The Median Sib

I had my yearly physical at the doctor’s the morning.  Yuck!  Really, there is only one thing I hate more - and that’s going to the dentist.  After putting off getting a colonoscopy for years, the doctor said I REALLY should schedule one - since I’m well past the ripe old age of 50.  Quadruple YUCK!  I guess I will call and make an appointment.  Of course the doctor’s appointment this morning started off with getting myself weighed.  How depressing!  I’ve been religiously going to Curves and exercising every day and eating less for two weeks now — and I still was horrified at my weight.  Guess it’s time to face reality.  Ignorance may be bliss, but it is also fattening.

I just passed the 600 post point!  Wow!  Maybe I should put them altogether into a book and become a millionaire! 

The doctor said, “Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.”

Bill laughed, “That’s right, how did you know? “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Bill thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Bill and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Bill was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Bill thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”Bill laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New shirt - $76

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Hat tip to my friend, Debbie.

Another email - who knows if this is truly from The Washington Post.  However, these word plays continue to be funny — so here they are - with a hat tip to my friend, Peggy:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

When I was in the first grade in Griffin, Georgia, my class put on the play “Sleeping Beauty.”  No Sleeping Beauty or mother of the princess role for me!  I had the role of the wicked witch who sentenced the kingdom to 100 years of sleep for the dastardly offense of not inviting me to Beauty’s birth celebration.  It has been FIFTY years since that award-winning performance, but I still remember clearly my most defining line:  “So, you didn’t invite me to the party, EH?”   The “EH?” was said with a high evil screech.  I was quite proud of that screech.

The people who put a contract on my house called awhile ago.  They got a contract for the sale of their house, and the people offered them $15,000 MORE than their asking price.  And the buyers already pre-qualify for the loan.  So things are looking very promising.  I’ll keep St. Joseph buried until we close on the sale of my house, though.  But, if things go as planned, the sale could be closed within a month.  Of course “I” didn’t get $15,000 more than my asking price.  I felt really good about the deal I made until I heard THAT.

I don’t “really” believe that St. Joseph has anything to do with it…BUT this is the FOURTH time I’ve sold a property within a few days of burying my St. Joseph statue. . . . and then . . . I was born in St. Joseph hospital in Atlanta. My son is named Joseph. Maybe . . .

Read more: When Luck is so Good You’re Afraid to be too Happy,  Townhouse sold? St. Joseph is working,  St. Joseph Has Been Buried, and For Sale By Owner - The Sign is UP

My sister, Janice, wrote an article recently for Father’s Day about her husband, Gil.  In it she describes seven qualities that make Gil a good father.  Although the article is about Gil and their specific relationship, it is applicable to all fathers.  Here is an abbreviated version. Gil (or any good father):

(1)  is a Godly man of character and integrity. He leads a life of transparency that continues to be a steadfast example for our children. . . . He doesn’t “provoke them to wrath” and he leads them “in the paths of righteousness” through his insightful advice and concern for their spiritual well-being.

(2) loves . . . his wife, unconditionally. One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love and respect his wife, their mother, and to model husbandly dedication and responsibility.  [He gives his wife, their mother] the respect of enjoying talking with [her].

(3) gives [his children] unconditional love, too. He enjoys being with them and has made them a priority throughout their whole lives. [The] kids know that God “delights” in them because their earthly father delights in them.  When our children faced difficulty or unfairness, he gave sympathy freely, but he taught them not to wallow in self-pity, instead to govern their emotions and move on to whatever open door God had for them next. Most importantly, he taught them that God was in control and that He loved them and wanted the best for them, too. 

(4) is totally reliable and absolutely trustworthy. When he says he will do something, he does it. His promises are true. . . . My children are incredibly blessed by having a dad who is a “rock” for them.

(5) corrects them firmly, with consistency. The Bible constantly refers to God as “Father.” [Gil] made it easy for our children to believe in God, their Heavenly Father, because their earthly father was consistent and approachable, firm and reasonable. Like the Heavenly Father, their earthly father instructs them with an “easy yoke” and “light burden.”

(6)  has abundant wisdom, discernment and good judgment. The Scriptures warn parents against “provoking their children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4). Fathers who make foolish statements, decisions and actions are not good examples for their children.  

(7) [is] intentional in teaching our children about God. The Biblical Book of Deuteronomy stresses the importance of teaching “when you sit at home,” “when you walk along the road,” as well as “when you lie down and when you get up.” . . . [Gil] was exceptional at finding opportunities to teach our children from real-life experiences; he was constantly communicating with them about his own struggles and his own experiences in walking with Christ. He invested himself wholeheartedly in their spiritual development. 

