Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Paul Harvey – Swallowing teeth – and dumb crooks

Monday, February 26th, 2007

On the way to work this morning, I listened to the 7:30 broadcast of Paul Harvey.  In it he gave two stories that had me laughing.

In the first, a woman went to the hospital complaining of a stomach ache from unknown causes.  Turns out that in a moment of passion (?) she swallowed her partner’s false teeth!   All I can say is that the moment of passion must’ve been quite spectacular.  But what’s with the “unknown causes” thing?  You can’t swallow false teeth without knowing it!  Can you?

In the second story, a young man decided that he would rob his grandparents.  Really – to even think of doing that, he’d have to be fairly stupid.  He got a costume and mask so they wouldn’t recognize him.  He went into the house and demanded, “I want your money!”  Apparently, they weren’t fast enough because he followed his demand with, “I mean it, PaPaw!”

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Jake – the wonder lush dog

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

RT declared weeks ago that when the new house was finally “dried in” we would celebrate with a bottle of wine.  I can think of better ways to celebrate, but that’s what RT wanted to do.  So that was fine with me.

This past Saturday was our celebration.  The house was officially dried in with tar paper on the roof.  Although the roof shingles weren’t added until Sunday and Monday, the tar paper was enough to dry it in.  The rain could pour down, and the inside of our house would remain dry.

On Saturday I was recovering from strep throat, and the thought of sipping wine was definitely not something that appealed to me.  So I had RT pour only a couple of sips into the glass for me.  RT insisted it must be a whole family celebration.  So he poured a few drops of wine in Jake’s dish, and a few drops in Tripper’s dish.  Tripper is our cat.   Tripper licked the few drops unenthusiastically and left to explore outside.

Jake, however, has definite lush tendencies.  he sniffed the wine and then licked it tentatively.  You could almost see the wheels in his brain turning.  “Hmm this is interesting.  Let me try a little more.”  And he licked some more.  Soon it was all gone.  Jake looked at RT as if to say, “I want more.”  RT poured a little more in his dish.  Jake licked every drop.  RT and I were laughing as we watched him lick every inch of the bowl over and over to make sure he got every single molecule possible.  Then he looked up at RT expectantly - more?  Nope.  No more wine for Jake – our little lushy dog.

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Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman offer marriage advice in two words: Naked Sunday

Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

Newlyweds (if people are still “newlywed” after one year of marriage) Christina Aguilera and her husband, Jordan Bratman, have apparently found the secret to a happy marriage: Naked Sunday.  In an interview with Ellen Degeneres, Christina told all about it:

By Stephen M. Silverman

Christina Aguilera and her music exec husband Jordan Bratman have a sexy secret for keeping their marriage exciting – getting naked on Sundays.

“We claim ourselves to be coziest couple ever,” the 26-year-old Grammy nominee (for her Back to Basics album) tells Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show Wednesday. “We have something called naked Sundays.”

“Excuse me?” DeGeneres asks. “Did you say naked Sundays?”

“You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up,” says Aguilera, admitting that some added heat is required even though the two have only been married for “a big whole year.”

“[In November] we just celebrated our first anniversary, and on Sundays we just do everything in the house, and we’re just cozy and laid back,” she says. “We don’t need to go anywhere, we’re just with each other.” We do everything naked. We cook naked.”

DeGeneres suggests there is one thing they should avoid during their nude time: “Nothing with grease – that could splatter.”

But Aguilera isn’t deterred, saying: “Well, unless you want the grease.”

You know, I really appreciate it when enlightened Hollywood folks who know so much about real life can help us regular people out.  I remember those young newlywed days, and they WERE quite thrilling.  They don’t last, and that’s a GOOD thing because they can be replaced with days that are even better.  Different but better.

But, oh Christina honey, I could tell you a thing or two about marriage.  It takes a lot  more than Naked Sundays to keep a marriage alive, to spice up a relationship and to make people happy.

But I have a feeling you’ll learn for yourself about what makes a real marriage – someday. 

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This meeting isn’t over until I say it’s over!

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

I was at a church meeting last night.  It wasn’t a long meeting, but it had been a long day and because of a potluck supper, the meeting hadn’t started until a little after 8:00. 

The “pastor’s report” was the last item on the agenda, and he didn’t get started on that until around 8:40.  Around 8:45, one of the more “outspoken” members interrupted the pastor mid-sentence and said loudly, “Is the meeting over?  I’m tired and want to go home!”

