When I was born, my parents named me Mary Carol and decided to call me Carol. That decision has been a thorn in my side my entire life.
Let’s say my last name is Smith. Teachers, doctors, interviewers, bank tellers, anyone looking at my name on an application, roster or other form would call me “Mary Smith” and I’d have to say, “No, I go by Carol.” That happened no matter how many times I’d circle “Carol” or highlight it or write “I GO BY CAROL” in the margins.  And often people don’t care what name you go by - they’re going to call you by your first name regardless. There would be no way to count all the pre-printed nametags I’ve had to change over the years. In recent years I’ve sidestepped the issue by writing “Mary Carol” as my first name and leaving the middle name space blank on any form I had to complete.
Since I’ve recently married (and I won’t even go into how utterly stupid it is for women to be expected to change their names/identities when they get married), I spent the better part of yesterday morning at the drivers license station getting my last name changed on my drivers license. Previously when I was married, I dropped the “Mary” entirely and had my maiden name as my middle name and my married name as my last - I’d be Carol Smith Jones, for example. That worked out well. At least when people saw my name on a roster or list, they’d call me “Carol.” No correction or clarification needed.
Last week when I changed my name with the Social Security Department, they had no problem changing my Social Security card to Carol Smith Jones. But the drivers license people? Oh no, that would make entirely too much sense.
The TDOS clerk informed me that it was AGAINST THE LAW to drop the first name - unless I get a court order to change my name. You can drop your middle name, you can change your last name, but apparently “Mary” is the only name that is protected forever (except via court order) by Tennessee LAW. I would never drop “Carol” or “Smith” since those are the names I’ve gone by for 57 years. “Carol Smith” is who I am. Thus, my drivers license now reads ”Mary Carol Smith Jones.” Notice that the first and last names are what people will use when looking at the drivers license - and neither of those names is ME. The clerk informed me, though, that I could sign it however I wished. So I signed “Carol Smith Jones.”Â
Yes, it is an issue that pales into nonexistence when compared with major issues such as war and famine and disease. It’s merely one of those little annoyances that I wish parents would consider when naming their children. It’s an annoyance that has particularly annoyed me my entire life. Even after ranting about it with my siblings, a couple of them still called their kids by the middle name.Â
When my newly printed and laminated license was ready to be picked up yesterday, the clerk glanced at it and called out, “Mary Jones?” I will be getting that court order soon.
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December 29th, 2006 at 11:47 am
My husband and I BOTH have to deal with going by middle names and it is so annoying. That is why all 5 of our children go by their first names. Texas doesn’t want to let you drop the first name either.
Carol: And what makes it worse is that people sometimes act like you’re trying to do something dishonest by wanting to be called your middle name instead of the first.Â
December 29th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
I apologize Carol! Please forgive me. If I ever have any more children I will remember. If it is any consolation, my name is Sarah Ruth and I was called “Ruth”. Also, we did the same thing to 3 of your siblings (Joan, Terry and Beth)I now sign checks etc as Ruth Smith Jones but somehow Redmond Hosp found out about “Sarah” and I get some mail adressed to Sarah Jones.
Carol: I guess that wasn’t a very nice thing for me to write, was it? However, it HAS been a royal pain for a long time. I think “Mary Carol” is a beautiful name - I just wish you’d called me Mary or else named me “Carol Mary” (which doesn’t “flow” as nicely - but once you get used to a combination, it usually sounds good.) And Joan and Debi both did the same thing to their daughters - despite my protests!
December 29th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Being Sharon Lyn, I dropped my first name when I got married. It was no problem for my driver’s license. I always thought it was different and liked it that my “official” signature had the initial at the beginning rather than the middle like most people. I was S. Lyn Smith, instead of Lyn S. Smith like most people. Two of my three kids go by their middle names. One year, in preparing for students, my parapro who was from Michigan asked, “What is it with you Southerners and calling your kids by their middle names?” It hadn’t dawned on my that it might be southern!
I’m sorry it’s been such a hassle for you!
Carol: And during my first marriage I was Carol Smith Jones - and it worked well. There was no problem in dropping the first name. But you know my history the past seven or eight years. The whole name issue has been a pain. The Drivers License guy yesterday really got my goat. Such stupidity.
