The Median Sib

Okay — I KNOW this has made the email rounds numerous times. It’s still funny, though. So I will post it here for your enjoyment.

Q. I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO … Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Hopefully, this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming ……..
“WOO HOO! What a Ride!”

I had my yearly physical today. I had put it off for as long as I could. Going to the doctor is second only to going to the dentist on my list of things I hate to do. But I went. I had written down some things to cover with the doctor, and we systematically went through the list. I always feel pretty upbeat when I visit the doctor - maybe it’s part of the “put on a happy face” mentality that I’ve always had. I bop along the halls at school like I’m the happiest person on earth. Having that happy face is good most of the time, but I decided it was time to take off the happy face and be honest. I’m depressed - have been for several years - I’m doing better than I was two years ago when it was at its worst, but still not good. Most days I come home from work and hibernate at home until I go to work the next day. I don’t get out and do things with my friends because I have gained weight…and we’re not talking about just a few pounds. There have been weekends when I’ve gotten home from work on Friday afternoon and haven’t left the house again until I go to work on Monday morning. Sitting alone at home, day after day, doing little besides watching tv and eating, is not a good thing. Since talking to a counselor and trying to make myself get out and do things have not worked for me, The doctor and I discussed my trying a “mild” antidepressant, and so that’s what I’m going to do. I feel hopeful that it will help. I know that at heart I’m an optimistic and outgoing person. The past four years have thrown some fairly serious emotional punches at me - and maybe this will be what I need to get back to my old self.

I started a new blog tonight - The Reading Teacher. It will be the site for information on teaching reading, book recommendations, lesson plans and reading strategies. I’ll post my monthly reading newsletter there, too. There isn’t much there right now, and it’ll be Wednesday before I can put some time into it. But just give me a few days. I’ve got big plans for it!

I’ve pondered for awhile about what to do with family names since this blog is a public venue. One doesn’t want to provide too much personal information while still being able to write about activities and people freely. I’ve decided to call everyone by their nicknames. My daughter will be Stinkeroo and my son will be Scalawag - because those are the names that my father gave them when they were little. My oldest granddaughter is Sweet Stuff and my youngest is Sunshine. Problem solved! Now I just have to go back and change all the previous posts!

Got a phone call around 5:00 — part of the family was gathering at Stinkeroo’s home for dinner. PawPaw had prepared spaghetti sauce which he modestly declared “the best you’ve ever tasted” and wanted to share it with everyone. So I was put in charge of buying the bread on my way over to Stinkeroo’s home. I stopped by a convenience market thinking they’d have Italian bread. They didn’t. I bought hot dog buns, figuring I’d put garlic salt and butter on them and toast them, and they’d be just as good — and they were. When I drove up, the girls were in the backyard with PawPaw - playing pirates. They both ran to the fence to greet me. So sweet! Dinner was great. As a bonus, Scalawag showed up right before we left. He was picking up his two dogs that Stinkeroo had dog-sat over the weekend. So I had an unexpectedly enjoyable evening. Sweet Stuff showed off by reading several books for PawPaw and Scalawag who had not heard her read before. The girls had gone to yet another Pumpkin Patch on Sunday and bought more small pumpkins. So I was presented with two lovely pumpkins to take home with me — as were PawPaw and Scalawag. Unplanned evenings can be very enjoyable!

Tonight was my night for reading the news online. I read about Melissa Etheridge’s “admission” that she smoked pot to reduce the side effects of chemotherapy. It is amazing to me that something of that nature would make the news. Why would anyone care what she used to ease the suffering of the cancer and chemotherapy? I hope that if I ever have to deal with cancer and chemotherapy that there will be someone who will help me get marijuana because, in that situation, I would smoke it in a heartbeat. It seems bizarre to me that marijuana is not legal for medicinal use. Drugs that are much more addictive and dangerous are used legally for medical reasons all the time. It would seem the compassionate and yes, Christian, thing to make sure that suffering is alleviated by whatever means we have available.

I was reading the news online and came across an account of The Underpants Run in Hawaii. It’s a “light-hearted” fun run leading up to the celebrated Ironman World Championship. Some might think it’s inappropriate, but I think it sounds great! Not that I’d participate myself, but it’s fun to see others do such things! Here’s a link to the article about The Underpants Run.

