Four-year-old Sunshine has been thinking aobut life and death issues lately - literally.  My daughter has been concerned about helping Sunshine understand about heaven and God.   Here’s what she wrote to our family:

Sunshine has been a little obsessed with death recently and very concerned as to when everyone is going to die.   Yesterday I was talking to my dad on the phone and when I hung up she said, “Who was that?”  I told her, “Paw-Paw”.   She said,  ”I miss Paw-Paw.  I don’t want him to die.”   I said, “Baby he isn’t going to die.”  She explained, “Yes he will die next since he is the biggest of us and then Grandma Carol since she is the next biggest.”   I thought it was tender how concerned she was and how matter of fact she was that everyone died in order.

Anyway, a couple of days ago she was also discussing death and how she didn’t want anyone to die and I explained that if someone died they would go to heaven and be with God.  They would still be with us but not physically and that they would watch over us.   Anyway, she then says, “God is a monster then. I don’t like him.”

Shocked I said, “Why?”  She said, “Cause he kills people and takes them away to heaven.”   Anyway, I was lost for words and obviously my explanation of heaven and death was not good enough.   I did slightly convice her it wasn’t God’s fault people died, but anyway I felt completely inadequate to explain it all to her.”

So what do you think?  How do you explain such things to a four-year old?

To be honest, before I read about National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, I had never even heard of memory screening.  I also didn’t realize that there were things a person could do to decrease the chances of getting Alzheimer’s.  Since I know a couple people who suffer from Alzheimer’s, and since I’ve seen how difficult it is for both the person and the person’s family and friends, I was immediately interested in learning more.

Since November is National Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, I’ve been reading up on it.  Alzheimer’s disease is one disease that probably scares me more than any other.  The idea of losing my memory is scary.  I checked the National Memory Screening webiste and found all sorts of interesting information about Alzheimer’s disease and other related illnesses.  The section on “successful aging” was a good one to find out what to do to help lower my chances of having Alzheimer’s.  The site also has a list of who should be screened: 

Memory screenings make sense for anyone concerned about memory loss or experiencing warning signs of dementia; whose family and friends have noticed changes in them; or who believe they are at risk due to a family history of Alzheimer’s disease or a related illness. Screenings also are appropriate for anyone who does not have a concern right now, but who wants to establish a base line score for comparison in the future.

A baseline score - that’s a good idea.  The site provides a list of memory screening locations.  You can click on the link to find one near you. 

Why should a person have a memory screening?  The simple answer is that if Alzheimer’s disease is indicated, there are steps that one can follow to help control it.  Among them are to exercise daily, maintain a social network of friends, participate in regular mental exercise, limit alcohol consumption and take certain vitamins.

Researchers are seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s - and that’s important.  Also important is ensuring quality care for people who suffer from the disease.  You can make a contribution to the Alzheimer’s Foundation.  It would make a great holiday gift.  You can also follow the suggetions for “successful aging” to decrease your own chances of having Alzheimer’s.

At an a Quantum Learning workshop today, the presenter, Liesl, said something that made an impression on me.  She said: “Multi-tasking is a myth.  People can only attend to one new task at a time.” It’s a good quote.  Everybody seems to go around thinking they can do several things at once, and you really can’t.  One task at a time.  That’s all any of us can do.

We have been in our new home for about two weeks, and we have unpacked none of the boxes that contain books.  So when I was at WalMart the other day, I looked for a couple magazines to buy so we’d have some things to read.  I saw the magazine, Real Simple, on the stands.  “Ah,” I thought, “that will be perfect.”  You know - we have a new house out in the country.  The simple life sounds wonderful.  This magazine would have some articles that would help in making this home the simple and calming place we want it to be.   It seemed a little strange that a magazine about living simply would be so big, but I bought it nonetheless.

What silliness!  It is a huge magazine - thick and oversized - almost 400 pages (396 to be exact).  And I’d be willing to bet that at least 300 of those pages are advertisements.  As a matter of fact, one gets to page 31 before the first article appears.  The first 30 pages are ads and table-of-contents type stuff.   Titles of articles are run-of-the-mill stuff like “Updos for holidays or Monday,” “The best cleaning tools,” “A survival guide to cold-and-flu season,” “Five Easy Dinners,” etc.  Same old, same old.  Where is the information about living simply?  I may as well be reading Family Circle or Woman’s Day. 

I feel cheated that I spent over four bucks for a magazine of ads.  I can now understand why so many people stand in the store and read the magazine before buying it.  Looking at the Real Simple website, I see that a yearly subscription runs around $24.   You’d be better off spending the money on a couple good books or on a nice potted plant.  Those would be the real simple pleasures.

I didn’t plan to write a slamming post about this magazine, but everytime I see that big old monstrosity of a magazine sitting there on the coffee table, I feel duped.  It’s nothing but a typical women’s magazine but with about double the size and triple the ads.  Yuck!  It is definitely trash-can-bound.

Recently there was a report of the five least sexiest women.  The list included Amy Winehouse, Brittney Spears, Madonna, Sandra Oh, and Sarah Jessica Parker.  Since “Sex and the City” is one of my all time favorite TV shows, I just don’t understand how SJP made that list.

