If the passion is still there but it’s just a question of fixing problems or overcoming obstacles then I say go for it!

  119. LG Says:

    Married for 23 years with three children. He went through a mid crisis and did a 180 degree personality change about 3-4 years ago. he then decided after the divorce to take me back to court in an attempt to get custody of children. i still love him but find it difficult to even be friends with him for the sake of the children at this point. He is so angry and seems to spend most of his time trying to find underhanded ways of being uncooperative.I wish everyone who has posted on this thread the best of luck and hope i can at least get to the point of finally being friends with my ex husband

  120. Ben Says:

    It’s Ben here again,
    I read these stories of reconcilliation, and I just hope (and of course pray) that it will happen for her and I someday. 21 years together that went by in the blink of an eye followed by 5 years apart now that seem to be dragging on forever. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But I know she is worth the wait.

  121. Who here is in Recovery or "Fixed" their marriage... - Marriage Advocates Says:

    Kramer auto Pingback[…] to get his exwife back (many years later). Most post are those who have remarried their ex already.http://themediansib.com/2006/11/06/marrying-an-ex-spouse/I am in a situation that is CLOSE to these posts. Let me give you a few details.My ex wife and I […]

  122. Janet Says:

    Hi all,

    Well I married by ex-husband in 1990, I was 21 and he was 23. We eloped because my mother was against of us getting married. We lived together a good 6 months before we separated due to the consent problems with my family. We maintained friends through the yrs, our divorce was final in 11/95. We both married other people and had children but we have kept in touch throughout the yrs. After being divorced for 15 yrs we have reconciled this christmas that past and are planning to remarry by the end of the yr. We both have matured enough to realize that life is too short and that we cannot throw away the opportunities that God has given us to love each other again.

  123. Mary Says:

    Hi All,

    This is so inspiring. I have not gone as far as getting back together with my ex but I am willing to enter into that if the circumstances enabled us the opportunity.
    My ex cheated on me when we were having some issues in our marriage. I know that he loved me and didn’t intend on hurting me and we had just had our second child. She was only 6 months when this happened. We separated for a year, he came back for only a month or so but the other woman was still in the picture, so we split. After a year he filed for divorce and we just got word in December of 2010 that it was final.
    They moved in together before the divorce. They both have 2 kids and she was also married when they had the affair.
    In recent news, my ex and his girlfriend broke up and he moved down the street from me. It’s close to the kids school and his job and me. He wants to be friends and we have had an open line of communication because of the kids but we were not friends. I was very upset because I did not want the divorce or to break up our family and I wanted us to resolve our issues. But I think he thought the grass was greener on the other side. I guess everyone has to find that out for themselves. He has since apologized for everything he has done and hopes we can be friends. He also hopes to get help for himself as he knows he has unresolved issues
    Of course, I feel comfortable now that the other woman is out of the picture. She was not a very good role model for my kids and I felt very uneasy about her. I feel like we were very much in love and like all marriages we had issues.
    I only hope that we can get to a place where we can rekindle what we had through getting to know each other now after what has happened and maybe get to a much stronger relationship than when we were married. I know it isn’t impossible, but I’m just wondering if he even has any feelings for me or he’s still in love with his ex.

  124. Paul Says:

    My wife of 16 years left to have an affair with my friend (announced so not really “cheating”), got pregnant quickly and stayed with the guy, though they did not marry. Then a few years later he died, so she was free and we gradually resumed our relationship and eventually remarried (me acquiring an unexpected but very nice stepson thereby). We are basically happy but it still burns me that she never left the guy and they might have stayed together indefinitely if he had not died. She doesn’t want to talk about it. I do, but it is very painful. The remarriage is not ideal and we are a bit stuck – what to do? Forgive, forget and accept the limping second marriage as is or hope for the best and talk about the past?

  125. Shawn Says:

    I am in this same situation. My husband and I were seperated for 5 1/2 years and got back together almost 3 months ago. Neither one of us truly moved on, we were in relationships but they were just filling a void. We were truly made for each other, he is my one and only true love. I really truly hope that we can get everything back to the way it was. I would love to marry him again.