They say that the most important decision anyone makes, next to choosing Christ, is their choice of a mate. . . .[and] the qualities that make him such a good father are the same ones that make me love him and make him such a great husband, too.

I just got home from a quick trip to take dinner to some friends from church.  On the way home, we stopped by an antique store.  We parked the car, and three dogs from the yard next door came running over.  One went directly to my car, hiked up his leg and peed on my tire.  Now what did I ever do to him?  My beautiful convertible!  No respect at all!

I joined CURVES on Monday, and I’ve exercised each day since.  I know that’s only four days, counting today.  However, it STILL is significant for me.  It’s amazing how much better I feel after only a few days of exercising regularly and eating lightly.  PawPaw and I are going to Alaska the end of August/first of September, and that’s a very strenuous vacation.  We’ll be staying in the heart of Denali and doing a lot of hiking and biking.  I want to be ready for it so I can enjoy all the activity without getting overly tired.  So HOORAY - four days of success so far.

Yesterday was Wednesday which meant I picked up the grandkids from daycare and we made dinner together.  Sweet Stuff and Sunshine helped me make brownies for dessert, and while they were baking, we made kebabs for dinner.  It was fun.  When their mommy and daddy got here, we grilled the kebabs and had dinner.  As we were finishing up, we saw their Uncle Joey’s truck at the driveway.  I said, “There’s Joey!”  Sweet Stuff jumped up and exclaimed, “I LOVE that boy!”  And Sunshine chimed in, “He’s a funny boy!” 

If you read this blog regularly you know that Sweet Stuff broke her nose rather badly a few weeks ago.  It is healing nicely now although she is very careful about it since it is still a little tender.  Last night she and PawPaw were having a wonderful time playing.  He had the music cranked up loud, and they were all on the patio dancing.  Sweet Stuff lost her balance and fell against a concrete bird bath — scraping her face.  She is sensitive enough about her nose to automatically protect it, but that meant that her chin got the worst of it — a very red/bloody looking scrape under her chin and lower cheek.  Poor thing!  She looks rather battered!   I told PawPaw that he obviously has never been an elementary school teacher because he was probably more upset than Sweet Stuff because it happened when he was playing with her.  I was trying to comfort Sweet Stuff and having to tell PawPaw to quit acting so upset at the same time.  They both eventually calmed down.

I was reading the news online and came across this.  It told about how Hillary was booed by an ”emotional audience of party liberals” because she didn’t endorse a definite  date for troop withdrawal from Iraq - and John Kerry was cheered because he did.  Here is a quote from Hillary:

“Sometimes this is a difficult conversation, in part because this administration has made our world more dangerous than it should be,” she said.

Yea, that’s right.  The people who make the world dangerous are not the Muslims who fly planes into buildings in order to kill as many Americans as possible or who plant roadside bombs in order to kill as many Iraquis and Coalition forces as possible, and who are beheading, bombing and shooting innocents every day.  It’s Bush who is doing something to stop them.  I continue to be amazed at how some people blame Bush for anything and everything.

There are people who are self-destructive.  They cut themselves, burn themselves, criticize themselves constantly.  When they make a mistake, they make remarks like “I’m so stupid.  I never do anything right.”  Often they blame their feelings on others.  “If I had just made the cheerleading team, I’d be okay.”  “If I had won the election for student body president, I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself.”  Even when something good happens, they turn it around so that it appears negative.  And the students who DO make the cheerleading team or student body president become their worst enemies.  Those enemies are deemed stupid and dangerous.  The self-destructive person’s fear and anger is all turned inward or against the person they feel wronged them.

I think that’s what the far left and MSM is about these days, for the most part.  To them, the United States can do no right.  Our enemies can do no wrong.  They cut the United States - not realizing that they’re endangering themselves.  George Bush beat them not in one but in two elections.  Therefore, he is the enemy - stupid and dangerous.  They make wild accusations. 

The average American sees the far left for what it is - self-destructive adolescents having a tantrum because they didn’t get their way - and if they didn’t get their way, then they’ll be damned if they’ll let GWB succeed.  They come up with accusations and conspiracy theories that make reasonable people shake their heads in disbelief. 

It’s sometimes humorous, but ultimately sad, that they’ve pulled many well-intentioned Americans into their ridiculous web of lies.  There are enough intelligent and thoughtful people, however, who see the truth and will see that it prevails in the end.

I grew up as one of seven children.  My childhood was in the fifties - before seatbelts.  When my family would travel, my father would drive, and he would take turns letting us children sit “under his wing.”  That means we’d sit close by his side, with his arm in front of us to protect us.  In those days before seatbelts, there was no greater feeling of love and security than traveling down the road - safe and protected under Daddy’s wing.

In Sunday’s TENNESSEAN newspaper, there was a story about Mary Winkler.  