December 29th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Many many years ago I swore I would never do to my kids what my parents had done to me. Seemed like every year in school when they called roll the first time is was “James M****” and I would say “Here” and the teacher would ask me if I went by James, Jimmy, Jim? and every year I would get that stunned look from the teacher when I said “Mike”
Carol:Â Way to go, James!Â
  (Sorry - I couldn’t resist)
December 29th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I can relate to your tale of woe. My parents gave me a somewhat common name (crystal) but with a unique way of spelling it (christal). This has meant a lifetime of having to correctly spell my name over and over again. It’s gotten to where I tell me that I really don’t care how they spell it because it can be such an inconvenience. I’m the only child my parents did this to! As a result, my own three have common names that can only be spelled one way (although, I’m sure there are people out there who could be quite creative if they chose to do so!)
Carol: Well, I have to admit that even after all the name rigamarole I’ve gone through, I named my daughter an unusual name. We used her FIRST name, but it’s one that most people mispell and mispronounce. Now I happen to LOVE her name - which is why we gave it to her. However, it’s been a pain for her. I’ve already apologized to her many times for that! Then she went and married and guy with an unusual last name . . .  Oh well . . . Why can’t we all just get along?
December 29th, 2006 at 10:29 pm
I like your writing except your side bar. Why be this right wing nut? be a moderate, its where the truth is.
December 30th, 2006 at 10:38 am
Before you go to the expense of getting the court order, check with an attorney or the secretary of state (or whatever they call it there.) It’s very likely that the DMV clerk was an ignorant and officious dweeb, and that you’re allowed to use whichever name you like.
Carol: Oh no, Charlie! I’m absolutely certain that the Tennessee Department of Safety would NEVER hire “an ignorant and officious dweeb.” Never, no never! I’m certain of it.
December 30th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Oh, and it could be worse — my sister is called by her middle name: Queene.
December 30th, 2006 at 11:57 am
I feel your pain! My hubby is called by HIS middle name because he is a JR. and his father used the first name. We made a point of NOT doing that to our boys. Although our oldest was RWL III and was called by his first name he once had a teacher in high school that insisted that his first name was short for something else and he would be called by his full name in that class. My son explained that his name was RWL III and that his first name was NOT short for anything. It took a while but he finally convinced the teacher that he, indeed, did know what his name was!!!
Carol: My sister, Beth, had teachers tell her that her name was really Elizabeth. She had to explain that NO, her name was simply Beth - not short for anything.
December 30th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
As a teacher and parent, I 100% agree - please do not call child by middle name. All my 3 children go by first name after seeing so many family members and friends go by middle name and the craziness of having to deal with it.
In some schools, the curriculum requires they be called by first name, it doesn’t matter if they are called by their middle name. The reasoning behind it is because of the trouble is causes, not to mention the names kids are called, like Boss Hawg, Big Man, Baby, etc.
Carol: Wow! I think it’s almost unanimous! Except for Lyn, I don’t know of anyone who LIKES being called their middle name.
December 31st, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Actually, sister Queene likes her name. She just dropped her first name (Mary).
The theory behind the names was after my two grandmothers, us Injuns having had Queene as a traditional name since the White People showed up. They chose the order they did because “Queene Mary” sounded too risky.
Didn’t do a lot of good, though, as by the time she was six or seven we’d discovered English history and started calling her “Mary Queene of Snots”.
January 2nd, 2007 at 10:04 pm
I’m gonna go along with Lyn. I like my name. My daddy went by the name that is my first name, so they used my middle name for me. I much prefer Terrell to Junior. If other folks have a problem with me choosing to go by my middle name, so what! I could be Buddy or some other nickname. Sometimes reversing the first and middle names can make the name less than mellifluous. I say name the child what you like. We all have crosses to bear of one kind or another. Be thankful you’re not Ophelia or Ieula!!
Give that child a name with special meaning or just a sound you like and let the chips (dweeb teachers, dweeb bureaucrats, dweeb doctors) fall where they may.
And I love Stinkeroo’s name!
Carol: Glad you like being called by your middle name. That makes two of you. I STILL intensely dislike the never-ending hassle of it. And thanks - I love Stinkeroo’s name, too.