  126. donnelle havel Says:

    I think it is wonderful to promote this. If you are in love with your husband and he feels the same than yes I think for sure it can work and it may work better bc you both knew what you had perhaps what you have lost and could have grown to realize the problems were not that big enough after you get back into the falsely night life and dating one after the other with more problems than expected. They need more sites like this and for marriage.

  127. Karen Says:

    Well, I will add my two cents to this mix…! Ex-husband and I married in 1989 and have a daughter and a son, now 19 and 13 years of age. I became very unhappy in the marriage around our 10th year…was not getting my emotional or physical needs met……he is a great guy, but, like a lot of men, wanted to provide a good home for his family and basically worked a lot…both at his regular job and then with his own start up business. I was an at home mom with young kids, I was obese, suffered from mental health issues…and then struggled with the one-two blow of my mother and father each dying- fairly young- within 5 months of each other. My ex-hub simply wasn’t able to provide me with what I needed…..I know he tried…but I do think that, in facing my mortality, I started to have a “life is short” kind of urgency in terms of personal fulfillment and felt I was not going to be happy in the marriage. I was craving sexual satisfaction and emotional attachment and ended up finding it with a female friend. I had always considered my sexuality as fluid, and my husband knew this…but I hadn’t counted on falling in love with this person….and wanting to make a life with her. She was in a very similar situation…married to a man with two children. The idea of breaking up my family was almost too much to bear- but living without this woman seemed even more unbearable. After 12 years of marriage, my husband, who was devastated, and I divorced and I began a new life with my partner.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing…but you don’t get it until later! If there is really any such thing as a “successful divorce”, my ex-hub and I had one. It was tough in the initial months, but we eventually were able to maintain our foundation of friendship…and we remained fairly present in each other’s daily lives co-parenting the children….and then as the years went on…being supportive of each other as friends. There were a lot of obstacles in my new relationship….particularly in regard to the blending of our families…but I do believe that we ultimately did amazingly well. However, one of the recurring conflicts in this new relationship pertained to my continued friendship with my ex-husband and the blurry lines between the life I had with him and the life I was leading in the present. However, the final argument was always about everything being better for the kids….and the fact that my ex and I were so supportive of each other would only serve the kids well. We were not inappropriate with each other- and we never spoke of intimate issues…..but it was clear to everyone we had a bond. If anything, the fact that we did get along so well in many ways may have had some wondering at times why we ever divorced at all.

    Touche! My partner and I had a very tumultuous relationship from the start…and, coming from a rather mundane marriage with the stresses of daily life, I think I called this “passion” and felt I had found what was missing in my life. Today I would call it “drama” and “immaturity”- but there’s that hindsight again! lol Anyway….through the last ten years since our divorce and during the ups and downs of my relationship, I had a new filter through which to view life. I often found myself comparing the new to the old, the plusses and minuses…..and began to better see the big picture. My ex-husband focused on his work and the kids….he never got involved with another, telling me at one time that he wasn’t willing to put in all that new effort. I did understand it, but I also felt sad that he was alone…though he didn’t seem too bothered as he was always very active and busy.

    My partner and I finally ran out of steam earlier this year…..nine years later, it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. In January, we separated again….another one of many…and, as usual, my greatest support was my ex-husband. However, this time, we found ourselves engaging with each other in an intimate way….something he never expected to be possible at all (me being a lesbian I guess…)….and something I never expected to be so exciting and fulfilling. Suddenly, it all seemed to make sense. I could finally have it all. I was no longer the woman I was 10 years ago…..I have gone from obese mom at home, to thin full time working woman- able to financially support myself…..but with a whole lot of wisdom. I often thought while in a struggle with my partner, that it was all just one big trade off in the relationships. My life was no easier with her than it was with my ex……in fact..my life was actually a lot harder in many ways. For many of those initial years, it did seem worth it to me. Even now, as I think of it, it was worth it….because of how it allowed me to grow as a woman, make some changes that were necessary in me.

    My partner and I finally went our separate ways…..painful as that was, for the better of everyone. While there were many factors for us not being able to stay together…as there always are…I think she always knew my ex and I still loved each other. It was hard for her not to see it actually, the way we remained so close. I think though she saw something that had more to do with he and I as adults, than as co-parents.