A grand jury in McNairy County is expected to decide Monday whether to indict the wife of a prominent Church of Christ minister on homicide charges in the March 22 shooting death of her husband.

Mary Winkler, 32, was arrested in Orange Beach, Ala., almost 24 hours after her husband, Matthew Winkler, was found shot in the back at their Selmer home.  Police said she had taken the couple’s three young daughters and fled to the Gulf Coast area in her minivan after the shooting.

On Monday, “the prosecution will present their proof for indictment,” said Mary Winkler’s attorney Steven Farese Sr. of Ashland, Miss., in a phone interview Friday.

Then, Farese said, he expects that “on Wednesday Mary Winkler will make a court appearance.”

“We’ll have a defense,” Farese said, though he didn’t elaborate on what that would be. He added that his plans include entering a plea of not guilty.

Also, “we’re contemplating asking for bond.”

After returning to Tennessee, Mary Winkler opted not to have a preliminary hearing and waived her case to the McNairy County grand jury. She is still being held in the McNairy County Jail.

Police have said Mary Winkler confessed and that they believe she planned the slaying. The case, which has attracted national press, has stirred the town of Selmer, which has a population of about 4,500.

In February 2005, Matthew Winkler moved his family to Selmer to serve as minister to the Fourth Street Church of Christ.

Members of the Fourth Street church found Matthew Winkler’s body in a bedroom at the church’s parsonage the night of March 22 and phoned police.

An Amber Alert was later issued for Mary Winkler and the couple’s three girls, Patricia, 8, Mary Alice, 6, and Brianna, 1.

Matthew Winkler’s father, Dan Winkler, and mother, Diane, are taking care of the children. Dan Winkler is the minister at the Huntingdon, Tenn., Church of Christ.

When asked about Mary Winkler’s demeanor last week, Farese said, “she was very emotional,” adding that he talks to her twice a week. “She’s very anxious to see her children.

“I know that she has written numerous letters to her children, but we don’t know if the children have read the letters,” Farese said.

“She can (and does) have pictures (of her children),” Farese said. But to his knowledge, he said, “the Winkler family hasn’t sent her any (pictures of the girls).”

“We have no comments at this time,” Dan Winkler said Saturday by phone from his Huntingdon home.

Jerry Morris, an elder at the Huntingdon Church of Christ, said the children “seem to be thriving real well” in their grandparents’ care. Morris is the contact for a special fund that has been set up for the girls.

He said he has seen the children at church during Wednesday night activities, on Sundays and sometimes during the week.

So finally, after almost three months of no news, we may possibly learn SOMETHING new about this case that has become such a fascinating mystery.  Stay tuned . . .

See also: 

Tennessee Church of Christ Minister Murdered by Wife - No Wonder?

Mary Winkler - Motive? Tragedy!

My Cruel, Callous and Mean-Spirited Opinion about the Winkler Murder Case

Women’s Place in the Church - Is the Church of Christ right? (Winkler post follow-up)

Mary Winkler - the story people won’t let go

1.  I’m at my mother’s in Georgia right now.  I drove down on Thursday, and I’ll drive back home this afternoon.  It has been a good visit.  Right now my mother has gone to church.  I stayed here and will fix Sunday dinner for everyone for after church.  It sounds like a big deal, but it’s mostly just heating leftovers.

2.  Along with my sister, Debi, I went with Mother to the doctor in Atlanta on Friday where she got a good report as a follow-up on the surgery she had in November.

3.  My mother is amazing.  Thursday afternoon she was asked if she would pastor a small local church this coming year.  She said YES!  My mother is 83-years old, and she intends to serve the Lord -whenever she is asked and for as long as she is able to serve.

4.  I haven’t seen PawPaw since Monday.  He was out of town on business all week - he flew back into Nashville about a couple hours after I left to drive to my mother’s.  I’m looking forward to getting home this afternoon and seeing him again.

5.  Speaking of PawPaw, he worked the past two days with a bulldozer, clearing the building spot for our house.  He says it looks wonderful, and I can’t wait to see it later today.

6.  My sister, Beth (http://bluestarchronicles.com/2006/06/09/self-pity-open-trackback-weekend/) came over last night.  She fell the other day and literally can not walk.  She was truly pitiful!  And her leg and foot look horrible with the swelling and bruising.

7.  Debi and I went to a pick-your-own-strawberries farm yesterday morning - full of anticipation.  However, there were virtually no strawberries to pick.  We came home empty-handed.  I’d been looking forward to that since last summer when I went there and picked some of the most delicious strawberries I’d ever eaten.

For me, happy hour is a nap.

Unfortunately, I’ve reached the age where that is true.  Actually, I guess it’s not “unfortunately.”  It’s rather nice.