February 12th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
I completely agree with you about this insane form of nonsense. I just got a new car earlier today and it was a pain in the ass about my name. I have always gone by my middle name with relatives and friends ever since the day that I was born. Well today the car salesman tried to fill out my car title and he got the two given names in the wrong order. I immediately corrected him about it. Then they put it under the first, middle, and last name because the DMV requires it to be that way. I’m going to get a court order to COMPLETELY CHOP OFF THE FIRST NAME THAT I DON’T USE! Nope I don’t want idiots lying the way that they always do when I talk about changing my name. I NEVER WANT THE FIRST NAME TO REMAIN THE FIRST NAME AND I DON’T WANT THAT STUPID GARBAGE BECOMING A MIDDLE NAME OR A LAST NAME. I simply want to totally destroy the first name that I detest because I do not want it at all.
TMS: You sound very angry about it, and I feel the same way. It just infuriates me. Nothing against my parents - but I sure wish they had THOUGHT about it before they named me. Some people obviously don’t care. I do, and it drives me nuts. Stupid, stupid laws that don’t let you decide WHICH of the two given names to use in applications and accounts.
March 2nd, 2007 at 8:17 am
I am going through a different situation, and I would like to drop my middle name and use my maiden name as my middle name. Is that a huge process or is it just a matter of changing my drivers license to reflect that? Would this be a really big deal to do? Can anyone on here offer some advice? Would my SS card have to be changed?
Thanks,
-Tonda
TMS: According to the folks at the Tennessee Dept. of Safety - dropping the middle name is no problem. And getting my social security card changed was one of the easiest parts of the process. They just ask what name you want on your card - and that’s what they put on it. I don’t think you’ll have any trouble dropping your middle name and using your maiden name as your middle.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I’m going to have to agree with Terrell and Lyn and join the small majority that likes middle names. My first name is okay, but it’s unisex and sometimes a surname. My last name is usually a female first name and so I always used to get called [last name] [first name]. I’m only fourteen, so I haven’t had any problems going by my middle name yet, but I think I’ll probably change it legally in the future.
I happen to be a middle sib too, by the way.
Middle of three girls, though.
April 2nd, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Carol, thank you for sharing. I found this website because I’ve always been known by my middle name, Teresa and I finally decided I wanted to switch my middle name and first name. My given name is Maria Teresa, I want to change it to Teresa Maria. I have horrible stories about always having to fight fraudulent credit reports. With Maria as a first name and a very popular last name, about 1,000,000 people have the same name. Do you think I will need to file a court order? I live in CA.
April 2nd, 2007 at 9:58 pm
I have a better suggestion for you Teresa. Just totally chop off the first name that you don’t use. Yes you will have to get a court order to do this.
TMS: I still get angry when I think someone can drop the middle name with no trouble whatsoever. However, try to drop the first name, and a court order is necessary. And some people STILL think it is okay to call kids by their middle name without even considering the royal pain in the butt it is for the kid.
April 17th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
My name is Maria Theresa also, Through out school and college my family and friends of the family call me Tess (some call me Maritess) and friends from school and work call me Maria, it was like I had an alias. My mom however is Maria Corazon (Maria is a very common first name in the Philippines, I have a few cousins with Maria as their first names but don’t use it, plus they don’t make a big deal over it there, when she moved to the US she didn’t think how it would be any different, hence my name) On her dl it’s just Corazon, on her ss card it’s Maria Corazon and at work it’s Ma Corazon(funny, how that was possible). I don’t want to get a court order and totally erase my first name because that’s what I was given and like it, I just want to make things simpler for ME! I tried to change my dl in NJ with Theresa as my first name, but guess how that turned out.
Now that I moved to Virginia (away from my family) I just want EVERYONE to call me Tess. It is so frustrating. Almost everyone at work call me Tess, except for people that don’t know me and HR because all my paperwork and my email say Maria T. I don’t even bother at OB’s office (I’m 7 months preg), since I see a different receptionist or nurse every time I go there.
I am reluctant to change dl over to VA, because of some chance that I can find a loop hole. But chances are that I’m going to have to forfeit my first name. So rest assure that I WILL NOT have my boy go through that!
July 14th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Dear Carol,
I am a Barbara Ann that has always been called Ann. My family has a tradition of this for at least 3 generations, and I’ve never minded the different set up.
My grandmother was named Helen Almyra and they had little girl go by Almyra! No wonder she was a cranky woman!
Do we know where the tradition started?
Thank you! Ann