Four-year-old Sunshine has been thinking aobut life and death issues lately - literally.  My daughter has been concerned about helping Sunshine understand about heaven and God.   Here’s what she wrote to our family:

Sunshine has been a little obsessed with death recently and very concerned as to when everyone is going to die.   Yesterday I was talking to my dad on the phone and when I hung up she said, “Who was that?”  I told her, “Paw-Paw”.   She said,  ”I miss Paw-Paw.  I don’t want him to die.”   I said, “Baby he isn’t going to die.”  She explained, “Yes he will die next since he is the biggest of us and then Grandma Carol since she is the next biggest.”   I thought it was tender how concerned she was and how matter of fact she was that everyone died in order.

Anyway, a couple of days ago she was also discussing death and how she didn’t want anyone to die and I explained that if someone died they would go to heaven and be with God.  They would still be with us but not physically and that they would watch over us.   Anyway, she then says, “God is a monster then. I don’t like him.”

Shocked I said, “Why?”  She said, “Cause he kills people and takes them away to heaven.”   Anyway, I was lost for words and obviously my explanation of heaven and death was not good enough.   I did slightly convice her it wasn’t God’s fault people died, but anyway I felt completely inadequate to explain it all to her.”

So what do you think?  How do you explain such things to a four-year old?

I got home from work today, and RT arrived about ten minutes later.  As he walked into the room, he said, “I have some sad news.”

“What?”‘

“Horace killed himself.”

Stunned is the only word to describe how I felt.  Horace.  The salt of the earth pillar of our church.  He and Betty met at our church over 50 years ago.  They dated and got married 48 years ago.  They’ve been the family that occupies the second pew of the church every single Sunday since RT and I first started attending there two years ago.   We were just at their house for a bonfire, weiner roast and hayride four days ago.  Horace had had a stroke a couple months ago and had recovered but was not himself.  He was on medication and seemed depressed.  I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that he’d died from a stroke . . . but from killing himself?  No way!

But it was true.  Horace shot himself this afternoon in his backyard.  Betty came home from a luncheon with friends and found him.  He was in his early 70’s.  Betty told us that he had seen his father become completely dependent on others after a stroke - tied to a bed, unable to communicate with anyone  and pulling against the restraints despite the stroke -  and Horace had sworn he would never be like that. 

Sometimes it’s the little things that stick in your mind.  This morning Horace shelled some lima beans that Betty had picked from their garden.  Later, she showed me the bowl of lima beans - still soaking in water in the refrigerator.  Betty believes that what happened was that Horace realized he was having another stroke - the main symptom of his earlier stroke had been an incredible headache.  He was putting in a mailbox for a neighbor but stopped midway and came home.  From her observations when she found him and from talking to the people who saw him last, she feels that the pain he was experiencing and the realization that he was having another stroke and that he might end up like his father  caused him to make a rushed decision not to allow himself to become an invalid, dependent on others for his every need.  He was a proud and capable man - accustomed to hard physical work every day.  He had to do something while he was still able.

So now two little 9-year old twins no longer have their PawPaw.  A wife has lost her husband of 48 years, and two young adults no longer have their father.  We spent a good chunk of the evening visiting with Betty.  She kept crying that she never imagined a life without Horace.  We talked about what a wonderful man he had been.  When we had a volunteer tomato plant start growing among the rocks near our barn, Horace came over and put a wire cage around it to protect it.  The tomato plant is now covered with tomatoes - even into November.  

You never know when life will change.  Horace lived a wonderful life and did so many good things for other people.  I don’t blame him for the decision he made today.  He was sick, in pain and saw no other way out.  I can only imagine the agony he was in to do something so totally uncharacteristic.  I might do the same thing if I had been in his position.  God rest his soul  - and be with his family.

RT and I have been especially appreciative of each other tonight.  Life is short.  We’ve already gone through so much, and we’re determined to cherish every minute we have together.  Life is too short.

Yesterday afternoon, I went through a two-hour refresher course on CPR. It included how to use an AED. Until yesterday, I had NO idea what an AED was. The letters stand for automatic external defibrillator. What an incredible machine! Although my last CPR refresher course was just a few years ago, the AED has changed the process. CPR is still done the same way, but if you have an AED, it makes it much easier. The machine literally tells you how to use it. Another part of yesterday’s training was to go over the Heimlich maneuver, and that made me think of Roger who died last week from choking on a sandwich. As I did the maneuver on the mannequin yesterday, I kept thinking of Roger’s death - what an absolute fluke that he was all alone at the time - and how it has changed Patti’s life. Patti called soon after I got home, and we talked for awhile. I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything to help her except listen when her grief gets too much to bear. I grilled myself a steak for dinner — and after watching the video in the class that showed a man choking on a steak, I ate more carefully than I ever have.

I just got off the phone from talking to my best friend, Patti. Patti is near my age — a few years younger - in her early fifties. We got to know each other in our church’s singles group, and have been good friends for six or seven years. We’ve seen each other through ups and downs, through various moves, various relationships, and we’ve sat together and boohooed over lost loves. Last year, though, she met Roger, and they had been together since then. I remember the first time I met Roger. All he could talk about was how wonderful and beautiful Patti is. I was so happy for her because she SO deserved having a good relationship where the guy really appreciated her. He danced, too - a definite plus in the boyfriend department. They spent this past weekend together, and last night, after watching the Titans game together at Patti’s house, Roger left to go back to his house. Patti got the call from Roger’s sister today - Roger apparently got up this morning and was eating a sandwich — and died. They don’t know if he had a heart attack or if he choked on the sandwich. Either way - he’s gone. His sister found him about six hours later.

Life is short. There are no guarantees.

Later note: The official cause of death was choking. He died eating a grilled cheese sandwich. He had knocked over a chair — apparently trying to do the self-Heimlich maneuver.