    When my ex and I began to realize that we could still connect in a way that was mutually satisfying…physically and emotionally..it was only natural to contemplate a reconciliation. If one were to ask me why I think this time around would be any different than before…I know for a fact that the main difference is that “I” am different. That is the primary factor. What was important to me then is no longer important…the self-worth issues I had ten years ago I no longer struggle with- and that permeates everywhere in my life. It is like comparing apples and oranges to me.

    What has been most surprising to me/us is the following: I am a child of divorce and it made it all the harder for me to end my marriage knowing the after effects it would have on my children. My parents were quite acrimonious after their marriage ended, and my sibs and I often fantasized about them getting back together. When my ex and I told our daughter this migt be happening, her reaction was the complete opposite of what one would have thought. She was NOT happy about this…and her reasoning actually was quite insightful. Having had such a friendship after our divorce, she now feared that our relationship could change…and possibly end…leaving us without even a friendship. She is a wise girl. As time has passed, she is now totally on board and is vety happy to have an intact family once again.

    At the end of my marriage, I remember having those thoughts of “life is short…” and it propelled me out of the relationship. Today I can contemplate that same passage and it propels me into this relationship. I often read articles about people who regret their divorces, wishing they were still with their ex…who has now moved on with another. I am so fortunate to have this second chance.

  128. Aisha Says:

    Hello All,
    I have spent the last 5 days reading these stories trying to figure out if I was absolutely NUTS or if this was something that other people have done ) My ex and I got married in 2000. I was 23, he was 28. We had terrible communication that caused a lot of other issues. He was emotionally distant, I was insecure. Both our expectations were a little unrealistic and we were both hard-headed. I tried and tried to make it work but he started getting successful in his work and started thinking he was too good for his life. We divorced in 2006. He remarried less than 6 months later to a woman with borderline bipolar. He had a son and is getting divorced from her now. Apparently, he never stopped loving me. He contacted me in early 2011 about his marriage situation. After hearing about his wife’s behavior I was able to piece together her condition. I encouraged him to work things out with her by first getting her to a psychiatrist. She refused over and over again. I have been his friend and confidante throughout this year-long ordeal and he is now going through the custody battle.
    I have lived a wonderful life the past 5 years that I have had to myself. I have traveled, worked at an amazing job and spent quality time with my immediate family. I have also interacted with a LOT of people in the meantime and have grown to appreciate many things about my ex. More importantly, I have learned that happiness comes from inside ME and not from other people. I am still aware of his flaws but feel a lot more mature and confident and I can manage my expectations and deal with disappointments more effectively than 10 years ago. He has agreed to counseling (a HUGE thing for him!) and after his situation with his 2nd wife he *really* grew to understand my love for him when we were together.
    A lot of my family and friends warn me to be cautious this time around as old habits die hard, but I think I want to try this. I have nothing to lose. And life is short.
    I don’t LOVE him, though we did have a very passionate marriage, so that might come back. But I certainly do care about him.
    We are still in the negotiating phase – and he is still recovering from his 2nd marriage – though he would never admit it. It’s still not set in stone but I think we are going to end up together. I am just trying to do everything to ensure that we will STAY together and build a happy family with his stepson and our future kids, God willing.
    So happy to read this stories. Rock on!

  129. Alma Says:

    Hi everyone,

    My ex-husband and I are remarrying after 4 years of bad divorce. We were married for 9 years and met one another three years before we decided to get married. We have two children of 10 and 8. Our children never stopped thinking we would be back again. One day, they surprised us and told us to truly give each other a hug and look in the eyes. We looked at each other and right there, all the bitterness turned into sweetness. Our marriage was never easy, but we now know that the grass is actually not greener on the other side. Our children are so happy and can’t wait for the big day. This time, we know we can make it through anything. Reuniting is possible if there was an intense connection. For us like for anyone else, we got blinded by our routine, work and taking care of kids without family around. People around us are probably we are crazy, but who cares? We have also learned the good lesson in divorce: “people are often biased and will either make your situation worse or help you both in a healthy way”. Our love has arose again and our children are far more important than gossip from people. I believe that people should just be respectful of others’ decision.