I did it. I went camping. It took me less than 15 minutes to put up the tent. The dinner I cooked on my nifty mini-stove was great. I built a great campfire and enjoyed sitting by it and reading my book using my head-light. By 8:45 p.m. it had been dark for two hours, I had read all I wanted to read, and I had enjoyed looking at the campfire and at the big moon above while sipping a mug of chamomille tea. I was tired and sleepy, and I figured it was time to go to sleep. I had selected a nearby state park because it was close to home, and it felt safe. The ranger made several rounds during the afternoon and evening, and there were lots of family groups camping nearby.

And so I went to bed at 8:45 p.m. That’s when I discovered that I didn’t fit my sleeping bag. I had selected my sleeping bag at the store the other day, and the clerk asked me how tall I was. Apparently the sleeping bag came in short, medium, and tall. She said the short one would fit someone up to 5′8″. I’m 5′6″, but I asked for the medium one anyway so I’d have a little extra length. I’m a firm believer in having “free feet” during sleep. She must have picked out the short one instead because it didn’t fit. When I got in the sleeping bag my toes were crammed into the bottom. And when I say they were crammed, I don’t mean they were simply snug. I mean it was doggoned uncomfortable! I knew immediately that I couldn’t sleep that way. Sometimes I can be annoyingly indecisive, and other times I KNOW what I have to do. This time was the latter. I knew there was no way to solve the sleeping bag issue before the next day. There were no nearby blankets to use in lieu of the sleeping bag, it was too cool to simply sleep on top of it, and the night was just beginning.

At 9:01 (16 minutes after I went to bed and discovered that the sleeping bag didn’t fit), I was in my car on the way home! Amazing how quickly one can take down the tent, re-pack the car and be off! Of course I didn’t repack everything neatly in their bags. I just stuffed it all in the car to be sorted, folded and stored away later. I dumped what was left of the bag of ice on the coals of the campfire, checked the area with my head-light, and left. I was home by ten o’clock.

Earlier in the evening, when I was sitting by the campfire, I had made a list of what I needed to do differently next time. The first venture is always the test experience - the time to find out what works and what doesn’t work. I loved my tent. It went up easily and quickly. No problem for one person. Apparently my trial run in my family room the previous evening had helped! I had remembered to bring a hammer for the stakes. I packed pretty well, anticipating what I would need. Next time I’ll bring a broom to sweep the area where the tent goes. All the campsites were surrounded by nut trees (walnuts?) and there were nuts all over the ground. A broom would have been great to clear and smooth out the area before pitching the tent. Another item to take next time is a comfortable camp chair. I brought two little fold-out chairs that I already had - one to sit on and one to prop up my feet. They’re great for a few minutes, but they’re uncomfortable for long periods of time. I would have loved being able to really stretch out and relax and be comfortable by the campfire. Little things - a potholder (a wad of paper towels was fine last night, but a potholder would have been better), a pot with a lid (so I don’t have to be concerned with insects getting into my food and water as they’re heating on the stove). And finally… despite the fact that I can be a wimp about not getting enough sleep, if the sleeping bag had fit, I would have stayed all night and slept okay. However, I think I might get one of those aerobeds — the ones that self-inflate. Since I’ll be doing mostly car camping, it won’t matter that they’re bulky, and if I can sleep well while camping, I’ll feel so much better. So I’m seriously considering adding an aerobed to my list of camping supplies.

Items that were useful/helpful: The head-light was wonderful. It was great for reading, walking to the bathhouse, and for doing things around the camp, and it was perfect to see in the dark as I pulled up the stakes and took down the tent as I prepared to go home. I adjusted it too tightly at first - resulting in a headache. I ended up making it so loose it kept slipping down - but no headache, so I kept it that way. Citronella candles and insect repellant - I had bought a citronella candle bucket that really helped with keeping mosquitoes away. The park is alongside a river, and so the mosquitoes and other insects were plentiful. That mini-stove - just love it! I used it to cook my dinner, and it heated the water for my chamomille tea in just a couple minutes.

So…first camping trip is now under my belt. I didn’t spend the night, but that is insignificant to me. I set up camp, cooked dinner, built a campfire, and did all the things that needed to be done. Most importantly, camping alone no longer intimidates me. It wasn’t scary. It was fun and relaxing. I’ll go again soon…maybe next weekend. It was nice being outside, and the campfire was wonderful. What IS there about a campfire that is so relaxing? The only improvement (other than a longer sleeping bag) would have been to have someone there with me.

