Comments on: Marrying an Ex-Spouse

By: Terry

Terry — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:01:22 +0000

My ex-husband and I will be divorced one year this month. We were together 33 years (since I was 12), married for 27. Sadly, he went off the charts last May into a midlife crisis that covered every point that could be imagined, and with only two months of being ‘down’. He filed for divorce a week after moving out, in order to pursue his ‘true love’ and he was finally happy after living in hell for the past 27 years. Our sons, 21 and 20, and myself, were devastated. He did a complete 180 degree turn in personality, and the divorce was nasty. He left with a bang. Suddenly last December he shows up on my doorstep begging for forgiveness. I was treading on eggshells. This February he was diagnosed with rectal-cancer, and besides myself and the boys, he has no one. His ‘true love’ was shipped to another state last November. I have gone with him to every doctor’s appointment, and stayed countless hours at the hospital during this year. In May of this year, the boys and I moved him back into the house so that I could care for him. Now he only has 12 weeks of a second round of radiation to complete and he has been proclaimed Cancer Free. While I know in my heart that I still love him, I never stopped, my sons know this as well, because they kept trying to help me hold it together during the divorce and public humiliation we went through. He wants very badly for me to forgive him and remarry him. He says he’s done, he’s learned his lesson. But how can a man who you have known since he was 14, have turned into the monster he became? He is still unable to give a reason for his actions, only saying he’s sorry and will never stray again, if I will only marry him again. How can I deal with this? I could never go through the pain again, that he put me, and the boys, through. He has alienated my family, and many of our friends, through his actions. Where do I turn?

By: Tae

Tae — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:42:08 +0000

So glad to hear all of the wonderful success stories! I am right in the boat with the rest of you. Ex-husband and I went to high school together and married 7 years after we graduated. Was married for 7 1/2 years together for a total of 13 years. Had 2 sons. Ex cheated and would not end the relationship for months, so I divorced him. Remarried a guy 2 years later and moved with our children out of state. Being a blended family was very hard. Often times didn’t feel like my new spouse cared enough for the boys. So I always felt the need to “protect” them from him and often times be Mommy and Daddy. I struggled with the move and my ex was devastated at not seeing his sons on a regular basis. With problems in my new marriage and having so much invested in my first one, I decided to move me and the boys back. My ex has been great! Very helpful. Completed sexual addition recovery while we were divorced. Did a lot of reflecting. We have decided to reunite and be the family that the 4 of us miss. I have filed for a divorce and have shopped for a home with my ex. He’s renewing his lease of 6 months and we’ll decide if we’re ready to cohabitate. If not, we’ll continue to work on our relationship until we’re ready to live together. The boys are ecstatic…and we are too! Everyone feels so complete and happy when we’re all together. Just the way it should be. Thanks again for all of the success stories. I know that I am doing the right thing…especially for our sons. Good luck and God bless!!

By: carol

carol — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:59:22 +0000

The best advice I can give is to think long and hard about where you MOST want to be in, say, 3 years. If there were no obstacles to overcome, what do you want your life to be like - and who do you want to be with. Then work to make it happen. Wen I faced my second divorce, I didn’t think I could handle it. I knew how horrible it would be - and embarrassing - to go through that a second time. However, I also knew that looking at the long term, I had to get out of that marriage. And, in retrospect, I did exactly the right thing. The mistake was in getting married to begin with.

It is very difficult to know what to suggest to someone else - because only YOU know all the details of your situation, and only YOU know how you really feel.

For me, I am thrilled to be back together with my first husband. Right now we are at the beach with our children and grandchildren - and I feel very complete. You have a history with the person you have children with - and no other relationship can match that.

By: Lori

Lori — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:43:22 +0000

Carly, I don’t know your entire situation but it looks like 1) you and chris made mistakes and would rather walk then work them out or admit to your faults 2) you tried to mask your mistakes by getting involved with other people 3) you still have deep feelings for each other 4) nothing horrible happened between you that can’t be fixed 5) John should not be married to you, you admitted he would be happier not in this relationship 5) it is selfish, even if it doesn’t work out with chris to keep john just becuase of your needs 6) You want to forgive yourself and Chris 7) Your son happened and it was a blessing since he was the only child you were to have and ironic that it was with Chris who you still have feelings for A secure and comfortable life is no reason to stay with someone, if you don’t leave now for Chris, you will leave someday for someone else. 9) Your son will feel like the luckiest kid on the block to have his parents back together. 10) This will be hard, but not impossible. God will give you strength and patience.

