The Median Sib

I just passed the 600 post point!  Wow!  Maybe I should put them altogether into a book and become a millionaire! 

The doctor said, “Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.”

Bill laughed, “That’s right, how did you know? “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Bill thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Bill and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Bill was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Bill thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”Bill laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New shirt - $76

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Hat tip to my friend, Debbie.

Another email - who knows if this is truly from The Washington Post.  However, these word plays continue to be funny — so here they are - with a hat tip to my friend, Peggy:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

When I was in the first grade in Griffin, Georgia, my class put on the play “Sleeping Beauty.”  No Sleeping Beauty or mother of the princess role for me!  I had the role of the wicked witch who sentenced the kingdom to 100 years of sleep for the dastardly offense of not inviting me to Beauty’s birth celebration.  It has been FIFTY years since that award-winning performance, but I still remember clearly my most defining line:  “So, you didn’t invite me to the party, EH?”   The “EH?” was said with a high evil screech.  I was quite proud of that screech.