Now there is a list of the least sexiest men.  They named eleven men.  Ben Stiller, Howard Stern, and Simon Cowell were the only ones on the list that I had ever heard of.  OK, I can see Howard Stern being on the list.  And Simon isn’t bad looking.  He’s just obnoxious which is pretty un-sexy.  Ben Stiller, though, is funny.  Ask most any woman and you’ll find that women find that men with a great sense of humor are highly sexy to women.

I could make my own list of un-sexy men.  Michael Moore would be at the top.  I just can’t imagine anyone less sexy.  Perhaps my political and ethical beliefs have something to do with that choice, but I imagine even my friends on the left would agree that there is no potential for sexy there.  And the Democratic guy that ran for president in 2004. . . the Fred Munster look-a-like. . .  what’s his name?  Yes - John Kerry.  Yikes!  Definitely un-sexy.  Okay, outside the political spectrum . . .  Tom Cruise would be near the top of the list - he’s just so . . . creepy. 

Really, though, I think most women - especially women who are past the teeny-bopper stage of life - look further than a man’s outward looks.  Personality, sense of humor, that indefinable “chemistry” one feels for someone.  A man that is totally unsexy to one woman might be incredibly sexy to another.  And THAT is a good thing!

I was just watching CNN and saw a promo for a show about “The noose as a symbol of American hatred.”  How stupid.  Why not have a knife or a gun or a stick or a pipe or a spitball or any of a million things that people use as weapons against someone they hate.  You can select just about any object, and it has been used for ill will towards someone else.  The noose is definitely a symbol of something awful - hanging someone is terrible.  It was used by some racists against the racial group they hated.  However, it isn’t a symbol of racial hatred.  That’s ridiculous.

Unfortunately, hatred is something that people do.  We wish it weren’t so, but it’s true nevertheless.   Are we to do away with nooses as a prop for Halloween ghouls?  Should old western movies that show a noose hanging from a tree be banned now?  Should we push legislation to criminalize anything that has ever been used to show racial hatred?

Similarly, consider the words “nigger” and “fag.”  Sure, they’re reprehensible words.  So are the words “ho” “redneck” “honky” “jap” “wetback” “fuck” “fat” “skinny”, to name just a few.  Just because they’re reprehensible words doesn’t mean that people who use them should be charged with crimes.  Using such language is in bad taste and it is unkind, but it isn’t against the law.   For that matter, perhaps we should ban speech altogether. No telling when someone might utter a word that someone else might consider hateful or hurtful.  The jury of public opinion will curb hate speech of all kinds - not the court system.

Another “symbol” that has been vilified to the point where it is banned in certain places is the Confederate flag. It’s getting ridiculous. I won’t even get into all the positive things that came out of the Confederate states. Slavery was something that only a very small percentage of the wealthy could afford. Many, MANY white Southerners fought against slavery. Many MANY white Southerners knew that slavery was wrong and they worked to end it.  White people are not the enemies of the black people, and black people are not the enemies of white people.  We all are God’s creatures, and the sky is blue above all of us.

I’m tired of people like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton making racial issues out of everything - to their own advantage.   Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are two of the most blatant racists in our world today.  Everything they say and do is all about white against black and black against white.   They are black, though, so they get a pass on their racial words and actions.  They are so color-driven, they can’t see anything else.  The amusing thing is that the ONLY slur that won’t be tolerated from a black person is a gay slur.  i.e. Isaiah Washington. 

Some day people are going to wake up to the fact that we’re all people, and we’re all in this together. All this racial hyping is hurting everyone.

I got home from work today, and RT arrived about ten minutes later.  As he walked into the room, he said, “I have some sad news.”

“What?”‘

“Horace killed himself.”

Stunned is the only word to describe how I felt.  Horace.  The salt of the earth pillar of our church.  He and Betty met at our church over 50 years ago.  They dated and got married 48 years ago.  They’ve been the family that occupies the second pew of the church every single Sunday since RT and I first started attending there two years ago.   We were just at their house for a bonfire, weiner roast and hayride four days ago.  Horace had had a stroke a couple months ago and had recovered but was not himself.  He was on medication and seemed depressed.  I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that he’d died from a stroke . . . but from killing himself?  No way!

But it was true.  Horace shot himself this afternoon in his backyard.  Betty came home from a luncheon with friends and found him.  He was in his early 70’s.  Betty told us that he had seen his father become completely dependent on others after a stroke - tied to a bed, unable to communicate with anyone  and pulling against the restraints despite the stroke -  and Horace had sworn he would never be like that. 

Sometimes it’s the little things that stick in your mind.  This morning Horace shelled some lima beans that Betty had picked from their garden.  Later, she showed me the bowl of lima beans - still soaking in water in the refrigerator.  Betty believes that what happened was that Horace realized he was having another stroke - the main symptom of his earlier stroke had been an incredible headache.  He was putting in a mailbox for a neighbor but stopped midway and came home.  From her observations when she found him and from talking to the people who saw him last, she feels that the pain he was experiencing and the realization that he was having another stroke and that he might end up like his father  caused him to make a rushed decision not to allow himself to become an invalid, dependent on others for his every need.  He was a proud and capable man - accustomed to hard physical work every day.  He had to do something while he was still able.