By: Lori

Lori — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 02:33:20 +0000

Allen- without knowing the details, your ex needs to heal from the abuse and then can probably have a healthy relationship with you.

I have re-united with my ex (not married yet) but have found that parenting is easier with the biological father/mother together as a family unit. I had remarried and even though the step father was great, parenting was really hard because I felt so much guilt and always tried to work harder for my daughters’ sake. If my daughter was cranky I had to make sure to make her feel better and pay extra attention to her needs. I would see my non-divorced sister with her kids, and if they are cranky she just leaves them alone until they get over it. I know everyone parents different but being back with my daughters’ father, I find I don’t have to worry so much about making life easy on my daughter. And I also find that kids are less needy. It is easier on her, on me and her dad. I agree with an early posting, if there is chance to get back together, try like hell to make it happen. It is a win-win situation for everybody.

By: Allen

Allen — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:52:01 +0000

Glad to have found this site. My ex and I broke up 5 years ago and since then she has remarried. I don’t think they are right for each other and think that her current husband is abusive toward her. We have some mutual friends and have heard stories of his behavior. I care for her deeply and regret making the mistakes that broke up our marriage in the first place. I am willing and able to try and make a relationship work with her, but first I have to encourage her to get out of her bad marriage. Even if or when that happens, how do we work out all of the damage that her husband has caused. Is this something that can be addressed in couples therapy or separate. I hope that my admitting my love for her gives her the courage to get out of her current relationship. Any advice out there?

By: Steve

Steve — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:11:45 +0000

This is the best site. I am going through reconnecting with my ex, Rebecca. It is going well.

Carly,
I agree with Diane, go for it! You did ask how to make it work, and I can give you an idea of what Rebecca and I did (to be honest, the heavy lifting has been done by Rebecca becuase she made the effort first). Rebecca and I have a similar story to you and Diane and we ended our marriage and both remarried since. We had two children and both of our spouses are wonderful with our kids. It was easier for our spouses when our kids were young, but as they got older (10+) their priorities began to change. It was more important to be with both biological parents then to have step parent coach soccer and spend holidays with. I guess what I’m trying to say, Carly, is that don’t worry about your son he is guaranteed to support you getting back together with his biological father. The stronger your relationship with Chris, the stronger your sons relationship with Chris. If your relationship with John is stronger then you should know that your son will have a stronger relationship with John. Like Diane said, adults are more stubborn and selfish then kids are and so it will be hard road but one that takes you to a good place. Rebecca and I we very happy pre-marriage and before the kids arrived marriage. If the relationship worked once, it is POSSIBLE for it to work again. So here is how Rebecca approached this (she sits by me as I write this) and it worked. Rebecca blinded me with kindness, forgiveness and goodness. At first I thought she was trying to interfere in my marriage but she kept at it, she made the 1st move, the 2nd move and the 10th move. I soon saw that she was just making me see that we can be friends, because we once were. Our relationship wasn’t always based on our children, our conflict, or our separation, it was at one point just about me and Rebecca. She just worked on building a relationship with me. It had nothing to do with our kids, our spouses or our families. It was just her and I grabbing lunch, coffee, and drinks talking and realizing that we both are good people and that we have things in common outside of being divorced parents. There was no blame, no “we have to do this for the kids”. She took me back to feeling the we were when we first met. And eventually I saw that I could have a good friendship with her. That is the foundation that will make this whole thing easy on you and your kids. We took some time away from our then-current spouses and saw that we had romance too (that part was easy,). Since we had not had any more children with our then-current spouses, divorce was not so ugly. The kids were very happy. And Rebecca and I stopped blaming each other for the hurt, and have started over without expectations. We are very happy and wish the same for you and Chris.
God Bless,
Steve & Rebecca