Nervous laugher.  That remark and interruption certainly crossed the boundary between politeness and rudeness.  I was stunned that someone would be so obnoxious in the middle of a church meeting. She could have just slipped out of the meeting quietly, but instead she chose to make a scene about it.

The pastor said sternly, “This meeting isn’t over until I say it’s over!”

Pause. As someone who hates conflict, my heart was pounding.  I sure didn’t want to be in the middle of a confrontation.

Then the pastor said, “It’s over.”

Relieved laughter followed.  The pastor had handled the situation perfectly.  He diffused the anxiety.  The meeting broke up, and we all gathered our notes and the dishes from the dinner and went home.

I wonder if the rude person realizes how obnoxious and disrespectful she was?  She sat directly across the table from RT and me, and earlier in the meeting she had made several other negative remarks out loud and under her breath.  RT and I were discussing it on the way home.  I told him that she’d probably end up being one of those church members who gets upset about some little non-issue and leaves the church.  Time will tell.

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Are your people going to nominate Hillary?

Sunday, January 21st, 2007

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he
waited to be seated, he noticed that the maitre d’ was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said,”Sir, there is a one hour
wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if
you please.”

Intrigued, the man said, “OK.”

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, “Sir, what is
your IQ?”

The man answered, “Oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The
man was most impressed.

The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked,”What is your IQ, sir?”

This time the man answered, “Oh, about 100”.

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest
basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he
returned. Again the robot asked the question,
“What is your IQ?”

This time the man drawled out,” Uh…..’bout 50.”

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
“A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

(Hat-tip Don and Dorothy)

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Third Grade Wisdom on Attaining Double-Digit Status: I want to be a “person billionaire”

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

Lisa, a rather precocious third grader, walked into my room this morning and announced that tomorrow was her birthday and that she would finally reach the status of being “double-digits.”  I asked what she looked forward to most about being double-digits.

“When I’m double-digits, I will get to be a pre-teen, and I get to try out for cheerleader.  Then I can save up and be a kid billionaire, and when I grow up I’ll be a person billionaire.”

Are they paying pre-teen cheerleaders now?     I’ve been double-digits for 48 years now, and it hasn’t helped me become a billionaire.  However, I was never a cheerleader.  Perhaps that’s where I went wrong.

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Martin Luther King Jr’s Birthday – or King Arthur’s birthday

Monday, January 15th, 2007

Today is the day we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday and his contribution to not only American society, but to mankind. 

On this day every year I always think of an incident that happened back in the 1970’s at the little rural school where I first taught.  Back then, there wasn’t a holiday to celebrate MLK’s birthday.  So if a family chose to keep their children home from school to celebrate the occasion, they had to send a note to school explaining the absence. 

Here is the text of a note that one third grader brought to school from his parents:

Please excuse _____’s absence yesterday because we were celebrating King Arthur’s birthday.

I saw it with my own eyes.  The family had the general idea, if not the specifics. 

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A little humor at the expense of Democrats

Saturday, January 13th, 2007

Over at Pirate’s Cove, William Teach has provided a little Saturday humor – at the expense of Democrats.  Here’s a taste to whet your appetite. 

-They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. On the way, he got bogged down. When he got there he didn’t know where he was or have any idea what to do. And it was all done on a government grant.

– Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

There’s lots more.  Click on over to enjoy them all.

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If “Friends” Were Filmed in Tennessee

Wednesday, January 10th, 2007

I found this on the Phil Valentine website.  Being a Tennessean, I can laugh at our sterotypes.  My favorite is the “Go Vols” t-sirt.  What do you think?



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Quotes about brothers, sisters (siblings) and family

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

Since I’m looking for something to put on the top right of the header on this blog, I’ve read a lot of great quotes about siblings and family lately.  I wanted to share some of them here.  I found most of them at Quote Garden.

Quotations are great for condensing wisdom, humor and/or insight into a few words.  Forgive this long list, but read them all!  They’re so good…and so true:

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.  ~Susan Scarf Merrell

Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago – the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider…. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we’ve traveled.  ~Jane Mersky Leder 

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other’s hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega

If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.  ~Linda Sunshine

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden.  ~Author Unknown

The family.  We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.  ~Erma Bombeck

Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others.  Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family.  Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.  ~Paul Pearshall

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable – each segment distinct.  ~Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Family faces are magic mirrors.  Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.  ~Gail Lumet Buckley

The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit.  No two people – no mere father and mother – as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child.  He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.  ~Pearl S.

I’m a rose in the family garden.  A few thorns here and there, but singular, sweet and not too hard on the eyes.   ~The Median Sib

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