  130. john Says:

    my first wife and i met 32 years ago.we married after 4 years and were married 7 and a half years before seperating and divorcing.we have been living together for 3 months after 20 years apart.i remarried for 18 years and my ex wife married twice in the time apart.we had 2 daughters from our first marriage and they are now 26 and 28.we also have 5 grandchildren.reading the above articles,i agree that as we get older ,we get wiser.we have the opportunity for a fresh start and are going to take it and make each other happy for the rest of our live.

  131. Begonia Says:

    Thank you! This site has brought a smile and tears to my face. I have been divorced going on 5 years in January. I remarried and just went through a horrible experience with 2nd husband and had to get my marriage annulled. My ex also remarried and is still married to the woman he left me for. I now am so tired of trying to move on after my divorce my ex and I have 3 children and he is a wonderful father. We married in 1999 I was 19 and he was 18. We were together since he was 16 and I was 17. I now after almost 5 years of being divorced realize that I want him back. I have always loved him and I always looked for him in all 5 relationships I had after he left us including my recent breakup with 2nd husband of almost one year. I am missing my ex husband more than ever and find myself making him food and buying him his favorite drink and all. I love him and I always will. This site has given me hope that after someone divorces and remarries others there is still hope. I am praying and hoping that my ex husband that I have known for almost 14 years now realizes that we belong together. God Bless You All…

  132. Nina Says:

    My ex-husband and I have remained friends over the years after our divorce in 1998. We were both pretty immature, selfish, and had both come from broken homes. We basically were only getting along in the bedroom and that’s it. When I wanted to attend marriage counceling – he didn’t. When he wanted to attend – I was already over it and convinced that divorce was the only option. Our daughter recently turned 16 yrs old, and he is going through an absolutely awful situation with his ex-girlfriend who is the mother of his 3yr old son. Thank goodness they never married or it would be even uglier. Anyway, over the years I noticed that I was always his go-to person for advice or just to chitchat – even if it wasn’t always regarding our daughter. Whenever there have been any important accomplishments in his life, I’m the person to call for him. We go out to eat, joke around, take care of our daughter, and share similar views on multiple things from religion to politics, mostly everything. He is scared of what we experienced in the past with me, and I’m scared as well, but I know we both have grown and matured a great deal since then. We both have tried to find happiness in other relationships, but they’ve always failed. I don’t know when, but ultimately I feel as if we’re going to get back together. I really do believe in soulmates, but I believe that some people don’t always recognize or marry the partner that is meant for them. They attempt to find happiness elsewhere or feel the grass may be greener and commit grave mistakes. I’m going to take it very slow and continue living my life to the fullest, but I have NO DOUBT that he and I will remarry again. We are just not comfortable or as in-tune with any other people except each other. Much success to all the people who have been able to change, grow and recapture their true partners! Sometimes it requires some time away in order to see what you truly had, in order to be able to appreciate it to the fullest.

  133. gregg Says:

    After 23 married years and 2 boys, 12 and 7 my wife walked in one day with divorce papers. I was in shock and signed them hoping to change her mind. The divorce was final after 60 days and i left with nothing. My business was basically bankrupt and she had a great job making great money. Within 90 days she had a married man half her age staying over the house on the weekends while the boys were there. i met another woman and i am staying with her now. i have no money and at age 50 its hard to find work. I still love my ex and boys. Feels like im away on business and i just want to go home. Paralyzing me emotionally. I pick up my sons at the house and see some guys car at my house. Makes me sick. I write my ex letters every week telling her how much i love her and want to come home and raise our boys. She blows me off but i feel like i have to keep trying to put my family back together again. I want to go home and start over. Does anyone else go through what i am? She has destroyed me financially but i still love her and want to go home. Have i lost my mind? Thanks

  134. Lindsey Says:

    My husband is filing for divorce this weekend and I hope that I can return to this website one day and post my success story, I will always keep a place in my heart for him and I hope we will be together again in the future

  135. Veronica Says:

    My ex-husband and I dated from ages 18-26. Married in 1982 at age 26 and divorced a year later. We both remarried, raised three children, respectively. After 27 years of marriage to other people we reconnected and are planning on reuniting after our youngest chlldren graduate college in approx. 3 years. During our brief marriage, his frequent moves for work were a deal-breaker for me because I am very close to my extended family. But as we both approach retirement we realize it’s the right time for us, again.