By: Diane

Diane — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:09:35 +0000

Carly, you can do it! At least you know how you feel and what you want, the job is to try and get it done. I bet you look back and see that you probably could have worked it out with Chris, but at the time it seemed hard. It sounds like you married John because you wanted to your life to finally come together, I did something very similar because I wanted to be married and stop living in limbo, I was tired of being a single mom. It didn’t work out for me and my “John” and I am happy to report that after some hard work it is wonderful with my “Chris”. The main reason I bit the bullet and gave 110% to make it work with my “Chris” was because of our son. Except for a violent spouse, I don’t know of any child that doesn’t wish, more then anything, that his/her biological parents get back together. Even adult children of divorced parents wish that there parents could have worked on staying together. I have divorced parents too, and if there was even a little chance that my parents get back together with by working on it, I would have given up everything else. Our children can see how important it is to reunite and would give up comforts and security for being a family. They are willing to forgive and forget. They are able to work hard. They see the long run benefits of it. I don’t know why it is hard for us to see that too. How smart our children are. When my 10 year old son pleaded to me that he would prefer a unperfect life with thier biological parents to a perfect life with his step mother and father, I saw how right he was for making that choice. I thought how I wanted that for my own parents. So I say, go for it! It will be hard to let go of John and your current life. And, it will be hard to work with Chris to make this work. I think it will work out if you give it a try, it is the best thing you can do for your son.

By: carly

carly — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 03:57:05 +0000

I have a similar situation and don’t know how to move forward. I am now 40 years old and I was in love with a man, Chris 10 years ago, we were engaged to be married and everything was going good. We were perfect for each other and very much in love. I “accidently” got pregnant before we were married and thought that it would strengthen our relationship and secure our relationship. I was foolish to think this, I know now, and insecure to not believe that my fiance loved me. He loved me and always did. Chris was not happy to expect a child because it didn’t fit into our plans at the time and felt a lot of resentment toward me. Our relationship broke up, we never married and then our baby boy was born we tried living together and making it work because of the baby. It didn’t. He was still very angry inside and tried to make it work but not with his whole heart. I was focused on the baby and became angry toward him for not playing the role I wanted. We stopped trying after about a year and went our separate ways. I married a man about 3 years ago, an old friend, John, who makes a good father to my 8 year old son, has money and does everything like he is supposed to. John is younger then me and and the love I have is companionship and appreciation for taking care of me and my son. I found out I can’t have any more kids. I also know that I cannot give John any children, which I know bothers him but he doesn’t say anything. The only child I will ever have is the one with Chris. I still wish it would have worked out for Chris and me because i still do love him. I don’t regret my son, but understand how having him came between us at the time. Chris is hurt because of what he thinks I did to him and I have been hurt because he hasn’t acted the way I want for the past 8 years. I wish we didn’t hold our grudges. I wish we could forgive and move past what happened and reunite as a family. I understand that he may never be the father I wanted him to be, but I know now that it isn’t important to look like the TV picture family I always wanted. I want us to be a family in our own way. That is best for my son, to have be with his real father. I know in the long run John will be happier leading life with someone else. John will be okay. Am I dumb to give up my secure life. It scares me to think about it because it is a risk. If it works out it is worth it. I know Chris has feelings but will never show them because it is hard to just drop things and move on. I know he misses being a dad to our son and doesn’t feel like he fits in. He loves me too, always has. We have had strong feelings for each other all along. He is not a bad person but we faced some life situations that worked against us. I have been thinking about this for a very long time. What can I do to make it work?

By: Barbara

Barbara — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:42:10 +0000

I am so glad to have found this site. I dated my ex for 6 years before we married. After 37 years of marriage, I filed for divorce. Why? I know the final reason was his two affairs. It was a devastating decision to make. I still am not certain it was the right thing to do. I had tried to get him to go to counseling…he always had to work late. And I told him he had to give up his girlfriend but he wouldn’t. He really didn’t think I would ever file for divorce. I didn’t either. The divorce was final one year ago. It was a nasty divorce that took over a year to complete. He was very angry at me for filing. Now we are talking more than we had for years. He says he is sorry and is not living with the “lady” anymore. He says he wants to go to counseling and work at getting back together. I have dated and met several nice men but even though they want to continue with a serious relationship, I just don’t feel the commitment that I should. It is exhausting to try to decide what to do. We have 3 wonderful children….all grown of course…who say they just want me to be happy. But they have seen how unhappy both of us were at times. Can I ever trust my ex again? Will he ever trust me again not to leave him? Do I want to let him back in my life for what would certainly be the last chapter of my life? While I of course remember many good things about our marriage, how does one forget the hurt and deceit that occurred? Looking back before I made the decision to file, I remember the encouragement I received from friends and lawyers to file. Someone needs to start a business called “Before You File” to give people all the avenues to explore before you make that life changing decision to divorce. So, long story short, can re-marrying your ex really work?