So now two little 9-year old twins no longer have their PawPaw.  A wife has lost her husband of 48 years, and two young adults no longer have their father.  We spent a good chunk of the evening visiting with Betty.  She kept crying that she never imagined a life without Horace.  We talked about what a wonderful man he had been.  When we had a volunteer tomato plant start growing among the rocks near our barn, Horace came over and put a wire cage around it to protect it.  The tomato plant is now covered with tomatoes - even into November.  

You never know when life will change.  Horace lived a wonderful life and did so many good things for other people.  I don’t blame him for the decision he made today.  He was sick, in pain and saw no other way out.  I can only imagine the agony he was in to do something so totally uncharacteristic.  I might do the same thing if I had been in his position.  God rest his soul  - and be with his family.

RT and I have been especially appreciative of each other tonight.  Life is short.  We’ve already gone through so much, and we’re determined to cherish every minute we have together.  Life is too short.

In Sunday School today, one of the class members talked about what his mother told him when he was growing up.  She always told him, ‘The sky is blue above everyone.”  The man grew up in Iran, as a Muslim.  As he was growing up he said that even though his mother was a “hardcore Muslim” she said it was up to him to choose his own religion.  Apparently he eventually chose Christianity.  He calls the USA his home now - he’s been here for over thirty years.  He talked of how the Iran shown on TV is not the same Iran that he still occasionally visits.  He talked of Muslim, Jews, and Christians living together in harmony.  In Iran?  Yes, he said, in Iran.

I don’t know about Iran and whether or not Christians, Jews and Muslims can live together peaceably there.  I DO know that the sky IS indeed blue for everyone the world over.

I started this post several months ago but never got around to finishing it until now.

Sophisticated Writer had a post entitled A Letter to 1995 Me.  The idea of writing about the wisdom gained from life experience appealed to me.  If I could go back and give my 1995 self some advice, what would it be?  Hindsight is 20/20, and I’ve learned some lessons since 1995.  Here’s what I would tell the 1995 Carol:

Stop obsessing about your weight.  It’s not worth your mental and physical energy.  Accept yourself as you are and set your mind on the important things in life.  Do what you want to.  If you lose weight because you stop obsessing about it, great.  If not, you’re no worse off than before.  And whatever you do, do NOT start taking those stupid diet pills.  They will just mess up your metabolism and wreak havoc on your body.  Sure, you will get a few years of being thinner out of them, but the price will be too much in terms of your long-term health.

Go see a good counselor about the marriage issues.  Now.  Don’t worry about the expense and don’t worry if you have to go by yourself.   It’s not healthy to not talk about things that bother you.  Who knows - maybe if you go to counseling, the marriage might last and you won’t have to go through a divorce.  But even if it doesn’t save the marriage, at least you’ll be saner during the process.

Take dancing lessons.  It’s something you’ve always wanted to do.  So what if you have to go alone.  It’s better to enjoy life by yourself than to have a partner in misery.

Go ahead and finish your dissertation. Now.  Make it a priority rather than spending your energy on something that can’t be fixed right now.  If you put it off too long, it’ll be too late, and all your coursework and qualifying exams will have been for nothing.  You go past the deadline - and the only way to get the doctorate is to start all over again.

Most of all - do NOT marry anyone unless you are in love with him.  He can’t “love you enough for both of you.”  If he drives you nuts before marriage, he will drive you even more nuts afterwards.  (This refers to my very brief second marriage in which I married simply because I knew the guy would always love me and that there wouldn’t be all the drama I experienced in my other two significant relationships - and also because I figured marrying “for love” hadn’t worked out in my first marriage, and the love thing hadn’t worked out with the guy I had dated seriously while I was divorced.  So why not go for someone who would always love me and someone who wouldn’t be a drama-king in the relationship?  I found that a marriage not based on mutual love doesn’t work.)

There really are only a few things I regret in my life - my second marriage,  not finishing my doctorate, and the fact that I still obsess over my weight.  I guess that’s not too bad for 58 years of living.

I think it would be helpful to write to my 2017 self.  What would I want to tell myself in ten years?  That’s an endeavor for another day.

Yesterday afternoon, I went through a two-hour refresher course on CPR. It included how to use an AED. Until yesterday, I had NO idea what an AED was. The letters stand for automatic external defibrillator. What an incredible machine! Although my last CPR refresher course was just a few years ago, the AED has changed the process. CPR is still done the same way, but if you have an AED, it makes it much easier. The machine literally tells you how to use it. Another part of yesterday’s training was to go over the Heimlich maneuver, and that made me think of Roger who died last week from choking on a sandwich. As I did the maneuver on the mannequin yesterday, I kept thinking of Roger’s death - what an absolute fluke that he was all alone at the time - and how it has changed Patti’s life. Patti called soon after I got home, and we talked for awhile. I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything to help her except listen when her grief gets too much to bear. I grilled myself a steak for dinner — and after watching the video in the class that showed a man choking on a steak, I ate more carefully than I ever have.