The Median Sib

Okay — I KNOW this has made the email rounds numerous times. It’s still funny, though. So I will post it here for your enjoyment.

Q. I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Hopefully, this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming ……..
“WOO HOO! What a Ride!”

I had my yearly physical today. I had put it off for as long as I could. Going to the doctor is second only to going to the dentist on my list of things I hate to do. But I went. I had written down some things to cover with the doctor, and we systematically went through the list. I always feel pretty upbeat when I visit the doctor - maybe it’s part of the “put on a happy face” mentality that I’ve always had. I bop along the halls at school like I’m the happiest person on earth. Having that happy face is good most of the time, but I decided it was time to take off the happy face and be honest. I’m depressed - have been for several years - I’m doing better than I was two years ago when it was at its worst, but still not good. Most days I come home from work and hibernate at home until I go to work the next day. I don’t get out and do things with my friends because I have gained weight…and we’re not talking about just a few pounds. There have been weekends when I’ve gotten home from work on Friday afternoon and haven’t left the house again until I go to work on Monday morning. Sitting alone at home, day after day, doing little besides watching tv and eating, is not a good thing. Since talking to a counselor and trying to make myself get out and do things have not worked for me, The doctor and I discussed my trying a “mild” antidepressant, and so that’s what I’m going to do. I feel hopeful that it will help. I know that at heart I’m an optimistic and outgoing person. The past four years have thrown some fairly serious emotional punches at me - and maybe this will be what I need to get back to my old self.