  136. Jeremy Says:

    Ok.. just got divorced 3 days before Christmas. The ex decides that she made a huge mistake and wants to start again. What is the easiest and cheapest way to cancel the process of providing child support and allimony? Does it take an attorney? Shouldn’t there be an easy way to just say, we made a mistake?

  137. Barbarah Says:

    I was married to a wonderful military man for 20 years,just prior to out 21 anniversary he moved out without warning,I find out he was involved with a 17 year old neighbor , He was 53,The girls mother suppod the relationship,I went through all kinds of hell because he forgot all about his adult responsibilities like mortgage payments, car payments crdit card payments to name just a few.I had a nervous breakdown while Mr Wonderful was seen all around town with his teen ager, who by hte way was 6 years younger than his youngest daughter.On the day our divorce was final we went out to coffee, He then proceeded to tell me how upset he was that I divorced him and he said he was sorry for all the pain and suffering he caused.I wished him well and left.That was 8 years ago.Today we are dating again, the past few years have been a learning experiance for us,for now we are dating each other and taking things one day at a time.Will we remarry? It looks that way but not anytime soon. He has to earn my trust and thats going to take a long time.
    As for the girlfriend she became pregnant and played it for all she was worth until the baby was born then her game was up….the baby was a mixed race baby.My ex is caucasion just like she is.I don’t know how everything will work out but I’m hoping to slip my wedding ring back on in 2013.

  138. Lauren Says:

    I have been divorced for almost a year and a half. Separated for about 2.5 years. Have dated around and one serious relationship that I don’t want to move forward with for several reasons. We have two kids and put each other through hell. He may have moved on… I don’t know since we basically don’t communicate. Our families would probably hate us and really he probably hates me. He doesn’t make eye contact with me when we exchange the kids or have to be together for a kid thing. Most communications are cold and limited. The other day we actually spoke like normal people and I heard the person that I knew. I didn’t hear the masked person I am used to and it has flooded me with emotion. The reasons for the divorce were poor communication, immaturity, blaming each other for things and probably also negativity from those close toe regarding the relationship as opposed to support. I also felt verbally and emotionally attacked and didn’t know how to handle it. Didn’t handle it well. I suppose this may be part of the process and I will have to keepi moving forward but I wish I knew what he felt. Surely there is too much damage and hurt from our divorce process… But I can’t stop thinking about it now that we have had time apart. I won’t tell him since I have a terrible track record and that probably would be just mean at this point. Or maybe he would be terrible to me and angry. Who knows. I am glad I found this site so at least I know I am not alone.

  139. SCOTT Says:

    My wife and I have been married going on 2 years. with in the past two months, past issues(mainly because of me) were brought up. My wife decided a separation would be good and then after she was moved out for arounds two weeks, she moved back in. A couple of days ago, my wife decided she wanted a divorce because she could not get over something that I have done in the past and regret everyday. Over the past 2 months that we have been struggling, I have tried everything I could but with no success. I want nothing more than to get back together with my wife, I just do not know if she can forgive me.

  140. Terri Says:

    My first husband and I married in 1989, sadly, we divorced in 1993 because of his infidelity. We didn’t have any children together, but I was a step-mother to his daughter from his previous marrige (I was #2 wife). Because there were no children between us, we never kept in contact. I heard that he remarried and had a son and I too remarried and had two sons. My ex-husband divorced his wife after me (#3) in 2004 and I divorced my husband in 2010. We ran into each other early last year, after no communication for over 18 years and fell madly in love all over again! We have been dating for over a year now and plan on getting married again next month! Our relationship is better than it had ever been, we trust each other, we want to live out our lives together and the children involved are all for it! Even though I can’t stand his 3rd ex-wife (she is the one he cheated on me with), I absolutely adore the son she had with my ex-husband/current fiance. I will NOT let my hatred for her ever come between my love for her son. My fiance adores my children and my 2nd ex-husband thinks it’s terrific that I am remarrying my 1st ex-husband. Again, my love is stronger than it has ever been, and I can see that he loves me in such a deep emotional way that was missing the last time we were married. Our wedding day can’t get her soon enough for me – I want to be his wife (again)!!!! I JUST KNOW IT WILL WORK OUT THIS TIME.

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