At my mother’s the other night, everyone was arriving for the chicken and dumplings dinner that I had so generously offered to prepare - generously offered BEFORE I got there with two preschoolers to manage. What happened is that Mother ended up preparing most of the meal. My only contribution was making the dumplings with Sweet Stuff - resulting in a mess that Mother cleaned up. I’m afraid my visit was not a restful one for my mother. Just as everyone arrived for dinner, Sunshine awakened from her nap and wanted nothing more than for Grandma Carol to hold her. When we sat down to eat, Sunshine sat between Mother (Grandma Ruth) and me - but insisted on holding my hand the entire time. She held my right hand - so I had to eat with my left hand. About halfway through the meal, Sweet Stuff asked me to take her to the bathroom. I asked Sunshine if she wanted to go with us because otherwise I’d have to let go of her hand in order to go to the bathroom with Sweet Stuff . She looked at me, looked at the chicken and dumplings that she was REALLY enjoying. Then she let go of my hand and immediately reached to her other side and held onto Grandma Ruth’s hand and continued eating - effectively swapping one security for another.

The time has come to put my words into action. I bought my tent the other day, and I have all the supplies I need to go camping. Tomorrow will see me venture forth on my first (in a VERY long time) camping trip. In order to prevent myself from being the comical entertainment for an entire campground tomorrow afternoon when I put up my tent, I decided I would practice at home first.

So I brought everything into the family room and pitched the tent in front of the TV. OH. MY. GOODNESS! I am so thankful that I tried it in the privacy of my own home before I did it in public. I can just see the people near me at the campground punching each other and pointing in my direction as I demonstrate my one-person imitation of the three stooges putting up a tent. When the people at the store demonstrated it, it looked so simple. Quick and easy - five minutes and you’re done - absolutely no problem for one person to do. Wrong! Thirty minutes, and the sweat was pouring off me. Forty-five minutes, and I’m seriously considering packing it all up and taking it back to the store. A little over an hour, and the tent is up. . . incorrectly. An hour and a half, and the tent is up correctly. The directions apparently assume that the person reading them has a background understanding of how to pitch a tent. They were wrong. I will take the tent down later tonight and pack it away, and then I will put it up again. The second time HAS to be quicker. And then tomorrow when I put it up for the third time, it should be a piece of cake - hopefully. At least that’s what I’m counting on.

I tried out my nifty little hand-size stove, too. Just screw the little burner into the propane canister (or some kind of canister of gas — I guess it’s propane) - and VOILA! A working stove. Of course after I turned it off, I started to fold it back up and burned my hand. Note to self: Let the stove COOL OFF before putting it away.

I taught a demonstration lesson in a second grade classroom the other day. The topic I chose for this first lesson on comprehension strategies was “metacognition” - thinking about one’s own thinking and learning. When children become aware of the mental processes they’re going through as they read, they become better learners. Plus, children love learning new words. They enjoyed saying “metacognition” aloud and practicing how they would answer the “What did you learn in school today?” question they’d most likely hear when they got home that afternoon. I chose the book Edward the Emu as the literature for the lesson, and I used “think-alouds” as I read the book to the class to highlight what I was thinking about as I read the story. We talked about predicting, questioning, and making connections. In the story, Edward kept trying to be something he wasn’t. He learns that it is best to be himself. It is an obvious point that is made, but the story and the illustrations take it beyond the typical books that try to teach a lesson. I loved watching the children’s faces as I read the story aloud to them. They were so into the story!

I saw a quote in Readers Digest this morning that really spoke to me: With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. (John Leguizamo in InStyle)

We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice - - that is, until we stop saying “It got lost,” and say “I lost it.”
…….Sydney J. Harris

I came across the above quote today, and I immediately thought of all the blaming going on about everything, it seems. When something goes wrong, the first thing many people think is, “Who is to blame?” A phrase I’ve heard used by educators is “boss your brain”. In other words, instead of being a victim of distractions and circumstances, be the one in charge of yourself. Take personal responsibility for your actions and words.

I found this quote by Helen Keller: “Although the world is very full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Another favorite quote by Helen Keller is: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.”