Yesterday, I started going back through all my previous posts on this blog. I was looking for topics that I would want to write more about. The Median Sib turns 10 years old this year! I started it in September 2005. I thought I had written more introspective, thoughtful posts. There were a few. I had lots of posts about things that happened when I was teaching. I wrote about trips, visiting family, babysitting the grand girls, books I had read, quotes I liked, television shows I watched. I was into the “Thursday Thirteen,” and “Sunday Seven” type of memes which were really just ways to write about unimportant things. I started another Blogspot blog called “The Reading Teacher.” Apparently I deleted that entire blog because that domain is used by someone else now. I wrote lots of political posts, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I wrote a bunch of “junk” posts about various products that paid me to write about them. I once had dreams of making money from blogging, and I did make some money – but nothing at all significant. Certainly not enough to make the fake excitement about a product I didn’t care about worth the effort.

There were 97 pages in the list of blog posts. 1,912 total posts (counting this one). For the most part, I just glanced at the post titles and realized that my titles were often unclear and indicated very little about the contents of the post. However, despite all the negatives, it was fun to re-read some of the posts. It helped me remember some small incidences that I’d forgotten. I remember being highly offended when Ron and other friends and family didn’t rush to read my blog each time I posted.

I started this blog a year after I divorced Doug – and a year before Ron and I remarried. So the first posts were during some of my single years. It was also during a rather dark time in my life. I married Doug because of twisted thinking. I knew I didn’t love him, but he said he loved me enough to make up for that. I had loved Ron, and I had loved Robert – and those two relationships hadn’t worked out. So I figured I’d try something different. I learned that one person can’t love enough to make up for the lack of feelings in someone else. Doug was a really good man, and I treated him badly. I’m thankful that he has now found someone that can return his love – and I hope the two of them will remain together and happy. I thank God that Robert and I never got married – because I believe that relationship was similar to the relationship I had with Doug. Robert loved me in his own way – but not in the way I wanted to be loved. I don’t think I would’ve been happy married to him.

But when I started The Median Sib, I was still reeling from the stress of ending my marriage to Doug. I felt like such a failure. I remember times when I’d hole up in my little apartment for an entire weekend – going inside when I got home from work on Friday afternoon and not emerging again until I left for work on Monday morning. Sleeping, watching TV, just sitting there. That was when Larisa and Joey did an “intervention.” They came to my apartment together, sat down and said we needed to talk. They were sweet – and concerned about my behavior – marrying Doug and then leaving him less than a year later – just generally depressed and senseless behavior. And I slowly worked my way through that depression. I remember when they came in and sat down and said they wanted to talk, I knew immediately what they were doing. I needed that wake-up call to realize that my depression was affecting more than just me. It also made me love and appreciate my two children even more – that they would risk confronting me about what I was doing. Good kids.

In the back of my mind, I always thought that I had deeper writing in The Median Sib. However, after looking through all the posts last night and today, I see that, for the most part, it was shallow and superficial. Lots of meaningless cutesy stuff. It was more of a diary and general stream of consciousness writing than a thoughtful commentary. And . . . that’s okay. That’s where I was at the time.

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